I can't stop tinking about him

[TheQueenOfDiamonds]

I don't have a brilliant relationship with my daughters father. I don't even know if I ever did. I know I loved him.. I really trusted him, and I've never stopped missing him, despite being in a (mostly) happy relationship and having another dc. Everyone told me I would get over him but I haven't.. I don't even think I ever will.

We don't speak much. Our daughter lives with him for various reasons (Obviously she stays with me too). I do feel this is the best for her at the moment.. That's not an issue, he takes brilliant care of her.

We mostly don't get on because of my behaviour due to some mental health problems.. He has been in the wrong too, other people who've heard him speak to me have brought it up.. I'd go as far as to say some of the shit things he's done are emotionally abusive.

I feel such a cow for even thinking this because my partner is lovely. He left his family and friends to be with me, he doesn't even like it here, and I repay him by obsessing over another man.

I don't sleep at night.. I have a form of ocd.. When I'm not awake satisfying my compulsions to check on my children (I have constant intrusive thoughts of them dying) I'm failing to sleep because I'm thinking about him. Its been 3 years. I still cry about him quite a lot. If certain songs come on that remind me of him I cry.. Thinking about them now is making me well up.

I don't think its normal, but I don't know what to do. I'm never bothered about people.. I've never been obsessive about anyone else. My first relationship lasted for 3 years and I walked out of it without a second thought.. I wasn't even bothered when he(first boyfriend) and my former friends started messaging everyone I know making sick jokes about my ectopic pregnancy... Yet contrastingly to how much I feel for DDs father, I will also fly into a complete rage with him over an observation he's made.. (I can't handle critism.. But with everyone else I just stop speaking to them.. I don't act like that with everyone).

I never find it hard to walk away from someone.. I can count on one hand the number of people I care about seeing ever again. I just don't get attached to people. So why can't I just get a grip and get over him? Even his Dad has commented that "amazingly you still have strong feelings for J". My mum has said things too. She said she thinks if he told me he wanted me I'd leave in a heartbeat. I don't think I'm that cruel though.

I don't know why I'm writing this.. Probably because I can't tell him, or anyone else really. Has anyone else felt similarly?

Stupid phone.. Should be "can't stop thinking" in the title, obviously.

Has it ever occurred to you that you are considerably more than your thoughts and that your thoughts only come in to being because of you?

I'm not following, izzy? Sorry, I'm tired, I don't understand.

Give it some consideration after you've had some zzzzzs, honey.

Go to sleep on the thought you are not your thoughts and see where your dreams take you...

I don't sleep, I can't. I usually sleep for an hour or two between 6 - 8am. Its mostly the intrusive thoughts about my children that keep me up. I think they're dead a lot and have to check on them. If I don't check on them I'd still be awake because then I'd be sure they were dead and it would be all my fault for not checking.

It sounds as if you're on a self-fulfilling prophecy loop that is unlikely to result in your fears being realised because they are not grounded in fact or in independently verified statistics.

You have a choice. You can continue to live your life governed by fear, or you can choose to can become all that you can be.

I don't understand you.
I'm not scared of anything?

Have you seen your GP about the OCD? It sounds as if you could do with some counselling to help with the intrusive thoughts (I come from a family with a history of OCD).... Your feelings towards this man may well be linked to the OCD.

Do you ever see your dd's dad in RL? When you 'obsess' about him would you say you feel good and positive or does it make you feel shit?

Trazzle - when it first started yes, she told some psychiatrists (crisis team is it? They came out to my house anyway) that I'd said I was suicidal though (I didn't, she asked, I said no) so I'm scared to go back.

I don't know if its linked. The sorts of things I think about are the things that were perfect, things I want to say to him, I go over potential conversations in my head (that I never have because it needs to be perfect for me to say), a lot to do with things being perfect.

If you're thinking along the lines of MH, the psychiatrists I've seen thought my behaviour was caused by a personality disorder, most likely OCPD. Apparently I have narcissistic tendancies too, but I've never thought so, I'm not obsessed with myself, I like how I look, and I probably have a bit of an ego but I'm not that bad.

I stopped going though because I wasn't finding it helpful. I can't remember why, I just didn't like them.

I am so angry with myself atm because I'd give anything for a hug from him.

Hyper - Yes, when he fetches DD.
I usually feel crap because I miss him so much and I just want to talk to him. Sometimes its ok though. Sometimes I don't feel anything, I just think endlessly about perfect little scenarios.

Sweetheart to me it sounds like you have serious mental health issues and this obsession is just a symptom. I speak as someone who has mentat health issues and being obsessed with people/things. I think if you are able to get treatment CBT for example things will calm down for you I really do

Gingerchick - What sort of things do they do at CBT? I've been offered it before, but I moved away before I was given anything.

Sounds like there is something missing/lacking in your current relationship with dp??? Maybe he doesn't quite measure up to ex (even though he is lovely!)
Instead of obsessing about ex, why not do something like read a book/do a home study course, just to occupy your brain with something positive as this can't be healthy for you. Develop a mantra like "the kids are safe" every time you feel the urge to check on them....the kids will be just fine honey.

Take ex off the pedestal and realise he wasn't perfect and start to build on what you do have now, not what you lost. Good luck

I try telling myself they're safe. But the images are too hard to ignore. The best I manage is with my DS, he's in our room so sometimes I manage to hold out until he sighs in his sleep, obviously I know he's ok then. I can't no check on DD though. My latest one in the window, or her hanging herself somehow (although no blinds etc on which to do this on). They're so disturbing. I can't believe my mind can think them up.

And the dreams when I do manage to sleep.. Are wrong on so many levels and so horrific.

I read a lot, but it doesn't stop them, and I'm fairly active in the day. I walk around 5 miles a day at the very least. I try to avoid disturbing images from TV etc. I play on the sims 3 in the evening in an attempt to force something nice into my mind.

I am honestly happy with OH. He couldn't really do more for me. He is understanding, caring, our sex life is more than satisfying. He puts up with an unholy amount of shit from me at times. I'd have walked out if I were him. But I can't get over DDs Dad. I have this weird thing where I wish I could split myself in two and have one life where I could be perfect for DDs Dad and one life where I can be with OH.

I know DDs Dad isn't perfect.. I think that's part of the problem though.. He was perfect to me, at one time, so I know he can be.. And I have no control over that.. He walked away from me too, which no ones ever done before.

DryJuice it really isn't that simple with OCD, unfortunately. It's a compulsion. Simply saying "they're safe" is not going to be enough for the OP.

OP, to me it really sounds like this all boils down to your OCD. If you want to get it sorted, you need to see your GP and get referred for counselling/CBT. Don't be scared to go back, just make sure you see someone else. I vefry much doubt that you will be able to beat this on your own, and it will just continue to spiral otherwise. If you aren't yet at the stage where you do want to beat it, fine, but it won't just go away.