Long term relationships - keeping the "sexy" in your sex life. HOW ???

[OhDearNigel]

DH and I have been together for 7 years. I always really enjoyed sex and when I was younger was quite a player. Over the last 5 or so years it has dwindled to the stage where I didn't want to do it at all and would grudgingly give in every month or so simply to shut him up.

I am not proud of what I am about to admit but in the last month got involved in texting a work colleague based at another site. We never met up, never did anything and have knocked the texts on the head when we realised it was getting out of hand but it was very exciting while it lasted and has "reignited the fire" so to speak, awoken the old me. I feel as if I have been sedated for about 3 years to be honest. DH and I have been getting very busy in the last couple of weeks because I have remembered how much I used to love it.

How can I keep this impetus going ? I don't want to go back to the woman who couldn't stand being touched in case it led further, the woman who feigned sleep and ignored her DH hoping he would eventually lose interest. I can't live the rest of my life like the last 2 years. I would like to try some more adventurous material but DH feels silly doing it. He won't do restraint etc. because he feels as if he will hurt me.

What do you all do to try and keep out of the rut ?

ugh

OP wants to be surprised, she doesn't want to give him a heart attack on the job !

Sorry I know that's not helpful.

I'm watching with interest. My DH has lost his mojo, but that's to do with my weight.
If I went for a "walk" with DH , we'd have to take the dog.

He might like it!

Omg this is me!!!! Been married 17.5 yrs and nearly went to the other side with a text relationship

Hit it in the head 7 days ago today

Instead ive been texting DH and on saturday we went on a date

I did try recreating the text excitement with DH. Unfortunately as I know him so well I could predict exactly how he would react to everything and could probably have written his responses for him. As I said to my friend it wasn't quite the same...

Me and DH are down to once a week (if lucky) since the arrival of DS 17 months ago. Sometimes more, sometimes less BUT we actually enjoy it more if we have to wait..... and then we send each other naught texts, fumbles and gropes any chance we can, then once ds is in bed, a nice long bath where we make sure we are both thoroughly clean and hope in to bed (or over it) and take it from there...... Maybe tell DH there is a ban for 7 days?

"...I didn't want to do it at all and would grudgingly give in every month or so simply to shut him up."

I think this is likely the cause/root of this. Pressure is the biggest turn off and whether he meant it or not, it seems you felt pressured by him at one point to have sex, which turns it into a chore. You're remembering the exciting sex you had at the beginning of the relationship, thrill of the unknown, does he want me, is it going to happen etc. And I guess you're associating this in your brain with "new relationship" and the begrudged, chore-like sex as "LTR sex" as though it can't be changed.

If there is a sense of entitlement there on his part that you "should" have sex as part of the relationship then you might not get very far, but if you've just slipped into it somehow without thinking then it might be possible to recreate it. I would think you'd have to go right back to basics, ban sex totally, and then build it up from kissing until you can't stand it any more, to touching with hands only above the waist, to well, whatever order you want to do each "stage" in. This would progress over a course of weeks ideally so that it builds up slowly, and at the same time you make an effort to reconnect by "dating" or doing shared activities.

Another route which is possibly quicker in terms of long term gain but takes longer for a single session is to play a game where you have a set boundary - say, no touching below the waist or no touching where underwear covers, and basically attempt to tease each other into breaking the boundary, while attempting not to break it yourself. Once the boundary's broken the game is over and can go wherever you feel like also to spice it up add a forfeit for the loser. You ideally need a few hours free to do this in, though, so it's not really an everyday thing. Might work as a one off, though.

I know nigel deff not the same but i guess im doing it through guilt

DH was wondering what I was doing last night standing in the back garden peering at the neighbours' windows. When I said I was working out where we could put the picnic blanket for a little bit of fun after dark - given that it was so hot last night - you should have seen his face! Bless him.

'Twas lovely. And lying on the blanket during afterwards looking at the stars was fab.

Worth a try while the weather is good?

likewise !

Bertie, it definitely wasn't a sense of entitlement, he still really fancies me (he must be blind) and can't keep his hands off me hahaha. You are completely right and the constant pressure made him less and less appealing. Ironically the more he wants it the less i do and the less he does the more I do. Clearly I am very masochistic !

got any mozzie bites, BS ?

also in the terror that my textee ever got to see my lumpy bits I stopped eating pretty much and have lost nearly a stone in 3 weeks (was a 22 but getting into some of my 18 stuff now) which has also had a big impact on my confidence. I've gained nearly 4 stone since we got married which is probably also very much at play in the nose-diving libido

Thats good news nigel (re weight) good for you but please carry on with the weight loss for you

Oh yes, I will. It just gave me the impetus to start :)