Is there any hope or am I being unrealistic

[3mum]

I have posted a couple of times before about my marital problems. I am alone tonight with a bottle of wine brooding over what has happened.

I have been with my H for 30 years, married 20 with teenage children. I found out a year ago by mistakenly reading a text on his phone that he was having an affair. It turns out the affair is with a married woman eight years younger than him with a young child. It had been going on for three years when I found out. Since then he has told me three times that he had broken up with her and each time he has lied. The most recent time I chucked him out and am planning to divorce him. He has also confessed to a couple of other shorter affairs, but he seems to be obsessed with this one woman. He has confessed that they have broken up lots of times but it is always him who asks
her to start up again. He is buying a house which he denies, but I am sure is for them if she finally leaves her husband.

He has also told me that I am his best friend and I don't deserve this treatment, but he does not love me in a romantic way any more.

Seems like a clearcut case for divorce, but, he has always been my best friend and I am his. We have great fun when we are together (and great sex) and we love time with our children. Even now we text or email all the time and speak at least once a day.

I am deeply confused about the messages he is sending. On the one hand he seems to be running away from me as fast as he can. On the other he pulls me back to him all the time with texts and conversations and (until the last blow up) lovely holidays for just the two of us and he tells me that the other woman is a mess and he does not know what he sees in her. He wants me to wait for six months and see if his affair ends (by which he means see if she has left her husband).

Is he just a manipulative bastard or should I hang on and hope this all blows over?

You should stop the texting and spending time with him, create more distance. He's got his cake and he's eating it. And he's being nasty about her to you, he's probably saying the same things reversed to her.

Cut him off, let him see what he's lost, make him work to sort things out if he wants to. We don't value what we can pluck anytime we feel like it.

You might find a bit of distance and detachment finds you happier without him.

He is being very manipulative indeed; he has cheated on you for at least 3 years and with more than one woman to boot.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What has kept you within this?. Please do not talk about him being a good dad (he is patently not a good dad) and such comments are often written by women who have nothing positive to say about their man.

He says too that you do not deserve this treatment but he carries on regardless and disregards you perhaps also because he thinks you will never have enough guts or courage to actually leave him.

He is patently not your best friend at all if he acts like this either, he is currently having his cake and eating it by having the two of you currently on the go. He has also previously confessed to other affairs, this man has not got it within him to remain faithful within marriage. As for him wanting you to wait for another six months to see if his affair ends, the man truly has a brass neck. What was your response to that request?.

Show him that there are consequences from you for his actions and do not let yourself be walked over any more in such a fashion. He is truly treating you with contempt. Stop all contact with him and only communicate with him through solicitors.

On a wider level what do you want to teach your children about relationships, this current model is certainly not fit for purpose is it?.

I am totally amazed by what you are prepared to forgive. Have some self respect and get rid of him permanently.

I know that sounds harsh but seriously he isn't worth it.

for me the biggest deak-breaker is that he is asking you to hold on for another 6 months so that IF he doesn't get the OW he can come back to you...!! how dare he!!

you have to ask yourself a) if you can live like this, with all the turmoil and uncertainty that you're feeling now for the next six months and b) how you will feel in 6 months when he either leaves you for good or he is left for good by the OW because even then surely you will fee like second best as it will not be his decision to break it off.

I have no idea of what it's like to be in a relationship and even marriage for 20 odd years, but i'm imagining that it's the familiarity that you are scared of losing the most, which of course is totally understandable.

Jesus. You need to find your backbone lady! You are lying on the ground and writing 'doormat' on your arse.
I have recently split with my h, partly due to loss of trust after infidelity. We have had sex since, we actually get on great as friends and have always fancied each other, doesn't mean we should be together. How can you live with the destructive effect of destroyed trust? It was making me crazy. I am so much calmer now I have decided what he does is not my problem. No snooping on Facebook, catching a look at his phone, wondering where he is and with whom. Phew!
We gave it a go after I found out, but only because he ended the affair. Still didn't work but we tried. You can't possibly try if he is still engaged in infidelity with no intention of stopping! What are you thinking???

Thank you all for your responses. It is really difficult to convey a sense of our relationship to people who, reasonably enough, ask why on earth I put up with this.

The unanimous response from our friends has been "on my God I don't believe ie, you two are the people who had the strongest relationship I know" and in an odd way we do still. Maybe its a form of co-dependency after so long. I don't know.

He is quite a difficult person in some ways, a hyper, Type A personality, but he can also be incredibly sweet and funny and charming. In any social situation he is always the one people flock to and I am more the wallflower type. I have always suspected that I am just not pretty enough for him and that the younger other woman fits his image more IYSWIM. ALso, and I suspect not coincidentally, the affair started at the time I was made redundant. My job doesn't really exist any more, a casualty of the credit crunch, so I have not worked since. I suspect that me being unemployed devalued me in his eyes.

realistically you are not going to leave him are you

He isn't your best friend. I'm sorry to be so blunt but he is lying, cheating and manipulating you.
He is playing with your emotions so much I don't expect you can think clearly or work out what you want.
I think that if you can take some decisions of your own, draw your own boundries and communicate these clearly to him you will begin to take control and therefore feel better.
30 years is such a long time, this must all be devastating but you deserve so much better.

Sweetie, you have no self-esteem. You deserve better than this.

Not pretty enough for him, wtaf?

He married you.

If he married you because he thought you would be grateful because you're so unworthy of his mighty cock, does that make him a nice person or your friend?

Of course you get on well but don't think it's enough, if there's no trust.

OK that seems fairly unanimous then. As I said in my original post, I am in the process of divorcing him (and yes, the just wait six months thing was the final straw). During the days I can be strong and hold it together but at night and afar a glass or three of wine, I do get the heebie jeebies.

We all get the heebie jeebies. Divorce is an enormous thing to get your head round. Stay off the vino is my advice! You need a clear head.

Ah, it's not easy, love. But don't accept less than you deserve.

You deserve someone who respects you and makes you feel loved & special all of the time, not someone who makes you feel rubbishy & 2nd best half the time. The pain wouldn't stop by taking him back, it would just be more insidious.

Oh everyone gets the heebie jeebies after a glass or three of wine
A little introspection can be a good thing but how about shifting your thoughts from him to you and what you want?
You say you were made redundant, what would you like to do? What are your ambitions? What do you want?
Focus on your own happiness.

It is really hard, but stick with it. It will be so worth it.

lizbee's right. You probably spend most of your waking hours worrying about the relationship, him and how to fix it. Time to think about other things, about you, about who you are without him and who you can be.

He is an arse. But your real problem is that you have lost confidence in yourself, lost hope for a better future.

Have you tried counselling to help you with coping strategies for both your jobseeking and the breakdown of your marriage? Do you have hobbies other outlets?

I have an ex who thinks its his god-given right to have me as his friend and confidente, despite walking out on me. Advise him that he's made the mistake of assuming you're someone who gives a fuck and tell him his girlfriend might be more interested.