Was this aggressive or am I over-sensitive?

[JaretsGal]

I've been seeing someone for about 2 months. Lovely guy - comes across as the type that wouldn't hurt a fly. Never been in a fight, treats waitresses lovely, no road rage, no red flags.

Apart from -

After a drink he becomes a bit heavy handed. For example, pulling my face towards him for a kiss but quite 'strongly' (roughly is the wrong word I think as he never hurts me).

Anyway, this weekend we went out, had quite a bit to drink and then went back to his place. I went to reach for something and accidently caught the side of his face. Immediately apologised and asked if he was ok. He laughed it off but then grabbed my face with both hands. Again, he didn't hurt me but it wasn't gentle either. He let go of me straight away and didn't seem to be aggressive at all, he was still laughing but it was the knee-jerk reaction in the way he did it. It frightened me a bit. It seemed almost as if his gut instinct was to grab me for hurting him but as I said, no aggressive talk or anything and he didn't hurt me.

My ex was violent so I'm constantly looking out for signs, maybe I'm being hyper-sensitive?

(name change for this but am a regular)

Just weird behaviour. Best out of this one and move on.

I think the fact that he frightened you is enough to suggest proceed with caution?

If at all...

Could it be that he is just a bit horny after a drink or two and likes a bit of rough?
Could be sexual rather than just pure aggression

"pulling my face"
"grabbed my face with both hands"
" it wasn't gentle either"
" It frightened me a bit."

This doesn't sound as though you're being hyper-sensitive.

It's his actions that are important here. Not saying anything aggressive is irrelevant. So is the fact that on this occasion it didn't hurt.

There is a red flag here re his rough behaviour towards you after drinking alcohol.

As another respondent stated best out of this one and move on.

He "laughed it off" then grabbed your face?

I think you're right to be intimidated by it - it wasn't a reaction to you accidentally hurting him. The laughing it off was the gut response, the action that followed was premeditated.

And even if it had been a reaction, it wouldn't be acceptable.

God, OP, run for the hills!

How do you know he's not violent? How do you know he's never been in a fight? How do you know he doesn't suffer from road rage (or rather others don't suffer from his road rage)?

You have known him two months. That isn't nearly long enough to be able to judge someone.

Look at what you know, exactly what coppertop says. Don't look at what he tells you. So he hasn't had a fight in two months. He hasn't chased after another driver whilst you've been in the car. That means nothing.

I'm sorry, I couldn't go out with him - he sounds like he's going to get violent and aggressive.

Trust your instincts

It frightened me a bit. It seemed almost as if his gut instinct was to grab me for hurting him

I think you're right. I wonder how he'd feel if you grabbed him.

You aren't hyper-sensitive Jarets: it's more that you know better than most what to look for - even if you're not conscious of it.

Another here who says trust your instincts. If it doesn't feel right then it's not right & you should never feel frightened.

Drink does not make a normal person aggressive, it's a myth and another tool they use to pass things off. His actions to you were a taste of what's to come.

Get shot of him honey.

Run like the wind.

This is one for the bin, honey. As in yesterday.

He's trying it on and he'll slowly up the show of strength until you will be seriously scared.

Always always trust your insticts, you will be on your guard now and you shouldnt be feeling like that after only 2 months if ever.

The moment somebody scares you is the moment to run.

Sonunds as if he's testing the waters to me tbh.

OP I went out with a guy who was kind of the same - seemed lovely. However he didn't know his own strength plus one day he snapped quite aggressively at me. When it ended I realised how uncomfortable quite a lot of things he did had made me. Trust your gut feeling!

I don't think I could be doing with that.

Good, honourable men understand that they are likely to be the physically stronger on a relationship (not always, but most of the time) and therefore their partner needs to be able to trust them. They don't try to scare women. That scenario just sounds odd, frankly.

I've known a few men (and the odd woman) who are Jekyll & Hyde with drink and I would avoid. If they drink often, there comes a point where you never know whether the real emotions and behaviours are the ones you see drunk or the nice, caring side you see sober.

At two months I'd be backing off. That said, you could tell him (when he's sober, in a safe environment) that the behaviour wasn't on and we how he reacts, but IMo it's a red flag.