my partner has left me to be with his step kids after 5 years

[jemamusela]

im really confused. I have been together with my partner for 5 years great relationship. He was trying to complete his divorce when we met but he couldnt complete as ex got Cancer and was told that she would die in 3 months. I stayed with him because i was in love with him. The ex did not die for another 3 years. She had 3 kids ages 22, 25,27 who were not my partners biological kids but he had brought them up.
In that time, my partner did not want to introduce me to any of his family or friends saying he did not want to upset the cancer striken ex so i was unknown to everybody on his side. He was known to everyone my friends, family and parents on my side.
After the ex died 2 years ago, i thought we would be able to move on with our lives but then ......the kids came in... My partner did not knwo how to move on from them. He lived with the 22yr old. I met the kids and they seemed fine and i hoped they would want to move on with their lives and allow us to move on too
given their ages.
Its been difficult for me as i have been the one pushing my partner all the time to try and move on and help the you one to move on. All the kids work and earn well.
This year in May, i went abroad to have fibroids removed as we have been talking babies and have gone to see the doctors given that i am 389 and have been trying for a baby for 2 yrs. We both wanted babies since the beggining
I came back to find the 25yr had tried to commit suicide and it really affected my partner. I tried to talk solutions, ways forward..... he just said he could not have a baby when the already excisting ones are suffering! he also refused to continue with the relationship saying that he doesnt want to keep me waiting anymore.
can anyone make sense of this story?? please help! im distraught! wasted 5 yrs, loosing a man i love and who i believed loved me.....i need a baby asap as clock ticking!...i dont know what to do
help!!!
NB- he will not go fo rcouselling with me so iam going on my own, just started.

Oh I am so sorry.
I know he was divorcing her but he has had a lot of trauma over the last 5 years.
They may not be 'his' but if he has brought them up they are.
If his kids are struggling he is right to concentrate on them if he feels he can't split his attention.
I am sorry to say but maybe he is right. His kids need him and maybe having another child right now is not the right time.
I am sorry you feel you have wasted 5 years.

It seems to me that you are going to have to accept that this relationship is over and there's no going back or any way forward that will enable you to have any kind of future with this particular man.

On the subject of that ticking clock, please don't despair or rush to find a sperm donor new relationship. I have friends who've produced pfb without ivf at 45+ and there are a lot worse fates than not having dc.

thank you guys! im trying to understand but its hard! i dont have that parental instinct may be i just dont understand how it feels. I have always believed that i could find a solution to any problem untill now.... but thanks for your thoughts

I don't want to be the one to break it to you, but it seems this comes down to him simply not being that into you otherwise he would have wanted you by his side supporting him while he supports his sdc.

I don't understand why you think he should "move on" from his children, especially when their mother just died?
All the keeping you hidden stuff is bad, but it always has been like that, and you have let him act that way.
I'm sorry you are upset, it sounds desperate alright, but it all sounds very odd to be trying for a baby with someone who wouldn't introduce you to his children or family? Doesn't sound like he was ever committed to your relationship.

He brought those children up, so even though they are adults he is their dad - and any decent parent is going to prioritise his children over everyone else. I think he has finally done the right thing by you to make clear that his loyalty lies with his existing family, he will never "move on" from them.

I think maybe you were too understanding for too long - you've been his dirty little secret.

I think you're more a source of shame now than a beloved to him.

Consider alternatives. You could freeze eggs, get a sperm donor, consider fostering or adoption. How important is the 'whole package' of partner and children? You may have to think about one without the other, although time hasn't run out for both.

I understand why he wanted it hidden.
He didn't want to hurt his children or his ex. She didn't have long to live and he prob knew it would hurt her. he kids were losing their mum and this would cause more hurt.
But at some point in the three years it should have come out.
I think I would agree for a short period but after a while I would tell I respect his choice, but its not for me.
He obviously doesn't feel he can be there for you and his children.
The thing is, no matter what age your kids are. They are still your kids.