Which is worse - accepting money for birthdays, christmas from estranged parents, or sending them a letter asking them to stop?

[BumptiousandBustly]

I really don't know what to do. I am estranged from my parents and have no plans to change this.

They (well my mother) send a cheque for my birthday and my sons birthdays and for Christmas.

I am really not comfortable taking money from someone I don't want a relationship with.

I don't want to simply not cash the cheques as that will lead to contact from them - which really stresses me out - and I will be on edge for ages, waiting for it to happen.

Also, I am not prepared to tell my children presents are from them, but obviously also not prepared to pretend that presents bought with their money is from me, so I put it in a savings account for the children - however any cheques for the children are always accompanied by a note specifying that they want to know what the children were bought. (so far I have simply sent a thank you card signed by me, saying thankyou for books/toys etc) - however this makes me feel like I am taking their money under false pretenses.

i should say that DSs are 2 and 4 - so too young to understand it all yet.

So far, so simple right? Just not take the money - but how do I go about that? I would have to send some kind of message saying - please don't send me any more money - which is REALLY final.

I thought something like: "Since we don't have a relationship at the moment, I am not comfortable accepting gifts from you. You are welcome to continue sending money for the boys if you wish, but please be aware that if you do so, I will put it into savings accounts for them, for when they are 18. Its is obviously up to you if you wish to continue sending money under these circumstances."

The problem is that feels like a really horrible messages to send. So I am stuck - which is worse - accepting money from people you don't have a relationship with, or sending a message saying - stop giving me presents - which thereby makes it totally clear you never intend to have a relationship with them again? - Which feels like a very purposefully painful thing to send?

Some very interesting points made, lots to think about. I will try and answer some of the points made and questions asked

I don't think they are trying to resume a relationship - I suspect they are doing it because this way they can say "at least we carried on sending money!" - i.e. to justify themselves, and feel good about themselves, and also to be martyrs to themselves.

• I suppose I feel that if I then refuse the money, they can blame me - i.e. look what she did - we tried but she refused. On the other hand, they can blame me for taking it too - i.e. she wouldn't talk to us but still took our money. I also worry about what they might say to my children in future if they get in touch with them but frankly there will be bigger issues than any money not given at that point.

They live far away, so no danger of them turning up on the doorstep.

I worry that if I simply don't cash the cheques at some point I will get an email saying " does this mean you think we are the worse people in the world, or haven't you received it?" - and waiting for that message will stress me out.

I do agree with those people who say its not appropriate to take money from someone I don't want a relationship with, and its sending mixed messages.

Having read all your messages and having written all of this has really helped clarify it in my mind, I realize that I project on to my mother the pain I would feel if one of my children felt like that about me but while I can't be sure how she feels, non of her actions have indicated that she feels that pain at all and in the end I can only be responsible for how I behave, and doing what I think is right.

To those people who say that maybe I am not ready for it to be this final, I think you have a point - someone on mumsnet wrote something really wise once about how if you are estranged from toxic parents, some part of you will always think, maybe I can get them to love me after all! I realize that part of me wants her to be totally devastated if I send that message, as that would mean she does love me, but then I don't want to imagine a loving mother being totally devastated by my actions - and then my brain fries!

I think the other issue is that I can hear their voices in my head, and the things they will say about me if I do send that message, or simply stop cashing the cheques, but again I have to remember that I have no power over what they say - and at least I don't have to actually hear it any more.

Its coming up to my birthday which is why its all in my mind at the moment. This time last year we were newly estranged and when she send me the money for my birthday I did take it as some kind of attempt at reconciliation and sent a pleasant thankyou email. She never even responded to it (and i know she got it due to something she sent through months later when she wanted something)

I think that at some point I will have to send that message - as I simply don't want to take money from them. What do you think about the DCs? Simply say no about them too, or say - if continue will put into an account for them?

Bertha - damn right they won't be agonizing!

Tribpot - good suggestions - but a bit complex and lots of work - would probably rather either give it all to the DCs or accept non of it.

Also - in regard to the questions about how final I want this to be, the longer the estrangement goes on, the calmer and happier I am about all of it - while I desperately wish my parents were different (especially my mother), the reality is that they aren't.

The definitely aren't going to change - and I can't see that any good would come of having a relationship with them.

Actually bumpt I think it is your dcs money so you don't really have the right to knock it back. i would put it into an account labelled GP so it is kept separate. if you 've only been estranged for a year, things can change.

i never thought I'd forgive my oen dm for her behaviour towards me and even when she died I felt nothing, but now, years later I actually miss her and have semi forgotten how awful she was.

Have you told them that you don't have a relationship with them any more? Has that conversation been had? I think if it has, you should send the cheques back and remind them of the conversation.

If, however, you're just avoiding them, then I would put all cheques into the children's savings account. I would send a pre-printed card and write "Thank you for the cheque, I've put it into the children's savings accounts for when they are older."

If they have ever been violent or abusive towards you, though, I wouldn't cash the cheques and wouldn't return them.

Oh and if you cash them, I wouldn't tell the children about it at all.

Imperial conversation has been had. To point of me saying I can't cope with relationship at the mo! No timeline stated,

Never physically abusive but emotionally abusive!

Don't want to just not cash cheques as then just waiting for them to contact me. Would rather keep some sense of control.

Think I will send message saying don't send me anything. And that if they choose to send money for the boys it will be banked!

Bumtios I think tat's the best option

That's the most open solution, Bumptious, although I worry that you will worry if you don't hear back from them. Particularly as they may then use the next cheque for one of your dses as a way of venting their displeasure.

I had this - I just didn't cash the cheques and the next year they only sent cards to children. I just knew what my parents would say - well she doesn't want anything to do with us but she's happy to accept our money.
I also knew they wouldn't contact me, they were just using birthdays etc to remind me they are lovely people who don't hold a grudge and I'm not .

Isn't saying 'don't send money but if you do I'll cash it' sending mixed messages too?

What about sending them the dcs bank account details with a message ' Thankyou for the cheques you have sent so far but I do not wish you to send any more. If you would like to give something to the dcs you can deposit money into theor savings accounts at XXXXX.

OK next time they send money, bank it in the children's accounts and say:

"Thanks for the cheque; I've banked it in the children's savings accounts for when they are older. I'd prefer it if you saved your money as the children don't need anything. A card will be fine if you want to remember their birthday."

Thankyou very much for all your help and support - after thinking about it for a few days I think I will:

a) wait until my birthday and see if they actually send anything - maybe they also think its time to stop this.

b) if they do send something, send a letter saying: Thankyou very much however given the state of our relationship I don't feel comfortable accepting gifts from them.

c) with regard to DSs - say: It is up to you if you continue sending presents to the boys, but you need to be aware that if you do, I will be putting the money into accounts for them, for when they are older.

That I think is the best I can do in the situation I am in.

That sounds reasonable, Bumptious. Hope you enjoy your birthday when it comes.

Bumptious I am in a very similar situation to you although my parents don't send anything to me just the DC's. I give the DC's the money and don't acknowledge my parents in any way because I know that any kind of acknowledgement on my part will encourage them.

Like you I know that they don't send the money out of the kindness of their hearts, they are playing the victims to themselves and anyone else who will listen. I know this of old as I've seen it happen many times before, not just with myself but my brother too.

I feel no guilt about not acknowledging them as I have finally learnt to put my needs and the needs of my DC's and DH first instead of having my life ruled and manipulated by these toxic people.