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Relationships

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Original poster

Please tell me how to 'Soul Search'

20 replies

MrsVandekamp · 18/08/2012 15:17

My marriage is in a mess. We seperated4 weeks ago. He left and is staying with a friend. We have 2 DCs.
Within this time, i have been to hell and back. One minute im angry, the next im sobbing uncontrollably, then im telling him i want a divorce, the next im begging him to come back. This has consumed by mind for every minute of the day since he left.
Whilst Im not happy in any way shape or form right now, and each day i seem to wake with a different mindset, we both agree that things just can not go back to the way they were before the seperation.
When things were good, the were bloody wonderful and I honestly dont know if we could ever get that back.
I went to see a Tarot card reader yesterday and want this marriage to work out.
The difficulty is that i just dont know how to do this, other than what im doing, and currently what i am doing is just going round in circles with my thought processes and cant seem to think straight one way or the other.
Please tell me how you do this to get your mind to come to a decision that is the right one?
Sorryif this doesnt make much sense.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsVandekamp · 18/08/2012 15:20

Sorry, the middle but of my message has dissapeared. I went to see a Tarot card reader and she suggested i do some soul searching to find out if i actually do want this marriage to work out

OP posts:

dequoisagitil · 18/08/2012 15:22

Maybe you need to talk with a relationship counsellor, on your own and sort out your feelings that way.

Why did he leave? What's gone wrong between you? What does he want?

sadwidow28 · 18/08/2012 15:26

I don't want to leave your question unanswered - but I hope your decisions are not being influenced by the tarot card reader.

How to soul search? Well, I see it as looking inside your heart and then looking inside your head to see if they match, or your head helps your heart to move on.

What do YOU want for this marriage?
Is it achievable?
Are BOTH of you prepared to work at this marriage?
Are there elements of the marriage that were so awful that no human should put up with them?

There are professional organisations that can help you and husband to do the 'soul-searching' together: Relate for example

Pancakeflipper · 18/08/2012 15:27

I think you need to consider why your marriage has floundered. What would need to change to make both people happy in it.

And you don't just want it to work because you are scared of the big wide world without them and it's easier than moving ahead without him. Cos it will be hard but you could be happier?

Lots of luck. Just try to unravel your thoughts bit by bit and examine each bit at a time and not look at the whole big mess in one go.

Original poster

MrsVandekamp · 18/08/2012 15:51

Thank you for your replies. I honeslty feel that he is having some sort of breakdown, a mid life crisis maybe? I dont know. We have just been in a vicious circlefor a few years now of doing things that make each other unhappy in a reaction to what the other one is doing.
I made an appt for relate 2 weeks ago, he agreed, then backed out. his tone has changed now, and i think he maybe up for it.
I feel the problems are that i dont want to put up with some of the things he wants to do any more, and he feels that he needs to do these things and if he stopped he wouldnt be happy and needs me to 'allow'him to be the way he wants.
I dont know.
Im sorry for being so vague, he knows i MN.
And no, im not being influence by a tarot card reader, but she did speak sense in many ways. i came out feeling more positive.

OP posts:

Conflugenglugen · 18/08/2012 15:53

As a tarot card reader, I would suggest you not go to a tarot card reader at this stage. Truly, OP. What you need is counselling or therapy.

dequoisagitil · 18/08/2012 16:02

You'd be better spending the money on Relate. It's fine to go alone. At least you can thrash out what you're feeling and then later on if he wants to come along, you could talk things out.

izzyizin · 18/08/2012 16:14

I'm not going to counsel you against going to a tarot card reader, a mystic, a medium, or a counsellor, because what you need now is to be able to get in touch with the inner 'you' and access the flame of self-knowledge that burns constant no matter what way the wind blows.

Without knowing what the 'things' are but assuming that they are things that the majority would find unacceptable, it seems to me that if you find some of the things he does so intolerable that to reach any accomodation with him doing them wiill cause you to compromise your integrity, or if any of those things cause you unnecessary distress or put you in harm's way, it would seem to me that you are best advised to end your marriage and let him follow his pursuits.

If, on the other hand, these 'things' are ones that would come under the general heading of hobbies no matter how eccentric, it may be that counselling with Relate or similar will enable you to reach some accord in relation to them.

Alternatively, if you're not able to work it out for youself, you could seek individual counselling to enable you to examine exactly how you feel in relation to these 'things' and whether they are truly unacceptable to you.

chickennoodle · 18/08/2012 16:35

I'm a lurker on here but I've got to reply, it could have been me writing this post a few months ago I referred myself to a local therapy service & it was the best thing I ever did, we tried to work out our differences, but my therapy sessions have allowed me to see that I needed to be happy & what things I could do to be happy. my husband sounds similar to yours, mid life crisis etc and I realised that he will not change unless he wants to, he doesn't want to or even think he needs to, we've officially split up now & a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders sure I'm a bit scared of ending up old & lonely, but I know at some point I will meet someone who i can be happy with, I'm learning exactly what I do & don't want & it's amazing and it's great just to be able to sit & talk & cry & have someone who listens & doesn't make you feel silly for feeling the way you do

garlicnuts · 18/08/2012 17:05

She was pretty good for a tarot reader! I don't think there are too many with the wisdom to suggest you figure out what the 'inner you' wants :)

How to Soul Search? With a counsellor or therapist. Go to the Relate appointment on your own if that will help you get started. Relate counsellors are only trained in relationships, where you need more in the way of self-exploration, but you might lucky and get a good one who paints an objective picture of your marriage for you.

Have a look on the bacp website for guidance on finding a therapist.

Original poster

MrsVandekamp · 18/08/2012 17:16

Chicken noodle, I think that I just wish he wanted to change to help make it work. but no he doesn't seem to think he needs to.
How is your separated relationship now, if you don't mind me asking?

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsVandekamp · 18/08/2012 17:18

Am going to book a counselling appt. on Monday.

OP posts:

MissyMessy · 18/08/2012 17:21

Your emotions are all over the place, understandably. I would allow yourself time to step back from the situation, maybe see if you can take time off for a wee while. Write down how you feel. Be honest with your H about your expectations. Maybe see if he will attend Relate with you, but you can attend alone as well.

Whilst things are in limbo, you will feel unsettled, uneasy and uncomfortable. Hopefully, you will both find a way forward soon.

amillionyears · 18/08/2012 17:23

Would it help,either on here,or at counselling,if you listed some of things you want him to change,and some of the things he prob wants you to change.

ChitchatAtHome · 18/08/2012 17:30

One of the questions to ask yourself - if you met your DH for the first time today, the way he is NOW, would you choose to keep seeing him? I think the answer to that will be very helpful to you.

garlicnuts · 18/08/2012 17:31

He's right in a way. There's an argument to say that, if you want your partner to change for the sake of your relationship with them, then you're in a relationship with the wrong partner.

Believe me, I know how devastating it is to find your world crashing around you. Why do you think it's driven you to such anguish for four weeks? Do you feel you've failed? Has he failed you - does he owe you something you can't express? Are you terrified of being left; is it your worst fear come true?

Hard questions, and you don't have to answer.

I hope you're looking after yourself sufficiently - eating, drinking liquids, sleeping. If you can't, then please see your doctor. Emotional distress take a lot out of your body. Please do your best to be lovely to yourself.

garlicnuts · 18/08/2012 17:32

xposts! Well done for deciding to get a counsellor :)

Original poster

MrsVandekamp · 18/08/2012 17:55

Garlic nuts, I think that some of the things he does which hurt me are as a result of me not showing him the love and affection that he needs but I find it hard to do that when he does the things he does. Like I said its a vicious circle and I'm not sure if we have come too far to break it.
After a month i now know that despite however miserable i am. and when finances get sorted I will be ok. I've proved to myself that I am stronger then i thought.

OP posts:

garlicnuts · 18/08/2012 18:12

I'm delighted to see your last post, MrsV! You are stronger than you thought. You will be OK :)
See, you're worth your own best attentions, aren't you?

Conflugenglugen · 18/08/2012 18:13

Just a clarification: I wasn't in any way questioning the tarot reader's competence. Not at all. In fact, the advice she gave was great.

What I do tend to take into account as a tarot reader, when someone is coming to me in acute crisis, is how much of what they are asking me to do comes from either a place of hope, or of denial, i.e. "Please tell me this isn't happening," or, "Please tell me it is going to be all right," or, "Please tell me s/he is going to change." In those circumstances, OP, your tarot reader gave you the very best advice: to look within and get your answer there.

Sometimes, however, tarot is a means of avoiding looking at what is really going on and focusing on the future instead. Such a fine line to tread. So I tend to err on the side of caution and advise clients rather to get help with their current feelings so that they can approach anything else with a greater sense of clarity and detachment.

OP, well done for deciding to opt for counselling. It's a brave first step.

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