Can somebody strip you of self-confidence in a non-obvious, subtle way?

[comfortablyum]

A friend of mine who used to be self-confident seems a lot more withdrawn than she used to be. Her husband doesn't seem overtly nasty, and I don't think he is violent, but he 'talks over her' a lot, and seems dismissive of her.
For example, I was around their house and the three of us wanted to watch something via i-player. My friend searched the iplayer site for the programme, but instead of taking her word for it, her dh insisted on searching for it himself.
This seems really trivial in itself, I know, but still.

Yes, they can. And of course, you can't know what goes on when it's just the two of them but his behaviour in public seems less than respectful if it's caught your attention. Of course, all spouses will say 'oh god just let me do it' on occasion the other is making a bit of a hash of something, but this seems like more of a pattern of behaviour.

Can you meet with her without him? Just to draw her out of herself a little, maybe say she seems a bit quieter than usual and is everything alright?

They certainly can. My ExH was really bad for me. I ended up angry, lacking confidence and miserable. He didn't have a lot of respect for me and I ended up not having any either.

Do talk to her. Friends commented after we divorced how much happier and calmer I seemed. I only really confided in one person during the marriage and he really helped.

Yes I'm afraid so. Talking over and dismissing are common controlling behaviours (not just in a domestic context). If your friend seems withdrawn a lot, it might be worth asking if she's ok or wants to talk.

Over-riding someone's autonomy and continually undermining them/their abilities, whether overtly or covertly, can produce a loss of confidence in the victim.

The h sounds like a self-entitled, overbearing, bombastic, arse, and your friend needs to call time on his emotional abuse of her before she becomes a pale shadow of her former vibrant and self-confdent self.

Unfortunately, it's not something you can do. Does your friend recognise that he's sucking the life-blood out of her and will she be willing to take steps to get this leech off of her?

My friend did carry out the iplayer thing properly, it is simply that the programme was not there. He wouldn't take her word for it.
He seems sneering of her, if you know what I mean, she's already saying that she is finding her job hard and doesn't have as much confidence in it as she had.

Maybe have a gentle chat with her in terms of her job, then. She might find that less threatening to talk about - but I wouldn't be at all surprised if she comes out with something like "I've missed out on a promotion and DH says it's because I am not good enough" (words to that effect) "I've missed a few deadlines. DH is always saying I mess dates up" etc.

Yes, tribpot, I shall do that.

I know of the concept of 'drip' effects i.e. seemingly innocent things mounting up to leave a big impression. Could it really be that somebody who has 'endured' years of 'drips' end up a nervous wreck?

A continual drip of water erodes stone; it gradually creates a dent and eventually it creates a hole where solid rock once stood.

You've seen what he does to your friend in company, but only the fly on the wall knows what he's doing in private because she may have become so accustomed to the drip that she can't see what he's done, and is doing, to her.

What a brilliant analogy, izzyizin, you may be right; she may be so close she cannot see how obnoxious he is.

What tends to happen, and you'll see it on here all the time, is that the confidence and self-belief of the 'stone' is eroded so subtlely that they will genuinely believe what they are told. Sources of external validation are removed; have you noticed her having less and less contact with her family, for example? This is used to reinforce the message of worthlessness by ensuing there are fewer chances for the message to be negated.

There are many possible places on the spectrum between a partner who's a bit of a dick and full-on emotional abuse. But it would be good for her to know you've noticed the dickishness and that you're willing to help if she needs it.

Give it here, you can't do anything right!
Haha, clumsy, look what a mess you've made!
Morning, Fatty!
You look like a witch first thing in the morning, haha.
Sarah always looks beautiful, no matter what.
Are you all right? You look like shit.
You're always too tired to suck my dick, make my dinner, etc. That job's stressing you out.
Why did they give you this job?
I know you've got a breakfast presentation, but you really need to do that ironing tonight.
Just do what you can at the conference, don't let it pressure you. Come and suck my dick.
The other people at your work are all so glamorous/educated/fashionable/clever/etc.
Jane's a fantastic cook.
What did you put in this sauce? It's disgusting! You are a silly, haha.
Emily's a perfect little wife. Jim's a lucky guy.
Isn't dinner ready? Isn't breakfast ready? Have you made my lunch? Haven't I got any clean shirts? What's that mess on the floor? You're late!
You never pull your weight around here.
Evening, Lazy!
You should support me in front of the others.
Your jokes upset everyone, you should stop with the humour. It's embarrassing.
You laugh like a strangled dog. Haha.
Stop grinning! Try and look cool, for god's sake.
Wasn't Vicky funny tonight?!
Oh, shut up. Oh, be quiet. You're talking rubbish again. Stop interrupting. Let other people get a word in. You're always so loud! Stop moaning. Suck my dick. Peel me a grape. Clean that up. Get a move on! Can't take a joke. Haha.
... drip, drip, drip ...

Comfortably, has your friend ramped on the self-deprecation? Does she make little 'jokes' against herself and apologise too much? Can you point it out if so, and maybe get her to think rationally about whether she's good at her job?

Here's an easy self-esteem trick: at the end of each day, write down what you did well. Everything from holding the door open for a mum with a pram to securing a big contract. Just the things you did 'right' today, don't waste space on qualifiers and "buts". If she admits she's losing confidence, could you suggest this to her?

If she starts working on getting her confidence back, you could give her a copy of Living with the Dominator or/and Why Does He Do That? She's lucky to have friends who notice, and who care :)

There are many possible places on the spectrum between a partner who's a bit of a dick and full-on emotional abuse.
how do you know which is which though?

i agree that his actions will have eroded her confidence, it has happened to me in my marriage but my husbands other behaviours dont really fit in with that of an "abuser" so i tend to think that he can just be a bit thoughtless most of the time sometimes.

I had a boss who did this to me; she took the best part of four years to destroy my self confidence at a job that I had professional qualifications in, and eventually I had to quit for the sake of my mental health, and the toll it was taking on my life and my family.

Evil evil people who do this to others.

Another yes from me. My boss did this at the same time as my Ex. It's awful. Izzy and Garlic have explained it perfectly, something I'm not able to do yet. I'm sad for your friend and well done for spotting it OP.

OMG, MissF, that happened to me too It's dreadful, isn't it - no safe haven.

I hope you're finding a good recovery. x

Garlic nuts I had a female friebd do that to me. It does erode self confidence. I have ni advice as if it haooebed at work or a ace I couldn.t easily leave that personI do not kbow how I would handle it.

'You look like a witch in the morning ha ha'

I DO look like a witch in the morning - hence the name!

The guy might be an abuser known as the water torturer who destroys confidence slowly and insidiously. Women who have suffered physical abuse often say that the emotional damage is much harder to heal as it attacks your very soul and the damage is inside and unseen.

abuse101.com/toxicmen.html

The self esteem tricks and being good to yourself start the journey on the road out but your friend has to realise what he's doing - she's probably blaming herself and thinking she's stupid etc., at the moment. That's why he does it. Once she makes a shift in her thinking he will know better than to try that stuff and his attitude will change. Best not to let him know you're reading up on his little games though!

Thank you garlic and you too.

Luckily I knew my worth before going to work for who I do, which is coming to an end now due to company dispanding.

Also I was only with my newly ex for nearly 3 years and found mumsnet about a year ago therefore became able to detatch and watch the performance for a while rather than participate.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger though doesn't

My stbxh used to do this.. if i cooked dinner he would query if I remembered all the ingredients (one by one) .. would call me 'half job' (making out that i didn't finish anything ) and basically ran me down so much that my sisters stopped visiting .. I just put up with it.. much happier now :-)

Yes. Everyone thought my ex was a doting, loving bloke who'd do anything for me. He almost destroyed me, bit by bit by bit.

Garlic my skin crawled reading that, and I felt ill. I've heard so many of those phrases, so many times, that they still hurt even when not directed at me. Can't understand how anyone could do that to another human being. :(

Me too, Empusa. I was just coming on to say that. How awful to recognise phrases like that.

Oh dear, Empusa, I didn't mean to make you feel ill!

I hate, hate, hate hearing people do that - especially to children, and it's surprising how often you do hear it :(

I've given myself a heads-up though. I deleted a bit about how the same thing can be done with "caring" instead of "humour". I only deleted it because my post was too long - but, reading it back, I realised a family member's new girlfriend might be doing it to him! She's very solicitous. I'm going to listen harder next time I see them.

No problem garlic, it just shocked me that it still had an effect, almost a decade later!

I am disappointed, NorthWitch! I've always pictured you as a snow-queen type, like Gwynnie in The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe :)