Feeling out of control

[theredhen]

Dp and I are currently having relate counselling. I moved into his ex marital home two years ago with my now teenage ds. Ds lives with us most of the time and sees his dad one night a fortnight on average (exes choice). I work virtually full time away from home. Dp works in and around home and has 4 kids, 3 of whom are teens. His relationship with ex wife is extremely volatile and the current set up is this dsd2 loves with us full time and doesn't want to see mum despite our encouraging, dsd1 and dsd4 live with us a third of the time and dss doesn't see us at all much to ex wife's delight.

Much of our counselling is centred around me feeling our home is not really mine and ds home and I still feel like a visitor despite now living there for over two years. I literally never know who will be at home when I leave work or what I am coming home to. When I do get time off work dp will arrange to have the kids extra days and then often carry on working leaving me with them or do things like five me am hours notice for having a business meeting in the house with ten people (he has an office in the garden).

With regard to the kids, we agree on house rules for all the kids and then he changed the boundaries got his kids, so again, nothing is how I expect it to be and I never know what is happening. This can affect anything from bedtimes, lifts for kids, pocket money, manners etc.

He is always making "jokey" comments about my son and never seems to have anything positive to say about him. In four years, he's never done anything one to one with my ds to build a positive relationship, despite me doing so with all of his kids seperately even when nome of them lived with is full time.

So I look back on being a single mum with one child to focus on and remember a free and easy life where I made the rules and ds stuck to them. I could plan simple things while I was at work like a DVD and a bar of chocolate or a lie in. I'm not allowed to do that anymore because other peoples plans take priority over mine.

So what I am trying to say is that I feel completely out of control of my own life. I don't feel I'm bringing up ds as I want because dsc have rules that are allowed to be broken so I feel I have to allow ds to do it too. Dp rarely tells me what is happening at home and I literally have to get home from work and check every room in the house to see who is there (dp has to pick kids up, there is no public transport). Dp has agreed on counselling to keep me more informed but it's still a bit hit and miss, I got home the other day to be home for ten mins before I realised dsd age 9 was in the house with me and ds. Dp has never even discussed my ds babysitting before.

So is wanting control over my own life actually being a bit controlling? Dp keeps telling me that he thinks my attitude is "my way or no way" when I try and talk about it but he is impossible to reason with hence why we are at counselling. He just stone walls me by walking off on a huff, telling me I'm being "silly" or bringing up how imperfect my ds is.

Apologies for bad spelling, it's not me, it's my phone. Honest!

Should have read dp gives me an hours notice for meeting with ten or so people at 7am. Sometimes just brings random people in with no notice. He says he prefers using the house to his office.

Hi, I'm not sure what to say in response. Your house sounds chaotic and I'm not surprised you feel out of control. Your DP sounds inconsiderate and doesn't seem to see/appreciate how much he's expecting from you or what a key role you are playing in helping him to continue his chaotic life.

I'm thinking on a practical level, it's almost like some form of clocking in system for all his children would be useful....and certainly some diary management all round.

Also, some boundaries relating to how your DP works from home. OK wfh can make it difficult to separate home and work life but from what you write he doesn't seem to appreciate that it is your home too...can you designate some space away from his clients/business - i.e. work-free zones. And again, a diary or booking system of some kind for meetings in the house. TBH I'd ask him to hold meetings like that somewhere else - it's more usual to meet at a hotel or cafe in my experience. Very rare to meet at someone's house even if they are home-based.

Then there is the matter of his attitude to your DS. It sounds like you are taking on a huge amount of responsibility for his DCs...but he doesn't give you the credit or support back to see what an amazing job you're doing with his and your own kids. I'm wondering if that is defensive on his part...he obviously isn't reliably there as much as you are for his own kids, let alone yours.

I'm assuming here that you want to stay with the guy. Maybe you could give him a short sharp shock by going away, just you and your DS, and let him manage everything on his own for a bit.

Don't know if that's any help.

Either that or try to concentrate on your own DS, withdraw your babysitting services and leave your DP to get on with managing his own life/DC his way. But that's leading towards a split between your ways of working...which might not be good for a future relationship together.

It sounds really difficult. Practically, would you be able to move out with DS? I don't think the relationship has to end (unless you want it to) but this way of living doesn't seem to suit you. you can try and make yourself happy with it, but if you are not, you are not...

I've suggested moving out but dp says there's no point in carrying on our relationship if I do that.

So its "his way or the highway" then. he doesn't take your misery seriously at all, does he? That can't be very nice. I wonder what's keeping you there? You seem to have very differen notions of parenting and your DS certainly could manage without him.

What are you getting out of the relationship?

Catsrus, good question. I do end up feeling very stressed and unhappy a lot of the time. Dp keeps telling me I'm being unreasonable and I have a need to be in control but I think it's more the need for him to be in control by constantly moving the boundaries for everyone.

How does your DS feel about it all? Is he happy? does he feel pushed out by the other children, does he feel neglected by DP?

Ds seems surprisingly happy, ive asked him outright several times. he does know I struggle with it all though. He tells me to just ignore them and do my own thing! he likes the company of the other kids, but also seems to let them criticise him and says nothing back. I think he's learnt to be a bit of a doormat from me! He says he likes my dp but doesn't think he likes him.

Oh, I think you should move out.

Your son thinks the man who is supposed to be his step-parent doesn't like him, and what you say about his treatment of your ds and the way he talks about him suggests he is right. I think that's a horrible situation and it's going to undermine the poor boy's self-esteem. Your dp should like your boy.

Plus he doesn't respect your feelings or your boundaries - basically respect you much at all.

Also, your ds is almost bound to say that he is happy - he probably won't want to feel the one who 'wrecks things' & puts a spoke in your relationship. He sounds like he's in the position of supporting you, when it should be the other way round (sorry).

Sounds like there are few positives for you and ds. I'd consider moving if p won't agree to stick to boundaries etc. Full frank discussion needed I think...good luck with it all

Dp says he will "try" to keep to boundaries and he knows I'm very upset and stressed and he also knows counselling is the last chance saloon for us as far as I'm concerned.

The truth is "trying" isn't enough for me and to be honest I think it's a bit of a cop out. He doesn't want to keep to boundaries because he might lose some of his control then!

I think trying is a 'weasel' word.

My dp is running a multimillion pound business as his job, he doesn't "try" in his job he just bloody well does it. He's incredibly confident and strong minded in his job, so it's not like he's a bit airy fairy in other areas of his life but he can't stick by some basic house rules for his kids?!

Sorry sounds like you are doing all the compromising , I think you are an amazing woman to put up with all this chaos in the house , PLUS holding down a full-time job, may i suggest you sit down and think what you are getting from this relationship , and what you see as a way forward to benefit you and your DS , if you conclude that it would be easier on your own , a hard choice but something maybe you should consider, good luck and take care you have given this man alot and seems you do not get the respect you deserve.

He sounds rich. Tell him to get a housekeeper.

He wants me to work less hours, I used to think I wanted to work less hours but I find myself working more to avoid the chaos at home.

If I plan a day at home I literally can't plan what I do with my time anyway.

And yes we do have someone who comes in and does a bit of cleaning. I insisted on this before I even moved in as I knew I would be resentful clearing up after his kids who wouldn't be taught to clear up after themselves.

One advantage is that we do live in a big house which doesn't bother me but I know ds likes it after living in our single parent broom cupboard. I actually wonder what his rich friends will think if we went back.

Hmm. Of course he wants you to work less - so you can do a better job of being Stepford wife/stepmum/housekeeper/P.A.

I can kind of identify with you because my daughter, her bf and baby ds have recently moved in and until I laid down the law I was expected to be there at the drop of a hat any time they needed a lie-in/poo/chill-out time. While i'm happy to babysit it's on my terms now (well, we're getting there!). I think you need dh and his brood to start respecting your 'me' time. How you're going to do that I don't know, because it really does look like your dh expects you to just fit in with his life and make everything easier for him

Does he know your ds thinks he doesn't like him? Is he aware his kids put him down? That's awful.

Yes I told him what ds said and he was upset and has been making more of an "effort" but now dsd has moved in I an really noticing the differences in his he treats them.

Counsellor knows dp has "issues" with boys hence him losing his own son, albeit, hopefully temporarily.

His own children have no idea where the boundaries and rules are and I feel so sorry for them whilst also feeling resentful that they seem to get everything their way too.

I do sit and wonder what I am getting out of this set up sometimes.

It sounds like your DP doesn't know how to be in a relationship. He expects to carry on the same as ever and for nothing to change. Meanwhile you're expected to just fit in with his life, and have no life of your own.

Apart from that, if anyone treated my DS the way your DP treats your son I would be gone like a shot. I find it very sad that your DS claims to be happy despite the fact that he knows your DP doesn't like him - it shows how low his self esteem is. He clearly doesn't feel he deserves to be liked and respected by your partner :(