Husband meeting up with a woman

[KaFayOLay]

We live away from family.
Due to animals etc at home, we visit our families alone most of the time. I always take the children (if not both, 1 definitely comes with me) to see my folks, as does he used to.
Late last year, he went without the children and has a few times since (4 times I think). I suspect know he is seeing a woman up there ... the power of FB .
I have asked him more than once, he has denied it. He has turned it round to me seeing somebody, which is quite frankly laughable and I think he just uses it is as a defence.

Who is she? No idea but could be an ex, or just an ex school friend.

So, as he denies it, would it be unreasonable to message her on FB, or is that a big no no?

If he has been doing the dirty, I will leave him, there will be no going back from this. We have been married 10 yrs, 2 kids.

Hi Kafay, the fact that he's trying to turn the blame to you is a red flag, he's deflecting your questions and your suspicions and of course, the blame from himself.
I'm sure some of the more clued up members will be along in the morning and they can explain it much better than me.
I would look for more evidence, mobile txts, records, his e mail to see if you can find anything substantial.

What have you found on FB, if it's incriminating and proves something then get it printed off and filed away for the solicitor (if it comes to that)

It would be pointless to contact her now if ever as she's only going to deny it.

are there any other reasons why you think he is/would cheat and does he have previous?

What do your instincts tell you?, many on here who've been cheated on, will tell you to listen to them.

I would insist that he takes DC with him next time he goes to see his folks and see how he reacts. Stick to your guns there and even fabricate a reason why they have to go with him. If he flips his lid, I would say that he's got an alterior motive and is not just planning to see his family.

Like dondon33 says, what have you found on Facebook? Turning the blame round onto you is also a potential indicator of guilt. Try checking his phone and email etc.

However, even if there isn't an OW, you clearly don't trust him and that's cause for concern in itself.

On FB, I have seen his messages, where he says it was great to see her again and also went on about a phone call they'd had.
There appeared to be only one message, whereas before there was some back and fall between them. I think I may have missed the boat when it comes to copying them off .
On one message, he said he had a horse (which is mine, he has nothing to do with her), 3 dogs, 2 kids, oh yes and a wife ... this is how it was written.

When I asked him last time whether he was taking the kids, he said no.
I asked him if he was meeting up with the OW then and he said "Right, I won't go then".
I wouldn't stop him going, his dad is recently widowed and I'm sure he likes to see his son.

I think you know the answer Kay... you are posting here for confirmation

You need to protect yourself and your DC's from his lying

Yes, well you have enough to let you know for certain that the relationship with OW has the potential to be inappropriate....it already is inappropriate.
If you want to do anything you can to save your marriage from a possible affair or infidelity then I'd say step in now.

Clearly they are attracted to each other. It happens. OW is attractive, paying him attention, he's flattered, it's exciting etc etc. Right - yes. But, if he goes a step further then you will have no option but to re-appraise the relationship. He's about to cross a line, assuming he hasn't already crossed it. It's his life and you can't stop him going to his dad's or meeting OW, or anything else. No harm in stepping in now and warning him about what the consequences of that might be though. Then give him the choice.

Insist on going with him with the kids next time. Say you haven't seen his Mum for ages.

See how he reacts....

I think confront now. You know enough. 'I know you've met up with her and exchanged messages. It looks like it could go further. I can understand the temptation. A sexual affair would be a deal-breaker for me. I can't actually stop you...but it will have consequences and be an end to our relationship. It's up to you but please think about it.' If he says, 'i won't go then'. say 'thank you, I'm glad'.

I would say, denying it and deflecting it back to you are two of the biggest indicators that this is not all above board.

From the other perspective, I had a male friend when I was still with H, I spent time with him & his DCs, I met up occasionally with him on his own for a drink, but I always told H about it. There was nothing going on (although I would have liked there to be!) but once I started feeling like I wanted to meet up with him and NOT tell H I realised my feelings were getting out of hand and I took a step back. I didn't see him again until after my marriage was over.

I'm not saying that men & women can't be friends, I know plenty of people on here have friends of the opposite sex, but for me, I found it hard being friends when I found him so attractive (sadly its not reciprocated!)

I think his reaction says a lot to you, he is not being reassuring that of course he loves you and that if it makes you uncomfortable that he has met up with her he won't do it. He is denying it and making you out to be at fault. Big red flag. Sorry. x

Do you phone his dad when he's there? I would insist he takes the children and watch for his reaction.

How is your relationship otherwise?

I think it is quite fair to want to know:

• why he describes his family in that way to another woman- a horse, dog, kids and wife, in that order (we all know why)

-why he hasnt told you she exists- however much freedom your relationship is based on that is odd)

-why he is phoning her

-why he is facebooking her regularly

-why he is making more trips home than usual, and why suddenly without the family

Any normal rational person married to this man would think all this odd, especially one you put it together as a group of activities.

There is a final problem too, and it is a big one- there is no space in your relationship to name your fears, without being shut down and even getting counter accusations.

He is behaving badly, and also trying to make you feel that you are the one with the problem.

At the very least he is having or in the process of warming up an emotional affair.

Book counselling now. Drag him off to it. Tell him you are concerned that he is in a dangerous place, and give him a clear warning and a clear boundary.

DO NOT hide you head under the sand on this. Whilst you can't control anything he does, he can't bitch and moan when about the shitstorm that HIS choices will result in, because he was warned.

Be clear, and firm. There is a good download from lindajmacdonald.com entitled 'what will you become?' It spells out very clearly the horrible cost to people thinking of cheating, to them. To their family, their sense of self as a person, and the legacy to their children.

Did his father cheat? It is a big indicator.

Afraid I agree with the other wise posters.It's inappropriate and he knows it.Even if it's 'just friends',as I'm sure he'd like to justify the contact with this OW .He hasn't been open and honest about it so far and that is a huge red flag.
Fiveandthree is correct ,he is either warming up to or having an emotional affair.

Once my DHs secret 'friendship' with an OW was exposed by her DH finding texts I gave him a very clear message.Delete her number and email ,no more contact whatsoever and expect me to take a long time to recover from this betrayal of trust.He did briefly try to minimise just how long it had gone on for ( months) but not for long when he realized our marriage was over unless he was a) honest about what had happened and why/ how it had crossed boundaries. b)honest from that day onwards and no more lying by omission.
I was no jealous harpie.He had other truly platonic friendships that I felt totally at ease with.But this was different, and he knew it.Largely down to the predatory and very flirty nature of OW as confirmed to me retrospectively.

Hopefully your DH will come to his senses And stop deflecting and denying.Sometimes they are like a rabbit in the headlights when caught out and in denial of their own behaviour initially.Good luck and hope he does the right thing and puts you first.