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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Worried about DH

16 replies

MyAmygdalaDidIt · 17/08/2012 22:58

I am worried about my DH. We have two small DC and both work so we a both pretty tired most of the time. My husband has always needed more sleep than me but lately he has been really tired and I think quite miserable. I feel like l am treading on egg shells much of the time with him. I feel we don't have very many positive interactions as a couple right now. He doesn't seem to enjoy family life or time with me that much - though he really does love DC. I don't think he meets criteria for depression but he is so negative about everything. Really hard to please. I have suggested he sees GP re tiredness but he hasn't been. I guess I'd like some opinions on what people would do. Feeling quite isolated and alone with this ... and pretty miserable myself.

OP posts:

fuzzpig · 17/08/2012 23:05

Hello,
I think it is worth trying to get him to see the doctor. Depression manifests in many ways so it could be the answer here. In any case, when it's affecting family life, he has a duty to try and sort it out (I say that as a long term depressive)
Love the name by the way!

omfgkillmenow · 17/08/2012 23:11

you dont need to meet the DMV crieteria to have one depressive episode. when he does sleep does he get "quality" sleep or is it disturbed? We need to have good quality sleep to be rested, the amount of time is immaterial. We have alpha sleep and REM sleep, if we lack REM sleep then we are tired all the time regardless of hours we sleep. Make sure sleep time is undisturberd, dark room, no noise, no other sleep disturbances due to say coughing or blocked noses. I have sleep problems because of nasal polyps and asthma which means i need to wake up to blow nose or cant breathe. Rule out physical symptoms first, then look at mental health issues.

Original poster

MyAmygdalaDidIt · 17/08/2012 23:13

Thanks fuzzpig really appreciate your reply. Perhaps I'm not seeing everything ...being too close. I need to steal myself to talk to him but finding it hard to find the right moment/way to broach. He has gone to bed tonight without speaking to me following an argument. He was fed up with (and quite rude) to my DM who was asking if he was OK today....

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Original poster

MyAmygdalaDidIt · 17/08/2012 23:18

omfg yes I was actually wondering about sleep apnoea ... he snores quite loudly. He is a deep sleeper and does not wake when DC do in night. We cosleep with DD. Maybe it is a sleep quality thing .... I have not 'slept though' for over 4 years now!!

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omfgkillmenow · 17/08/2012 23:25

I would suggest trying to get DD in own bed/cot asap. He may be subconsciously aware of her in bed and worried about squashing her etc. He may be frequently waking up, but not becoming fully conscious, thus disturbing his sleep pattern. I have studied sleep (as part of psychology degree) and if you don't get enough "proper" sleep then it can really have a terrible effect on your waking life. I wouldn't suggest sleep apnoea unless he is waking up and suddenly taking a huge intake of breath, or you notice him stopping breathing for longer than usual. It is more likely that it is he is "scared" to go into a deep deep sleep with dd in the bed. I would move her ASAP.

Original poster

MyAmygdalaDidIt · 17/08/2012 23:29

Interesting. So I guess my question would be why is it having such a deleterious effect on him and not me? Are there big individual differences in need for sleep? DH is very keen on cosleeping because he has never had to get up in the night .... but food for thought here. Thanks.

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omfgkillmenow · 17/08/2012 23:41

I would suggest that women have become adapted, if you like, (over millenia) to sleeping next to their offspring, and it doesn't cause them so many problems, whereas for men it is a relatively new "social" thing (I did joint sociology) . I slept with DD on my breast many nights with a bf pillow to support me, when she was wee and slept like a lamb. But in his subconscious, he knows DD is there, he may roll over and squash her, or hurt her in some way. He may be partially waking to check her safety, but not really becoming fully awake? Does DD sleep between you or on your side? Maybe putting DD on your side with bed guard would make a difference if you still want to co sleep?

Original poster

MyAmygdalaDidIt · 17/08/2012 23:46

So she was on my side ... we have the whole mattress on the floor set up .. but then DH said he wanted to have her in the middle for her to be able to cuddle him too. Hmmmm. Maybe we'll go back to the old arrangement to see if that helps. Thanks again omfg really needed to talk about this tonight.

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rhondajean · 17/08/2012 23:51

I have noticed over the years I need less sleep than my DH.

We had a bad time a couple of years back. He was getting up very early to wok, and eventually snapped. Not badly, we fixed it, but if I could have gone back and stopped it before it happened I would move heaven andearth to do it.

Many will disagree with me, and say I am harsh, but if your childrenno longer need night feeds and it's having a detrimental effect on the family that they are waking, then find a way to stop them waking.

I don't mean that to be abrupt or sound easy - I've left it broad to find what works for you, wouldn't like to presume.

omfgkillmenow · 17/08/2012 23:55

your welcome. You just need to let DH know that it is his survival instinct that is stopping him getting quality sleep, yes it is lovely to cuddle DD, but his subconscious is worried. SO have a cuddle before sleep, then let her sleep on your side. Maybe even let him read this thread, I am sure there are countless sites on the web, and it has been 5 years since i graduated so im not saying everything I have said is up to date current thinking. But I honestly think you can rule out mental health problems, which is great. Wishing you all the best.

Original poster

MyAmygdalaDidIt · 17/08/2012 23:58

I guess we need to test if that it is sleep deprivation that is the thing that is causing the stuff I am worried about. Appreciate your candour though rhondajean - all opinions gratefully received the way am feeling.

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Kiwiinkits · 18/08/2012 03:36

How's your sex life? Co-sleeping can be a bit of a romance killer, no?

He may really appreciate some time alone with his woman

Original poster

MyAmygdalaDidIt · 18/08/2012 07:53

Yup. Also worth considering that - thanks.

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balotelli · 18/08/2012 13:03

Do not move dd into another bed if you are co sleeping. Move DH into another room!

We co sleep with our dd and I was not getting enough decent sleeep so i moved into another room and now we are all much happier.

Sex life hasnt suffered we just find different places to do it now!!

amillionyears · 18/08/2012 13:19

I think a visit to the GP to see if everything is ok healthwise is advisable.
Also has he got other worries on his mind such as financial,job,ill relatives etc?

Original poster

MyAmygdalaDidIt · 18/08/2012 14:46

Yes ... think he should see GP and we need to sit down and talk things through a bit. Problem is he really does love the co-sleeping with DD which is lovely but I think start we should change places again, see how that goes...

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