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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

in laws!!!

30 replies

mameulah · 17/08/2012 22:23

My husband and I are extremely close to my parents and are both really looking forward to sharing our newborn, due in November with them. We have an entirely different relationship with his parents. They don't listen, and they don't know they don't listen. They are not interested in us at all. Only themselves. I know we will have to give them a shot of the baby. I know I am going to find this really hard. I would really appreciate any advice about how best to set it up so that they don't suffocate me when I am at my most emotional and vulnerable? Has anyone been in a similar situation and found a way of coping?

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 18/08/2012 07:10

I am a little confused - if they are only interested in themselves and not you and your DH - why would they be suffocating? Do they live near? Are they going to change and be interested in a grandchild?

LowerYourOpinion · 18/08/2012 08:43

Does your DH feel the same way as you?

ImperialBlether · 18/08/2012 09:03

I think you need to say more about your relationship. How often do you see them now? Do you think that will increase once you've had the baby? Do they have a key to the house? If so, now would be the time to get that sorted.

Don't tell them when you go into labour, would be my advice.

exoticfruits · 18/08/2012 09:05

If they have no interest I would have thought they would be unlikely to want to know!

exoticfruits · 18/08/2012 09:05

We do need more information before we can advise.

PooPooOnMars · 18/08/2012 09:07

What do you mean by give them a shot of the baby?

LowerYourOpinion · 18/08/2012 09:12

Just because they aren't interested in the OP and her DH doesn't mean they may not be interested in their child. Poo I assume the OP means they will have to let them see the baby and play grandparents maybe?

LowerYourOpinion · 18/08/2012 09:13

I think if someone wasn't remotely interested in me and DH but only my children I would find that hard to maintain a positive relationship.

ByTheWay1 · 18/08/2012 09:14

give them a shot is a way of saying let them have their turn - where I (and probably OP) come from.....

Original poster

mameulah · 18/08/2012 11:06

By way of explaining they are only interested in themselves. For example, they actually said that our wedding was supposed to be the happiest day of 'their' lives. I am really lucky in that my dh thinks the same as me but he works all the time and I am so worried I am going to get lumbered with them. We don't have the same values as them. They say mean stuff and they don't recognise any kind of body language or subtle hint. When we told dh's mum that we were expecting a baby I then went on to explain that we had found it to be quite a difficult time because we had previously had a missed miscarriage. She didn't listen to a word I said, in fact, she actually laughed at her husbands joke. Neither my dh or I enjoy any aspect of their company but I know they will totally self absorbed in 'being grandparents' and will think only of their own needs. Arg! The bit that stresses me most is how to cope with them when I am at my most emotional and vulnerable?

OP posts:

Paintyourbox · 18/08/2012 11:12

Totally feeling your pain here as we are in the same situation.

I think the only advice I can offer is that there's strength in numbers. When they are visiting agree with your DH beforehand how long you want them to stay, what you want to do etc. DH will have to be the "enforcer" when you have a new baby and they insist on turning up and interrupting your routine.

They sound like my ILs, only interested in themselves. They tend to turn up, take photos of themselves with DD but then hand her back as soon as she gets upset. Never offered to help change her/bath her/hold her so mummy can have a drink. We now make them phone in advance of coming (and sometimes if DD is napping I just say they have to leave it an hour as she is sleeping and I am away to nap too).

charlottehere · 18/08/2012 11:19

Total sympathy from me. similar situation here. You need to make sure DH is being very strict with them. DO NOT tell them when you are in labour. I would arrange for them to visit 6 2 weeks after the birth. HTH

Original poster

mameulah · 18/08/2012 11:45

Well, I have made it clear that I want my parents there first. We both adore them and I couldn't care less what state of disrepair I am in when they meet the baby. But I have said that I want to be clean and semi recovered by the time his parents appear. I figure one visit at the hospital and then I am going to say that I don't want any visitors at home without prior arrangement. I can't help it, I really promise I have tried to make it nice with them and for them them. Even when they are being nice it is like there is a condition. And their daughter hasn't spoken to them in more than ten years which makes me resent getting stuck with them even more. I know that ultimately my dh and I will set it up so that it works for us. I just don't know what they will put us through in order for us to get to that point. I reallly think that they are going to be interested in being grandparents with no regard to us being parents. And I know she is going to try to give me heaps of advice which I resent because they are rubbish parents. What about post labour and this awful meltdown where your all your hormones leave your body? Does anyone have any experience on how you cope with selfish visitors during this time? Usually I am good at keeping my mouth shut and letting them get on with whatever ridiculous story they have but I can't imagine being able to do it then. And I don't want an audience when I am so vulnerable.

OP posts:

charlottehere · 18/08/2012 11:47

Why have them at the hospital? I wouldn't tbh. They sound vile.

Original poster

mameulah · 18/08/2012 11:53

If I have them at the hospital then I won't have to have them at home. And it is surely easier to get rid of them at the hospital? Honestly they don't even know that they are hard work. They think they are great. It is like heaps of passive aggressive stuff.

OP posts:

seoladair · 18/08/2012 11:54

You poor thing. I have very difficult in-laws so I have great sympathy for you.
My baby is 15 months, and I have had a turbulent time with them since she was born.
I actually invited them to visit me in hospital the day after baby was born, as I felt I'd rather see them in the neutral setting of a hospital which turfs visitors out after their time is up That way you also get to say "but you were one of the first people to meet baby" when they subsequently moan about not getting enough quality time etc.
You will have tough times ahead, but it helps that your DH is on side. Good luck!

Original poster

mameulah · 18/08/2012 12:00

What else have you learned about how to cope with them? Is there anything you wish you had done differently? One of the biggest mistakes I made when I first met my husband was think that I could 'fix' the dysfunctional part of his family. So I was really bubbly all the time and tried to disguise the awkwardness of it all. Then they invited us for Christmas. Something my dh hadn't shared with them for years. Honestly, it really felt like being penalised for doing a good job. Now they have annoyed me enough that I figure it is fair if I just sit there and make the awkwardness really apparent. I already feel so incredibly protective of my baby and my new little family. I really don't want them to be a part of it but I know that is not the right thing to do. Was there anything you said or did that worked well so that they got the message?

OP posts:

charlottehere · 18/08/2012 12:01

Are you sure they aren't my PIL? Well, I would try and change your mindset, you dont have to have them visit anywhere for at least a few weeks.

But tis true, the hospital will get rid.

Paintyourbox · 18/08/2012 12:26

The hospital got rid of mine which was great (as I didn't really feel like having visitors for ages while I was sat hormonal and with a catheter in!!)

If you are really concerned about them invading your space at home when you are hormonal my advice would be lock the door, stick a note up saying "don't knock, sleeping baby" and let them get on with it. It may well be that once they realise they can't do much with such a young baby that they will get bored and leave you alone.

Thank them for any "advice" they give you and file it in the back of your mind. I spent last night with FIL saying DD would sleep if I would just give her a little brandy!! He was being deadly serious!!

ByTheWay1 · 18/08/2012 12:41

I just said "really?!?!" "mmmmm" "I suppose so" or let an involuntary "hah" escape whenever the well meaning advice came that I thought was absolute bollocks - soon stopped.

I also have a "phone before visiting" rule and if I want a limited visit said "oh, the health visitor will be here at 3 to look at my stitches" or "Aunty xxxx (the family odd bod) is coming round in an hour " never seen them run off so fast..

seoladair · 18/08/2012 13:14

I never pick up the landline until I hear through the answer-machine who is calling. MIL used to be on the phone constantly and I found it very intrusive. Now she has stopped doing that, which is good.
It sounds similar to my situation - like yours, my SIL is estranged from her mother (my MIL), and FIL is also estranged from his son. But you are in a much better position than me already in that your DH doesn't want to be close with them. You will be fine, but I would advise you to fasten your seatbelt now for some bumpy times ahead...

ImperialBlether · 18/08/2012 14:28

I agree with seoladair - you will be absolutely fine because you and your husband are in complete agreement.

You mentioned the hormones kicking in - on day 3, for me, I cried solidly all day. No reason. Nothing there for me to worry about. Healthy children, etc. It was like turning on a tap. At the end of a couple of days I could dry my eyes and feel fine. Don't worry too much if you feel like this, but be very very careful who you invite round at that point.

Original poster

mameulah · 18/08/2012 15:09

Yeah that is what I figure. And you are all right I am really, really lucky that my dh and I are on the same page. It is just so frustrating because in no other circumstances, except through marriage, would I have anything to do with these people. Did any of you have any trouble with the in laws comparing how much they got to see the baby compared to your own family? I guess I am just going ot have to be strong and blunt. I would just rather not have to deal with them at all though. By the way, I can't believe how many crazy in law stories there are out there!

OP posts:

seoladair · 18/08/2012 15:53

Yes - my MIL shrieked a few weeks ago that she has "equal rights" with my parents. MIL had seen baby 3 times in July including me staying twice overnight for 2 nights, but hey, never let the facts get in the way of a good moan...

Original poster

mameulah · 18/08/2012 16:02

How did you cope with it? Were you not absolutely furious? Any good ideas about how to politely say 'go away and get stuffed.' The only thing I can think of is completely ignoring them.

OP posts:

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