What is the correct response about his situation?

[louloutheshamed]

I was having a wobbly moment (excuse the pun) about my weight and general appearance since having my ds 18mo
Ago. I said to dh that I was fat and disgusting. And whatever he said just seemed to upset me more and more.

He started off 'you're not fat and disgusting'

Then 'what do you want me to say? That you're skinny and beautiful?'

Then 'appearances don't matter'

I mean, how hard can it be to say something vaguely flattering about your wife and mother of your child?

You're putting him in an impossible situation.
Men are factual, they (often) don't read nuances.
Next time spell it out "I want you to compliment me about my appearance and especially make it sound like I'm not fat."

You sound like me and DP. I guess what we want to hear is "You're amazing and I love you so much, your weight doesn't matter". I know it's something I've struggled with my whole life and I do bleat on a bit about it. But still. When they've held our hands through childbirth, a bit of bloody admiration wouldn't go amiss...!

Tell him what kind of things you need to hear. Honestly, I know he should spontaneously be able to tell you stuff you want to hear but lots of men have no clue what this is.

In fact, get him on here (put asking tape over your screen if you have to so he can't see your MN name...

Dear Mr Loulou...

This is what your missus wants to hear:

Loulou, your body made our beautiful children, atom by atom, and I adore every single one of those atoms for doing that. at this point, you throw your arms around her and look her, smiling, in the eye

or

Loulou, your body is so womanly and sexy, oh god, I just need to feel it next to me at this point, grab her waist and make your intentions very clear

or

Loulou, you are the most beautiful woman I ever set eyes on, and when I look at your incredible blue/brown/green/red eyes, every other woman (supermodel, film star, whatever) just turn invisible as far as I'm concerned get a bit of 'deep and meaningful gazing' practice in before hand

or

Loulou, I only ever wanted you, a real, living, beautiful woman who looks like a goddess to me. But look, if I can help YOU feel better about your body in any way - not that I care how you look as long as you're near me and feeling good - then here's my credit card/a free spa weekend/a couple of nights in the city with your girlfriends shopping for feelgood clothes/a pair of fuck-me shoes to put on right now...

And Mr Loulou, it really doesn't matter if these things don't come naturally right now: just get a bit of practice in at least once/twice/seven times a week and it will soon feel very natural

Any help?

MASKING tape...

Haha yes any of those would have done the trick!!

Takes one to know one

'You're lovely and I love you very much' is the best response. BTW it's not compulsory to be thin and the slimming industry is a big con; if you want to get fit ie eat healthy foods and exercise then go ahead, but don't fret about size.

I had a candlelit meal with DH once and he told me that I look beautiful in the dark!!!

I once took a BBC brain quiz; I came out as incredibly male brained. So I kind of get them.

He heard you asking for factual information.
You were actually fishing for compliments.
Talking at cross purposes.
I hate the book because of the ridiculous generalisations, but it fits well for some couples: Men are from Mars & Women from Venus?

Although told I'm facially attractive at various points in my life, I have had a weight problem all of my adult life. I've been heavier than I am now but in saying that I'm heavier now than I have been in years. I hate myself every morning I get up because most of my weight is around my tummy and it just aint pretty!

I recently went on a date and the guy (not my usual type) was just so complimentary (genuinely so) that I feel better about myself. But I should have been happy with myself without this re-inforcement as I don't think we should look to other people to make ourselves feel good about ourselves but sometimes, we need a bit of external feedback to see a different perspective. I'm sure you are a bright and beautiful person and concentrate on seeing your positive points and feeling good about your life from the inside out and not the other way. xx

I hate generalising but in this case it's justified. Usually men don't get subtle hints. Thats why I never ask my DH if my bum looks big in something unless I want a really direct answer! He has learnt over the years to only comment on the good stuff (he actually likes my bum) and give me gentle hints if something doesn't suit me. And before I get roasted, I do the same :)

You didn't say what your responses were to each of his comments, but I think your DH just couldn't win in this situation.

Is this a regular thing? Because I can tell you it's bloody hard work trying to constantly reassure someone about their appearance when they're always going on about it and nothing you can say, whether that's compliments, reassurance of love or suggestions of how we can work together to make them feel better about themselves, seems to make a difference.