I'm 34 weeks pregnant.
I've had an issue for some time regarding affection, I can't seem to accept any, but especially from DH. I also find it hard to show him affection, ie kissing cuddling, anything like that - I want it, I really do but it feels so awkward and uncomfortable. Funnily enough, it's not touch in itself that is a problem, just affection. he easily touches my tummy, gives me backrubs I can accept that, but a hug is a no no.
I'm not sure when this issue started, probably prepregnancy, but it has escalated in the last few months to a point where I'm really scared. It's like I've built this protective bubble around myself and I can't let anyone in (except for my Dd). I am pretty sure that it stems from my relationship with my own mother. Don't get me wrong, she's not a bad mother, but she has some mental health problems of her own, including depression, that were present through my childhood and worsening into teenage years and our relationship suffered. It came to a head a few months ago when we had a really bad 'argument' (I posted about it at the time).
I've talked to my DH about it, I think he understands - well he says he does, but I'm fully aware this is hard for him too and yesterday we had an argument and he told me he thinks I don't love him. :( this kills me, I do love him so so much, I just can't show it. If he touches me affectionately I brush him off. His self esteem is at rock bottom, and that's my fault.
I confided in my best friend too, as I have a similar problem with her, she didn't really get it and was trying to force me to cuddle him, I don't know if it made things worse. But she keeps going on about how she is 'worried' about our relationship.
I keep thinking that this could be hugely affected by my pregnancy, and that it'll start to go away once the baby is born, (naive???) but I suddenly had a stark realisation today and I can't stop panicking about it: what on earth am I going to do when I'm in labour? I saw a program with a couple giving birth, he was holding her hand and stroking her hair and I just broke down. I so desparately want some love and affection and how am I going to get through labour without it? Also how is that going to make my DH feel if he already this I dont love him?
I'm scared about how this is affecting us, if it'll ever get better and I don't know what to do. We have had a stressful time recently with other things (a bedbug infestation that has cost us upwards of £1000 among other things) my MIL keeps telling us that she's worried about us because we bicker a lot and she thinks DH is depressed.
I can't afford counselling (hell I can barely afford to buy new baby anything). What on earth do I do? Please help.