Just not into me or being sensibly cautious?

[runtosea]

I need a wee bit of insight, as I'm close to walking away from something that could be great but might just be a pile of piss.
Background: I have massive self esteem issues stemming from a loveless and emotionally abusive marriage that ended two years ago. Since then I've had fun flings but with very inappropriate men and nothing like a proper relationship.
I met a great man a few months ago. We hit it off straight away and had dinner a few times, had each other round to our respective houses, etc. However, we didn't so much as kiss properly, just a bit of a peck on the lips. I do fancy him, and he seems to think something of me at least. He tends to go a long time without getting in touch (and I really don't like people who text all the time, but sometimes would be nice!) - a month went by at one point, until he rang out of the blue as though we had just been chatting the day before. He just says he's been busy and distracted. I find it very hard to deal with as I do find myself looking at the phone wondering if he will ring, and I really don't want to feel that I'm engineering all our encounters.
My friends say he's probably just taking things slowly, seeing how he feels and isn't ready to move forward yet. But am I just wasting my time/fooling myself that it might turn into something? We are genuinely good together and he seems to enjoy my company as much as I do his, but when I try to make a bit of a move I don't get an ounce of encouragement.
Yes, I probably am fooling myself and should walk. Sigh.

Why not ask him?

If he was desperate for a relationship with you then there would be no way he'd let a month pass by with no communication. He'd be worried about losing you in that time.
At the moment, for whatever reason, this is not going progressing beyond occasional meals out and friendship. So, no point waiting by the phone for him. Maybe he's got something huge going on in his life that is causing the distraction...don't know what that could be...but he's really not acting like he wants a relationship with you just now anyway.
You sound lovely and it is worth holding out for someone who is really into you...and will do the running...rather than pinning your hopes on a relationship that isn't really taking off.

I have asked him, he said he had various work things on the go and was travelling, and that he does really enjoy my company. But it is telling that he will not get physical - he's obviously keeping me at arms length. I fear that by "allowing" him to set this pattern of behaviour without challenging it early on, I've pretty much given him permission to do this. Damn. Preparing myself to walk away. I meet decent guys so rarely, it is NOT FAIR.

If he doesn't want a relationship just now so there is nothing you could have done about it. It wasn't your fault and you didn't 'allow' anything. He's just not putting having a relationship very high up his list of priorities at the moment for whatever reason. At least he didn't use you for sex and string you along that way. You'll meet someone who actually wants a relationship at some point, hopefully soon.

I keep saying to myself that if I was: prettier/more attractive/had lovely hair/funnier/delete as appropriate, I would be wanted. I know that is probably not true, but it feels like it is. I feel that being wanted is a closed door for me and while someone like him is happy to see me, I'm just not good enough for anything else. It is hard. :(

Aw....that's really harsh. TBH it sounds like he is at a stage of his career where he's putting loads into it and doesn't want to let himself be distracted by romance/love. A lot of guys would have taken advantage and got you into bed if they could, so shows, I think, a bit of respect for the fact that you're a nice person and good company.

I had something a bit like that with a guy a while back. There was definitely chemistry, few cheeky texts, couple of dates, kisses on cheeks and cuddling up but didn't result in anything. He has recently set up his own business and was putting all his effort into that and hardly going out/drawing breath.
I don't know whether I put him off or he just didn't have the time just then.

It sounds like there is an attraction with this guy, so it's not about being pretty/attractive/having lovely hair or being funny. He's just not in the market at the moment. Dunno why. Like I said, sounds like work from what you've written.

Sounds to me like a night in/out with friends would do you the power of good. Or some Friday night TV and a glass of . Don't need to have a man to have a good time. xx

I keep saying to myself that if I was: prettier/more attractive/had lovely hair/funnier/delete as appropriate, I would be wanted.

It's horrible to feel like that runtosea. It isn't true of course, and there's nothing you can do with someone who just gets in touch when he feels like it. There's no way you can 'be' to get his attention.

He won't move forward, ever, I doubt.

I don't much care for men who run relationships like that. They can come across as a bit selfish, because the meetings are all for their benefit There might even be some confusion in his mind as to what he wants, or even who he wants - ie, yes, he might well have more than one woman in his life, even an ex he isn't over yet.

You definitely deserve better.

Do you know much about his background?
How old is he?

I would love your own self for a change and work on rebuilding your own sense of self worth and esteem because it still seems very low.

If the relationship does not feel right then it is likely not right.

Have you received any counselling or support following the end of your abusive marriage?. If not I would seriously consider it and undo the damaging stuff that you have learnt regarding relationships. Something too like the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid may be helpful to you as well if you have not done anything like this.

Two years on from that in the great scheme of things is not a long time and I am wondering if you have actually managed to properly recover from such an abusive time (such men can and do take years to recover from). I do not think you have.

runtosea

Another thing to consider here is the thorny question of what you yourself learnt about relationships when growing up.

thanks everyone. Easy questions first. He is mid 40s. Business man/entrepreneur. Never been married but has had a few long term relationships, no kids. Wealthy background.

I myself probably do need some help, I really do hate relying on other people to bolster my sense of self, and that is what I'm doing at the moment, and I hate it. rationally I know I'm not hideous, I'm an athlete and have an athlete's body, scrub up ok when I go out, but am quite unconventional looking, so not to everyone's taste.

Relationships when growing up: parents have been married to each other for 50 years, a really strong marriage. But they didn't have much time for me, and I'm an only child. Somehow I lost the ability to have a strong sense of my own identity somewhere along the way, and this was compounded by making a few really shockingly bad mistakes, culminating in marrying and staying married to a cold, manipulative, uncaring, unloving man.

Has he actually told you that he considers himself to be in a relationship with you? He certainly seems to be behaving like someone who considers you a pleasant friend to see socially from time to time. This doesn't make him a bad person - and wanting more doesn;t make you a bad person either, it makes you a person who needs to do a bit of careful thinking and maybe get some counselling about improving your self-esteem and boundaries. You don;t need a couple-relationship, and being so desperate for one that you lock on to anyone who so much as smiles at you is unhealthy and unsafe.