I know I am being silly but I can't help myself

[Paintyourbox]

Sorry this is long....

I had my DD 8 weeks ago now, she was a wonderful "surprise" as DP and I were taking precautions but we were happy when I was pregnant- it was just a few years earlier than we would have planned.

My parents were over the moon however the ILs weren't. MIL used to email me daily asking how I was etc but this stopped as soon as I was pg. She said it "wasn't right" that we were having a child out of wedlock.

Through my pg they weren't interested, we had to call and let them know how things were going, even when we were having problems with the baby they never once picked up the phone to ask how things were. They came up to see us, uninvited, ON MY DUE DATE and I spent the whole weekend cooking, cleaning and tidying for them because they wouldn't do anything for themselves. They then criticised everything we had bought for the baby e.g. "oh I wouldn't have that colour of pram" and said we were spending way too much on baby things (actually, we bought most stuff second hand!)

Add that to the continual criticism about getting married and that it's terrible we haven't done it yet and I feel ready to snap. Now DD is born they are all of a sudden interested in her, we asked not to have any visitors in the hospital (it was quite a difficult birth) and everyone respected that apart from them. They turned up uninvited the next day and were offended when I said I was sorry but they couldn't stay at our house as when I got home with baby I wanted a few days to recover quietly and get feeding established.

Anyway they are coming for a visit today on the way back from their holiday. I don't know what time "afternoon at some point" and I have to entertain them for a few hours until DP back from work. Then we are having dinner.

My point is I am fed up of their rudeness to me, expecting me to wait on them hand and foot etc and quite frankly I can't be bothered with it. DD has colic and has screamed from 5pm until 11pm for the past week so trying to have dinner etc is going to be hell. They will still expect me to do all the running about and if she does sleep this afternoon I would rather try and have a nap myself than entertain anyone.

I am really hurt by the way they behaved during my pregnancy- silly I know but I just can't get over it right now.

I don't have in laws but if I were you I would continue my routine as if they weren't there.

Out of politeness I would offer them a drink when they arrived but that would be it and if baby does go down for a nap just go with her, tell them you are taking her up to settle her and then fall asleep together on your bed.

When DH gets in he can sort dinner whilst you feed and sooth baby through the colic hours.

You only gave birth 8 weeks ago, the visit should be about baby and you.

Your dh can phone and tell them what time to arrive. None of this wishy washy 'at some point' crap. Pick a time when he's going to be there and firmly but politely tell them. Lock the door up until that point and go to bed.

Paint - congratulations on DD!

I totally get this. I had similar-ish - when DH and I got pregnant MIL suddenly seemed to go insane. Kicked up all sorts of utter crap, including having complete hysterics and reducing DH to literal tears because we would not change our name to HER MAIDEN NAME. Then also totally disrespected our 'No visitors' rule and just arrived for a weekend just after DD was born - prematurely - and we were shocked and struggling. Am still FURIOUS when I think about it.

Even now she is only interested in DD as far as DD reflects her - like 'Oh DD has my eyes!' 'Oh, DD looks just like me and acts just like me!' 'Oh it's all about me me me me me!'

I think when you are PG and have a new baby, you are so much more vulnerable to things, especially from the family, because they are now not just about you, they are also about your precious little baby - the new and totally vulnerable member of the family, iykwim. Might help you build a bit more mental resilience if you can recognise that?

The absolute premier most important thing is to try to forget them as much as you can and don't let them ruin this precious time with your newborn. You and your baby are now most important thing in world - just for a while. Sod everything/one else.

Also - and this is slightly terrible thing to say but it helps me deal with MIL rage - you are now the mother of their grandchild. You hold the cards.

Today, can you stick to your routine as much as possible, even if that means going upstairs for three hours while you get your DD to sleep? Say 'You know where the kettle is!' And then when DH gets back say - 'So, what are we doing for dinner tonight?' and look around expectantly.

And finally - my DD now 2, and adores my MIL. My MIL still utterly shocking but I can take it now, and am very happy that she and DD have their little relationship.

Yes everything Pissy said . Offer them a cuppa or whatever their drink of choice is then that'd be it for keeping them amused. Explain that dd and you are exhausted and are having a sleep as you would usually. Don't be tempted to cook, in fact get a takeaway save the washing up. Stand firm, even if they've fallen head over heels with the new baby now is the time to set boundaries regarding their treatment of you.

If they get arsey , it's dp's job to explain how they have made you feel while you were pregnant and neither of you are prepared to accept that kind of behaviour.

Congratulations on the new baby.

Your poor thing, and your poor colicky DD! Is this visit important to your DP? If so, he can just come home early enough to host the visit and take the pressure off you. If not, then tell them that they can't visit, because your baby is miserable between 1700 and 2300 and you will be busy looking after her.

OhGood- our MILs sound very similar! Mine has decided that DD must speak her native language. She never taught DP or his brother her native language, even FIL doesn't speak it but when she turns up she will talk to DD in her native language and last time presented me with a pile of books written in said language to read to DD (they are no use to me- I don't talk her language either!!)

She's already complained that we have to have takeaway and has asked DP why we can't just take the baby out with us for dinner!!

They sound deeply irritating OP, feel for you.
I would say that having a new baby is a stressful time all round and can expose some really peculiar attitudes from family and friends.
Coming at a time when you're frazzled, sleep deprived and getting to grips with your new roles it's easy to end up with distance between you that you'll later regret.

If you can do what is necessary to keep the peace while maintaining your boundaries you'll find things easier in the long run.

Can you:
explain to your Pils that DD has colic/is under the weather, send them out to pick up a takeaway?

Have a chat over tea & biscuits then hand DD over for cuddles while you have a bath/rest?

Get DD ready to go out and ask them to take her for a walk round the block while you shower/prep dinner etc.

It's quite important to set the pattern of how things will be - you won't be waiting on them hand and foot etc - but to do so in a good natured, cheerful way.
Sometimes being in the right (which you are!) is not as important as getting the right outcome.

Best of luck, firmly refuse to do things you'll later feel resentful about. But a bit of charm and humour about it will go a long way!

Taking a colicky baby out for dinner would be so relaxing for you She has no idea! DS1 was colicky and was a nightmare.

Congratulations on your dd though

Please be strong, you'll earn more respect that way. Not that you should have to with such a young baby. They should be coming and making dinner for you. what about suggesting that?

Ah, xpost re takeaway.

Your mil sound very like my mother ! Luckily she has no sons so no poor unsuspecting daughter in law will have to cope with her!

Ah, xpost re takeaway.

Your mil sound very like my mother ! Luckily she has no sons so no poor unsuspecting daughter in law will have to cope with her!

Put down ground rules. Speak to DP about it, but in a "this is what I need to do for my sanity" way, not a "I'm asking your opinion" way! Tell them they can arrive at X o'clock, and they need to leave by Y o'clock, because you are still very tired and need to keep things calm.

Screw them if they don't like it.

Ah the joys of outlaws

Congratulations on your DD.

My ex inlaws are the same about my pregnancy and I know they will be like yours are when my baby arrives. Even though im not with the ex. Im marking my spot as want to know how to handle it.
I really hope you get the support you deserve it sounds awful

They sound like a nightmare.
In your shoes I would be polite, offer them drinks etc.. and say
"ok, you both know where the kitchen is, so if you're thirsty/hungry then please feel free to help yourselves" and "oh BTW, washing up liquid is under the sink"

Stick to whatever routines you have in place and have something ready between you and DP to say if they mention the not married topic.

Any criticism can be met with - thank you for pointing that out/mentioning that/advising me BUT this is how we have chosen to do things ((BIG SMILE ON FACE)) while biting your tongue

Don't let them stress you, good luck

Congrats on DD xx

Well we have just gotten rid of them...

DD has been screaming for near on an hour, PILs didn't manage to fetch any of their own drinks and my living room is covered in takeaway cartons!

Poor DD got massively upset as soon as MIL picked her up, MIL decided to let her scream for a while before finally giving her back- interest in DD waned as soon as the food arrived!

DP eventually got fed up of yawning and hinting it was bed time and finally said they had to go!

Managed to bite my tongue and be polite but now stressed and knackered (have managed to calm DD with boob though!)

God, Paint, my sympathies. Don't tolerate this sort of thing for years or the resentment will be unsurmountable.

Many contratluations on your lovely baby!

Blimey they're thick skinned!

You're not silly. Well done on surviving their visit with no blood spilt.

Well done paint. I laughed at the thing about the language. Are you sure your MIL is not also my MIL?

Some things you may recognise:

1. When we go up to see her (when DD was very little and I was half insane with exhaustion and she is MILES away): 'So been looking forward to having someone to look after me...' (which means - go cook dinner)

1. Whenever we see her: 'Oh, I never get a chance to see my DS.' (which means you stay here with DD, while I go out with your DH.)

etc etc etc