Divorce - WTAF am I going to do? Advice, please.

[Pinkjenny]

Am not name changing, people that know me in RL would recognise me anyway.

Dh and I have been together for 10 years, married for 8. We have two dc, ds who is 2.8 and dd who is 5. Our marriage has never been perfect, but we have coasted along, distracted by the kids etc. Dh is a relatively high earner, and I have always worked up to last December, when I was made redundant. I'm nor sure if the financials make any difference to this subject, but I am happy to provide them if I need to.

We have always had different views when it comes to money, and aspects of each of our personalities that the other dislikes. Dh is a saver, I am a spender. He is extreme, an example being that I am only 'allowed' to have the hot water on for 40 minutes a day. I irritate him with my more extravagant nature.

I think we are fundamentally different people. The physical side of our relationship has dwindled to nothing, we haven't had sex for years. He has been verbally abusive, he loves to call me fat etc, but will justify that by saying he feels rejected by me in the bedroom.

I have just been on holiday with my friends and the kids for a week, and I felt like me, for the first time in years. No one watching over me, no tension, no arguments, no undercurrent of resentment.

I came home and told him I didn't love him. He is, for some reason, completely shocked. I really expected him to agree. He has been telling me forvthe past 18 months how much he hates me and asking me what the point of the relationship is.

So, we find ourselves in a bit of a stalemate. He says he doesn't know if he loves me but he wants to try. I don't. But I am worried about the house and the kids and he just seems so sad. I could feasibly keep the house if I go back to work, which I am trying my best to do. Dh is on my back night and day asking me why I won't try and offering holidays etc.

What in the name of God can I do? I opened my mouth without a plan. I needed a plan.

Go and see a solicitor asap and talk through your options. I think a divorce based on unreasonable behaviour would be justified quite easily.

He can't make you try and work things out. You don't love him and you've made your decision. A relationship requires two people who want to be in it.

Are you afraid of him? It might be worth phoning Women's Aid for advice. It doesn't sound like you want to stay living together or if he's going to be reasonable while you're trying to make plans.

I'm not scared of him, no. I think we could behave amicably with each other. It's just that he is being so nice and it all feels so false. And all with the 'why won't you just agree to try', it's driving me mad.

I have had some initial advice from a solicitor, who told me that remaining in the house without my own income was unlikely because of the size of our mortgage it wouldn't stack up and I would be forced to downsize. So I need to go back to work, but dh won't let things drag.

I keep wondering whether I should pretend to try and give myself some breathing space, but that seems like a fairly shitty way to behave.

Yep see a solicitor and gauge that side of things from there. Loads of us have gone through this and yet I often seem to see contradictory advice on these boards so I would go and find out for yourself

As choo said you are allowed to end the relationship without your DHs approval . speaking as someone who was left its hard but you cant make someone love you

I would say though be empathic and as kind as you can about the whole thing , even if your DH has been saying those things for ages he will still be shocked.

I dont envy you the next few months but that feeling you had on holiday will become your life

Maybe you need to tell him again then - but only once. Hammer home the point that it's over, you don't love him, nothing he does will change that and it's his fault because of his verbal abuse and it's too late to make up for it now. He should have thought about it before. And tell him that you won't discuss it again.

Lots of these abusive types do try and put on a nice guy act when you tell them it's finished - my ex did, but in his case the veneer cracked after about 4 weeks. By then I was so emotionally detached that it was quite funny to watch him pretending to be father of the year after having had no interest in DS for the previous 3 years!

Its not so much as its a shitty way to behave more whats the point ?

I had to downsize and get a job and its fine , what price happiness as they say !

Yes, at the moment I am playing for time and he knows that.

Why ? Is it just to let it all sink in a bit ? I can understand that

No, I wouldn't give him false hope. Really, it's better he knows it's over - as you're not worried about him kicking off.

I would try and get a job sorted out asap but there are worse things than downsizing - I lived with my emotionally abusive ex for a year before we could get rid of our house

But I also don't understand why he can't be honest with himself. The relationship was over ages ago, we are just existing in the same house. I don't love him, he doesn't know if he loves me, what are we actually fighting for if we try? Surely the love needs to be there as a bare minimum.

Well we have said there is no point so dont understand that post sorry

But why can't he see that?

Think about it another way. If you hadnt just had that holiday would you be in business as usual mode ie unhappily married just get on with it ?

He needs time to catch up

Different scenario but in essence the same as how my marriage ended. When XH announced it was over I went into panic mode and cant we try and fix it but after a couple of weeks realised it had to happen

You can't make him though. Just worry about yourself. You've told him and it's up to him to find a way of accepting it.

Just had him on the phone. He is very reasonable when he is at work. Perhaps all discussions should be conducted in the workplace!

Oh PJ I am sorry to see this :(

The way I see it you have 2 options - from a child who's parents divorced:

Option1 :
Stick it out, stay with M for the sake of the children and just continue to exist as house mates for the sake of the children, with resentment growing towards M for making you feel like you can't leave for fear of not being able to afford to live to the standard you would like. Resentment will also grow towards A&L because you only stayed with there Dad for them. Run the risk of either of you staying and seeking comfort with another. The divorce and hating each other wishing you had divorced sooner.

Option2:
Go your separate ways, be happier apart and have the chance to remain friends. The children are small enough to adjust quickly. You have an amazing Mum who will support you as she always has. This option does mean you will have to move and go back to work, but if that's the price you have to pay to be happy then i think it is a fairly small one.

I know we haven't spoken for a while (i am sad about this), but you know you can call whenever you want and I will be your ear.

Lots of love xxxx

Apologies for the spellings!

Bumping a bit. Still the same here. He keeps sending me emails that list all the things he thinks we need to do and reminding me of what it was like when we first started dating. How does this help????