Manipulative MIL - Argh!! Help!!

[BloodBoiling]

Hiya....gonna try and keep what is a VERY long story short.

Background - Been with DP for 8 years, lived together for 7 years, engaged for 4 years. He has a 11 yr old son (he's like a son to me too - biological mother rarely in his life).

MIL has always been manipulative and controlling towards all her family and friends, but in recent months its getting worse and more destructive.

The straw that broke the camels back this time was this....DP's paternal side of family were coming over from another country where DP was born for a family wedding. When DP was younger, he spent a lot of time with his other relatives, esp his paternal grandmother, where he more or less lived with her for a few years.

Anyway, as we weren't invited to wedding, MIL was furious (this is MIL ex-husbands family she is objecting and angry towards....been divorced for over 15 years). We weren't bothered about not going to wedding as DP hardly knows the people getting married! But we had arranged to meet up with other family member day after, inc his grandmother who is very frail and DP was worried that this could be the last chance he gets to see her (and also first time that her and our DS would meet).

In a phone conversation between DP and MIL a few days before family meet-up, she said "If you go and see them, it will show me how far down the list of people I am to you". She continued "You have to pick a side, my side or their side".
DP was furious. Told her she was manipulating and using emotional blackmail which she took great offence at. She said that she was ending the phone call and hung up (DP managed to get a "I love you Mum" in before she did)....and that's it. Haven't heard from her since, that was about 2 weeks ago.

However, she wants to have contact with DS (for some reason, she won't talk to me either!). She sent a message via one of DPs brothers asking DS to phone her. DP told brother she can contact us, rather than going through someone else. So, she phoned. DP answered, she only asked to speak to DS then hung up at the end.

Up until yesterday that's continued to happen. She'll only talk to DS then hang up straight away. However, in yesterdays conversation, she asked DS if he'd like to go over to hers at the weekend! I told him we're going out (true), so she said about going ovr tomorrow!

We're his parents! Ask us if it's ok! She's never done this, her rule is "I'm grandmother, I have a right to see my grandchildren and I'll see them when I want".....I've actually heard her say this a few times.

Yes, shes grandmother. Yes, she has a right to see her grandchildren...but not when she behaves like this.

She thinks she can manipulate and control her son, give us both the silent treatment (all because DP wanted to see his family!)....and she still wants to get things her way by seeing DS? No! All he does when he's around hers is play 24/7 on Xbox...no joke. And we found out via DS that the first thing she always says to him when he goes round is "what have they been saying about me?" (she used to do this with DP when he was little too).

There's more examples and it's not just happening to DP but to his brothers too.

What can we do?! (Sorry this is so long)

I'd point out that she feels she has a right to a relationship with her DGS that has nothing to do with her son, but doesn't feel that her ex-MIL has a similar right to a relationship with her DGS, regardless of his mother's feelings.

I'd refuse to let DGS go tomorrow, get DP call her and say he's not coming over. (He should get that in before she hangs up, or send it as a text).

But generally, when someone is trying to throw their weight around to get their own way, it's best to not let them, she thinks she's the one in charge, she's not. She can only manipulate you if you let her. So she does'nt get to see DS without you there. If that means she doesn't see DS, that's her choice. I don't see that a grandparent who is rude about his parents is particularly good for DS anyway.

Thanks DontmindifIdo. To be honest, read your first paragraph a few times and not sure I understand, but brain is a bit frazzled at the mo!

We're not letting DS go over and he isn't bothered. DP doesn't want to talk to his mum until he gets an apology. He sent a text to his brother, who MIL said was going to collect DS, saying that we're busy.

Ringer has also been turned off from phone.

Agree with you. She can't have her cake and eat it. All this silent treatment is continuation of the manipulation and control.

We feel that she's not the right person to be around DS at the moment, as hes young and impressionable. We don't want him to become involved. We know that she will manipulate him. If she feels she's justified to ask DP to take sides in a family, what on earth could say (or have said in the past) to DS?

She's made her bed, she needs to lie in it.

She's now phoned about 5 times in the last 4 hours.

Hate living like this. I'm not one for arguments or disagreements.

Well your MIL says that, as grandmother, she can see DS whenever, regardless of you and your DH. Surely the same goes for DH's grandmother-she can see DH whenever, regardless of MIL? That's what dontmind is getting at?

I think it would be a bad idea for DS to be anywhere near his GM while she is behaving like this. Ignore her until she calms down.

Cut her out of your life till she grows up

She sounds awful and arrogant and presumptuous a d controlling.

The best way to deal with people like that is to ignore them and never ever give in to their demands.

Agree, ignore and ignore some more, rise above it, she will see your DSS with you or DH there, if she doesn't wish to talk to you, fine, that's her choice, but she will not be making any arrangements with anyone else to see you DSS, only you two - repeat, calmly, until the message gets through.........................................

Eldritch, that's it! She doesn't see that if she has a right to a relationship with her grandson regardless of what his parents (you & DP think), then your DP's grandmother (her former MIL) has a right to a relationship with her grandson (your DP) regardless of what his parent (your MIL) thinks.

I'd answer the phone, tell her that if she needs to apologise to her son. Then hang up on her. (Don't really, that's just sinking to her level). But you shouldn't let her see DS without one of you there so that you can end the visit if she starts slagging you off, no child needs to hear that. She can arrange whomever she wants to come round to collect him, you can say no to them too. Eventually she'll get the message she doesn't get to control this situation. It's hard being 'controlling' back at someone like this if it's not your normal way of behaving, but if it's the only way to get the message through, then you'l have to do it.

Thank you all so much for your replies. You've given me reassurance that we're doing the right thing. Guess feeling guilty is also part of the manipulation!

Thanks everyone for your support.