now i wont cope

[whyislifeunfair]

Don?t know why I am posting really, have posted before previously and have some lovely support.
Briefly DP of 25 years left me as he could not cope with my depression following the loss of our DS at 19
A work colleague 16 years his junior, helped him through I found out about their affair , we had a most awful acrimonious split and he stayed with her.
I then had another breakdown. I had just started to pull my self together after loss of DS and his affair just broke me apart again.
We are now on just about polite terms, I try being friendly be he is so cold
My younger DS has got a uni place this morning and I am so so pleased for him.
BUT for me now, from having a happy normal family life with 2 DC and a partner the reality is from September I will be coming home to a totally empty quiet house and I am not sure I will cope
I have had counseling since loosing DS , then again over affair and split but nothing changes the fact there is no sign at all of the life I had and loved 5 years ago and the unfairness that I have lost my partner because he could not cope with me not being able to cope with loss of DS
OW in my opinion has taken advantage of a grieving family, she does not like EP having any contact with me,
Our eldest DS d--- 6 weeks after starting uni and so I am extra worried and I have to face that OW will be comforting EP whilst I am struggling on my own
Life is so f- unfair

it's probably of no consolation to you, but i bet your ex is cold towards you due to guilt. i am so very, very sorry for you and wish i had advice that could make the pain disappear. lots of love

Hey, couldn't read and not post a reply.

You sound incredibly down still, and i think that's the first thing you should tackle. Depression is an illness, a symptom of which is viewing everything so negatively.

So please speak to your doctor and persevere with getting the correct meds or doasge first of all.

As an outsider looking in, I can see many positives to your situation - namely freedom being the top one.

You will have freedom to rediscover yourself, travel, treat yourself, meet new people, do things you are passionate about and find new passions - all without the ties of kids or partner.

Hopefully with the right support from your GP you will be able to see the positives too and be able to look to the future and build yourself a much happier life

Leave the past behind now, focusing on that and all the unfairness re: your ex will only keep dragging you down

Oh OP my heart goes out to you

I also think your ex is probably cold due to guilt.

Sending you a mountain love love too x

Take the time from September to fouce on you and your needs. Take the time to get better.

You are still needed by your son and you will have a dil and grandchildren in the future. You still have a family that love and need you.

Think of the time as respite to get back to you. To build a stronger you.

Its hard but it will get easier i hope. If you need to talk then post here.

Im sorry for your lose

Thank you
but since loosing DS i have become very reclusive, find it difficult to go out and see his friends or people of his age getting on with life, so the obvious things such as going out, treating yourseld etc actually upset me,
Most bereaved parents also know that the reality is the majority of your friends drop you like a hot cake, so that means a few excellent friends have helped through loss and split
i do to a certain extent see how hard it must have been for EP coming home to my face everynight and the fact that i could not socialise.My only passion has been my youngest DS and i have probably over relied on him emotionally which is not fair for him
i just dont know what i will do with myself

OP you sound like a lovely person. Losing a child is the single most awful thing that can happen in life- my heart goes out to you. You sound very unselfish and a wonderful mum - you are pleased for your son going away (despite your worry about what happened to your DS1 at uni) and have obviously not guilted him into staying to support you - what a brave and strong thing to do.

I would go and see a GP who you feel you trust to see if they can offer help with mild medication or counselling. I know you have had counselling before but for me further down the line (from losing DC) it was more important to have counselling that helped me move on with my life (rather than dwelling on the past or what should have been). I became very isolated and worked with a counsellor (private) to make lists and then action plans with small steps to start building a life for myself (Zumba classes, walk each day, talk to 2 people per day etc).

You definetly need support leading up to and for the first term of your son starting uni- please see the GP and keep the Samaritans number close by if you ever need a listening ear.

I am deeply sorry for the tragic loss of your beloved ds.

You've been given such a heavy cross to bear and I'm also extremely sorry that you are having to bear it's weight alone.

Your life has changed immeasurably and it's entirely natural that you feel unable to take pleasure in those things you once enjoyed doing, and that it would somehow be wrong for you to do so.

There's not much point in me saying 'be kind to yourself', honey, because at the present time your grief is such that you don't feel deserving of any reward, but I hope you can take some comfort from knowing that, while time will not heal, in time you will reach a point where you will begin to look outward again, albeit fleetingly at first.

You are going to be severely put to the test in a few weeks' time and it's inevitable that you will feel distraught until your youngest ds returns home safely for weekends and/or vacations.

It's imperative that you put some coping mechanisms in place to get you through what will be another harrowing ordeal made worse by fear of history repeating itself, and I would suggest that you seek more counselling as a matter of urgency and ask your GP to prescribe whatever is necessary to alleviate some small portion of your pain.

Have you posted on the Bereavement board which is in the Body and Soul section of this site? You'll find many there who have suffered, and are suffering, the enormity of losing a child and I hope they may be able to provide the comfort and reassurance you so desperately need to get you through the coming months.

OP I have no words of wisdom, except I'm so sorry for the loss of your child. How anyone even attempts to rebuild their life after something like that takes enormous courage and spirit ((Hugs))

This is one of the saddest threads I've seen here. I feel for you so much. I've heard that many marriages break up after the loss of a child and I think it's typical for some men to act cold when they are feeling guilty.

I'm glad for your younger son that he's got into university. You must be so proud of him. Of course you're terrified because of what happened to your elder son and I think you'll need some help over the next few months.

Please think about seeing your doctor again. You really do need help to cope with this - any of us would.

I'm glad you have good friends. Do you work? Do you have any kind of interests from now or in the past that you would like to take up?

I am sorry for your loss.

There is a book called 'The Knitting Circle' which is about loss and hope, which your OP reminded me of.

I hope you find some peace

OP (speaking as someone who suffers bouts of depression and whose mother has had manaic depression her whole life, you must have been doing something right because your DS is now going to uni, he doesn't feel he needs to hang back to look after you, he has been made to feel free to enjoy his life and now you need to offer yourself the same kindness.

Depression is a horrible disease and has so many sub-categories (ie. addiction to food/alcohol/drugs) or the tendency to not care for your body and mind leading to a lack of energy and poor health.

It is easy to see how you haven't wanted to socialise you have taken such a big knock from life it's easy to lose heart/confidence/faith.

Do you have any contact with other bereaved parents? Have you tried therapy?
I wish you so much luck in breaking through these rain clouds (they appear permanent but the sun is just behind them) I hate to think of you suffering and well done for 'talking on here theres a wealth of wisdom from mumsnetters around the corner.

Have you been on the Bereavement thread, OP? It's in the Body and Soul section.

Agree with all of the above.
Empty Nest can hit people hard.
You could try having ready in place,in October,a short term goal,a medium term goal,and a long term goal.Or more than one.And write them down so you dont forget them,especially on the most upsetting days.Hope this helps.
And good luck to your DS on starting his Uni course.

OP, I have no wise words. I am so very sorry for your loss. My brother died 10 years ago today actually - he was 21 and I have seen my mother consumed by grief and the pain of our loss. My father pretends he never existed. I just wanted to say, even if its one day at a time, one hour at a time, you will find a way to cope be it counselling, medication, yoga, anything that helps you, its different for everyone.

You have come through such a lot already and that takes a great deal of courage and resilience. You sound like a very brave lady and a lovely mum. My mum looks back at what life used to be like and I have to remind her that its not over yet, its just changed course a little. Take care of yourself. More un-mumsnetty ((Hugs))

Another possible practical idea.Would it help you at all if someone stayed with you for say the first couple of weeks?

How is your younger son coping, OP? He too has suffered the loss of his brother and then his father too. Does he have contact with his father?

Are you and he able to work out some way of keeping in touch when he's away, so that he gets the freedom any teenager wants but manages to reassure you that he's safe?

Thank you all so much for your lovely responses and some very good advice. My counseling ended last week as they felt they had gone as far as they could with me and in a way they are right, it is 5 years since lost of eldest DS, 18 months since separation .i think having someone to stay for the first few nights is a really good idea and I know my sister would if I asked her, in a way I am too terrified to even think towards the day he leaves for uni.
He has a long term health condition and at 18 years is classed as a long term survivor, so I have always mollycoddled him a little, then when he lost his brother in the haze I recall him saying it should have been him
He has then watched me fall apart twice, seen his father leave for another women and yet he is the most wonderful thoughtful and amazing young man ever
EP has never once mentioned OW to him, he obviously knows due to all hell breaking loose when I found out about her, never had the courage to say this is whats happened and why. Apparently him and his dad talk about football cars etc but EP never once addressed the issue of his affair
I am working my notice in current job as a nurse but done 9-5 nursing since ds?s were babies, changing to unsocial hours so I don?t have to come home every day at same time and have the whole evening staring into space
Thank you again for your support

this is so sad op. my heart really goes out to you. i don't think you ever get over the loss of a close one; you just find ways of living with it. your es will always be in your heart. try and be proud of yourself, because at a time of deep sorrow and loss, you have raised another lovely lad, who is equipped to go to uni. of course you will miss him, but you have given him unconditional love and the strength to fly off. and he will be back - full of stories and bags of dirty washing. the other issue is dealing with your marriage breakup. this too is a bereavement, and i so feel for you, having to carry this burden. i think your ex simply couldn't deal with reality, so took the easy way out. this has left you alone to grieve and pick up the pieces. get as much support as you can, and please go really easy on yourself. use this time to lean on any one you can, and to heal. this too will pass. x