Should we cut out Sil?

[Betterthedrivelyouknow]

Bit of a long one this.

My Sil has a long and frustrating history of causing conflict within her family. All arguments and fallings out within my husbands family have centered around her (approx 2 or 3 incidents a year for the past 13 years I've been married).

At the moment she is estranged from her sister and mother, but has regular contact with us and her father.

She has mental health issues (which she acknowledges and is receiving counselling for) that stem from her childhood which she believes to have been abusive and neglectful. Social services did monitor her for a while, though no action was taken, and throughout her childhood her mother sought help from various agencies as she found it difficult to cope with her.

THere is massive history of things she's said and done and I won't bore you all with it (plus it depresses me to realise how long she/we have been going round and round in this situation).

We have good relationships with all members of the family and have made it clear that we won't get involved with any sniping or fighting.

In a recent hostlie exchange between Sil and her mother, she deliberately used some information she had about my husband to score points against her mother and undermine my husbands relationship with his DM. E.g ' x didn't even tell you x because he doesn't trust/value/ confide in you'. This information is extremely personal and sensitive and my husband did not want it to become widely known.

I'm hopping mad that she's betrayed DH to score petty points. Husband is sad and worn down by the whole situation.

Sil is blithely carrying on as though she's done nothing wrong and just sent me a message asking how I am. She is very good at rewriting history, her accounts of events always paint her as the reasonable party and omit anything she cannot spin (eg she recently physically assaulted her mother in an argument and totally glossed over it in her account of that incident).

A few days have passed since this incident, so by now she will have replayed it in her mind and convinced herself she was justified and correct. DH and I have not yet responded and have resisted the urge to reply with some home truths!

So, what to do? I would be more than happy to cut contact and so would my DH. Although we have to date maintained a reasonable relationship, It's not been a natural relaxed one as we're constantly wondering when the next 'episode' will occur. However, and this is the biggy for me, our son loves his cousin and would be really sad if he couldn't see him.

Any advice/ experience of similar situations would be appreciated.

Do you live near SIL and see her often? If you don't i'd problem carry on as you are and continue to make it clear that you don't want to get involved in any of the arguments with anyone else.

I think your DH also needs to talk to SIL (i'm assuming shes his sister) and make it clear how upset he is about her blurting out something told ion condifence.

My mum has very similar issues and it is so wearing as she does the same as your SIL and convinces herself something happened in a certain way when it didn't. I think if your SIL has no remorse for how much shes hurt your DH then maybe after 13 years (wow that is a long time!) it is time to slowly start reducing how much you see her until you get to a point you're happy with or you've cut her out completly.

Its hard with kids involved. I guess you have to weigh up if its best for your DS to be exposed to this situation and still see his cousin and risk it effecting him too.

Yes, we do live nearby.
DH will be phoning her tonight, he wanted to take some time to consider his response so we've been talking it through. I agree it's best that any response comes from him.

I'm finding it really hard to understand her mental issues. I was brought up in a no nonsense northern family who were very much of the pick-yourself-up-and-get-on-with-it school and I'm lucky not to have experienced depression or mental illness myself. I just wish she'd embrace the good things in her life and move on, but she seems to enjoy wallowing in it, going for endless rounds of counselling and droning on for hours to anyone who will listen (including new aquaintences) about how hard done by she is.

I suppose the question is, do her mental health issues excuse her behaviour? To me, her actions seem deliberate, calculated and spiteful.

Don't wish to offend anyone with MH issues, if anyone can help me understand why she behaves like this I'd be grateful!

I think DH should have the final say on this, as they are his blood relations.

But before making any decision, or in parallel with decisions about her, perhaps you need to explore why he told someone you describe as so unreliable your deep private matters and if he is in the habit of telling others too. You might find that if he thinks a bit more about what he is doing, there is a way forward without the drama of a severance.

Thats what i'm struggling to come to terms with re my own mum. Maybe I don't fully understand MH either but I can't see how being depressed should mean you are excused from making other peoples lives a misery.

It does sound like she is aware what she is doing and gets a response from doing it so she will keep going. Some people thrive on conflict and you SIL sounds like this.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Hopefuly someone else can give you better advice. It does seem a shame that your DS and your nephew are going to be the ones that suffer as a result of her behaviour.

Very difficult situation this, she's not going to improve and trying to cut her out brings its own problems as you've mentioned. I think a short text reply to the tune of, 'You were wrong to tell your Mum about our private situation and we are very upset about it.' She will come back with all sorts of excuses that make no sense, such as 'I didn't know it was a secret' or my particular favourite 'Why shouldn't I?' Don't get into an argument, just keep sending the exact same text as a reply to everything. Eventually, she may get the message that however she feels about it or trys to spin it, you will not be persuaded that what she did was somehow okay. In my experience, if you continually respond in a consistent way to such events, things become slightly more bearable. The worst thing to do is get into an argument and start bringing up other stuff that you're unhappy about. She can't handle it and will almost kill you with nonesense to keep the critiscism at bay and you will be drawn in to challanging her on every randomn ridiculous claim she makes untill all focus is completely lost. If you want to take her to task, one issue at a time and don't let her change the subject or go off at a tangent or try to minimise. The best tactic for that is the repeated text message. Eventually, she may get it that you are a bit harder to bullshit than other people and start to back off a little. Just an idea though, best of luck.

We were in a similar position with my SIL. Although she doesn't have MH issues, she is always bleating on about her so-called miserable childhood. Miserable because her parents wouldn't buy her designer clothes (no, I'm not joking).

She caused a lot of problems for us. DH and I nearly split up over it many times. We tried so hard with her. But in the end, we had to completely cut all ties with her. We gave her so many chances, "please just apologise and we'll all move on", but she just refused.

The sad thing is that she has since had a baby, and we are also about to have a baby. It is very unlikely that they (the DC) will ever meet. That - to me - is so, so sad.

Sorry, no advice to give. Except to say that - although it is sad - we have absolutely no regrets about cutting ties with SIL.

Beat- those excuses sound very familiar! I'm sure we'll get those after she's first tried to brazen it out with 'oops, me and my big mouth' etc.

Edith- you are right, we definitely should've learnt by now that she's not to be trusted. Outside of these incidents she appears a rational and 'normal' person, so I understand why DH may have felt it safe to confide. He won't be making that mistake again!

Lulu- good luck with your mum!