How do you survive separation?

[duffybeatmetoit]

Been through the mill with DH over the last 18mths. An affair (his), redundancy (his), working away (him). I've been keeping everything going mainly due to my feelings for him. It's not been easy and at times I have wanted to walk away but at the end of the day I've felt that there was something good to be salvaged.

Him working away has not been easy, our 4 yr old has needed a fair amount of emotional support. He has now told me that our marriage is over.

I'm struggling on so many counts. Trying to keep things stable for DD, distraught that he has walked away without talking to me, torn between not wanting to see him but wanting answers, worrying about access, finances.

He's only said that I don't deserve him and his head is all over the place. His mother says that it's over and I should move on.

How do you find the strength to get through it? I feel as if I should be really tough but when it comes down to it I don't want to risk doing something that might jeopardise any potential reconciliation. My self esteem is sinking rapidly.

He hasn't mentioned anything about divorce, and he and his family are wanting me to continue to be at family events. I just don't understand, that just seems like rubbing my nose in it.

Sorry this has been a rant

duffy, you survive it because it's better than the alternative. i didn't want my husband to leave us after 18 plus years of marriage. i put up with more than i should have because like you i thought there was something to hang in there for, 3 kids and a lot of history for starters. but it was horrible, just lousy trying so hard to make it work when it was clear he didn't want the same as me any more. i felt a lot of relief as well as sadness when he left, because i could be myself again, and the practical stuff kept me busy. i filed for divorce quite quickly because i realised i could manage on my own, and the time apart made me step back and see clearly that i could never forgive his coldness and cruelty. sorry you are going through this, but you will be ok, you're like lots of us i imagine, much stronger than you think.

Be yourself, absolutely true to YOU. Be as lazy as possible and take good care of yourself for the next few months. Get separation counselling if you can, for support (so glad I did, managed to get it free too - relate should be able to help). Give yourself time, you want answers and everything sorted quickly - but the practicalities can take time and that's ok, don't worry about achieving too much just yet.

Visualise how you want things to be for you and your dc. Give yourself time to grieve the good times.

You'll get there, and life will be better than you ever knew possible. You'll find a strength and peace you never knew.

I never thought this was possible, but it is! Strap yourself in for a bumpy ride but know there's a positive future for you and dd.

Agree that aloha has said the way to do and just think OP you won't have to run rings round yourself anymore catering for a self centred person who thinks the earth revolves around "him".

"do" - go of course.

Thanks everyone. Have been packing up his stuff tonight, including the cards he sent me full of crap about how much he loved me.

He has yet to talk to me and I can't see it happening any time soon. MIL pushing to come to see DD although he isn't. There is a big family event on his side in a month's time (over 3hr drive away) and I don't know what to do about it. They are all expecting me to go and take dd. I know I don't want to go but am torn about my dd. The grownup side of me says that she should go but the hurt side doesn't want her to when there have been no attempts to discuss contact or set up any financial arrangements to support her. I can't afford the petrol/hotel to take her and I'm worried that they might want her to stay with them permanently if they get her.

If you can't afford to go and have the feeling you will be rail roaded etc. by attending then sweetheart until things are more settled then don't. Do something else nice with her instead, she's only 4.