i want him to feel remorse and guilt at his behaviour, but he never will

[lulubellaboozle]

I am splitting up from my DH, a couple of months ago after weeks of out of character behaviour and his constant angry denials that he wasn't having an affair, I found text messages (she is 29 and he is 49), he still maintains that he hasn't been unfaithful, as it was an "emotional friendship" which only turned sexual after he had told me our marriage was over! WTF! how convenient. My main issue now, is his ongoing behaviour, the lies, the emotional abuse and the complete lack of remorse for the impact of his behaviour. He constantly threatens to withold money if i do or say anything he doesn't like. He belittles me and talks to me like a child. My children, his step-children are of no interest to him now, although he was with them for 9 years, he ignores their pain.

I keep telling myself I am better off out of it, he is a scumbag and I deserve better but yet again he still has the capacity to hurt me. Having told me that he is struggling with money and getting to take on extra bills, I have just found out that he is infact off on holiday to spain for a week with his own 12 year old daughter - he told me he was going to stay at his mums for a week to give us some breathing space and he is due to move out of the marital home at the end of the month anyway into a flat. This will be the same day I am taking one of my family dogs back to the rescue centre I got her from 6 months ago as i can't cope with 2 dogs on my own. My kids are devastated, crying their eyes out (they are 14 and 12) at the thought of losing their family pet. But it is the right decision however hard it is to make. I told my DH, what was happening and he said "so why are you telling me this?".

sorry this is so long, we are the third family, he has walked out on, so I guess I should have heeded the warning signs but I was in love and believed his stories of his past - of course, he was always the victim of scheming mad former wives!!

I know he will never take responsibility for the hurt and pain he causes but I feel I can't move on without him acknowledging or taking responsibility for what he is doing.

Someone once told me that the best punishment for a person who has an affair with someone's spouse is to have to keep them afterwards... Wise words I feel. How long is this person going to want him? It's a large age gap and a big gamble.
I don't think his remorse makes any difference tbh, it's how you deal with it that counts. I don't think getting rid of your dog is going to solve any of your problems, they're a lot like children - once you have one, another doesn't make such a big difference. It isn't going to hurt him if you do that, but it is hurting your children who are already suffering from the break up. So take a deep breath and really think it through before you do this.
My ex was a total ass. He tried to control me after the break up etc, but the best revenge you can have on them is to become completely independent and move on to better things without them.
Good luck OP, and don't take him back when she dumps him..

Absolutely no way would i ever have him back. The dog going is the right decision. I already have one large dog and can't cope with two, especially a puppy. Financially, as well I just can't manage 2 lots of insurance, food, vets bills etc. The kids do understand but I just hate his lack of compassion or concern for their suffering through the whole situation.

Hi there . I know how you feel, I used the same words to my STBXH - you don't appear to have one shred of guilt or remorse about what you have done to me"

I have very recently accepted that its never going to happen as he doesn't think he has done anything wrong.

It's very difficult to move on when you still want answers.

You poor thing; what a shit he is. The good thing is he is not really your problem now. Why wait until the end of the month? Can't you just pack up his stuff and tell him to take it away?

Have you seen a solicitor about division of assets? Is your home yours, or does he have an interest in it?

I totally feel the same as you about my ex - sadly they will not feel remorse or guilt, because if they did they would then have to admit that their behaviour had been so utterly appalling, and they could never do that could they, as in their mind's eye they are a poor misunderstood man who just fell out of love and happened to meet someone new.

I am sorry you feel so awful - you will be fine, keep on going and I would advise you don't engage with him at all about anything on any level. Don't expect him to help you or advise you about anything either - he has moved on to his new life, and as my charming ex said my broken down car, his dog, the broken washing machine, etc are all 'not his problem' any more. So draw on your friends and family for help and to lean on, and keep well away from him.

Unfortunately you will never get "truthful" answers/apologies from self centred, entitled arses like this. You will just be filed away as the latest soon to be "mad" ex wife. It's how they operate.

He will never feel remorse. I want my exH to feel remorse and he doesn't. Like everyone else has said they are incapable of feeling remorse. They some how justify every thing they do and pass the blame on to us. In their minds we are the guilty party: we didn't love them enough, have enough sex with them, spent all our time with the children not them. They can come up with every excuse in the book why the marriage breakdown is our fault and not theirs.

Ah but ladies, he is 49. Silly bastard, he wont change his personality but he wont have fun in a few more years, will he, after any remaining attraction he holds for unsuspecting women disappears.

Five I like your thinking. My ex (51) left me for a cheap *** 15 years his junior. I will have the satisfaction one day when she at age 45 (the age I was when he left) roles over in bed with a 60 year old man. He isn't wearing well and have heard from the grapevine that he has tried dying his grey hair and dressing much younger. Apparently he was laughed out of his office.