im sinking....please tell me it'll get better

[iknowicandothis]

Hi, im 37, going through a divorce, been married 16 years, and have two children aged 10 and 6. My ex was, and is still, awful. So, I moved out of the family home with the girls and then, about five months ago, started seeing this guy. He was lovely, everything I've ever wanted and I am ashamed to say that I really fell for him.

He is three years separated from his ex and has children too. His separation was quick and very painful (ex-wife cheated). Now he is behaving strangely, and its obvious that he doesnt want to be with me (not texting/not ringing etc) I'm crushed. And I dont know what to do with myself. I feel so empty and used inside but have to put on a brave face for my girls, and at work.

I dont know... I just feel so alone, and scared that I'll never find happiness, hate the empty evenings and feel so angry at myself for letting a guy make me feel this way. I have a good job, a few friends, health and of course my two lovely children but I feel desolate.

if you got this far, I thank you. Someone please slap me! I need to know how to get through this, because I married my second ever boyfriend and I've never been through this before. Am embarrassed at how utterly pathetic I am...

Poor poor you. If I were in your position, I would concentrate on the divorce and building your own life. Never mind a man who is behaving strangely. I know it's easier to say than do but, as a single mother, you need to be strong not vulnerable.

no slap, just a hug. It will get better, try to relish being you, the strong capable woman and mother who had the guts to get out and start a new life.

Your nickname says it all. You CAN do this. Forget him, if he wants to be a silly bugger then let him. Don't text him and don't ring him. Concentrate on what you want to make you happy (not men, all the other components). Make use of your evenings with your children, a hobby, an evening class, mumsnet etc. Do all the things that YOU want to do, maybe things you didn't do because you were married etc. You will suddenly find that you don't miss having a man around, and you will feel happier in yourself. That's the kind of time when the right man will come along. HTH

thank you NKF, you are totally right and thats whats bothering me so much. I know this guy is behaving badly, but at the start and until just recently things were so good. His ex-wife has found out that he is seeing someone and is giving him hell, making things hard with access to the children etc. Perhaps thats why he's just changed?

you are very vulnerable! i did the same thing - with the guy just vapourising, and it DID get better, i promise. ease up on yourself!

delilahlilah and foolonthehill thank you for your kind words. He's only a guy, right? just thinking about my future though...will it always be this hard? why am I so scared to be alone? All my friends are happy, settled, with tiny children and I feel I'm starting again, alone.

thatstripedthing - I hadn't realised I was vulnerable tbh, thought I was doing the right thing in leaving my ex (slept with my friend...friend ha!) and keeping it together for the kids sake. I think all my deep set insecurities have been let out by this man, how low in confidence I really am etc, and thats what im struggling with. I will not phone him or text him...will have to tape my hands together to stop myself though

Ah, you may think of yourself as being alone or you can think that you can eat what you like, you don't have to make a 'proper' meal just coz you feel you should for your dp! You have control of the remote, you can have a pyjama day and slob out on the sofa, you don't have to worry about shaving legs etc, you have much more freedom and SLEEP than those of us with small children!! Look on the bright side OP, this isn't a forever thing, it is just for now. Make the most of it Give it a few months and you'll wonder why you felt like this (as you poke a new and improved snoring DP keeping you awake at 3am....)

appreciate that delilahlilah, and fingers crossed x

Oh look, we have all done this. I jumped from one relationship - a bad one- at 28 straight into another one, and lived to regret that decision. I didnt think that at 29 or 30, when we split up a couple of time, before we got married a year or two later, but it wasnt clever.

Why?

Because I had never truly learned to face that truth which I have now at 52. I DONT NEED A MAN TO BE HAPPY.

You dont either. But because you thought you did, you traded too much and jumped too quickly.

You are still getting over your divorce- maybe not the man, but the isloation you felt then, and the loss of friends and a fulfilling life which you let happen to you. People use a new man as a quick fix, but it isnt a good one. You need to have work, friends- male and female, and hopefully family connections- or more friends, and those type who are available at weekends. Also, you need interests- think creatively about what you could do eg evening volunteering at a local arts centre, a class at college in something or other which interests you.......see what I mean.

Then a man entering the picture becomes a part of your life, but you dont need him. You may love him, want him, spend loads of time with him- but if he werent there, you could cope.

This guy may have done you a favour by backing off. And if you have female children, you will have done them a favour by helping them to see early on that you can be happy for yourself.

I dont mean be isolated from people- that is bad for everyone.

Look at what's happened here.

You get knocked down by your ex & the divorce. You pick yourself up, brush yourself off & try to start again - and then get knocked over AGAIN. That's really crap, and anyone would be feeling the way you are.

You're feeling miserable, not because of the apparent loss of this particular man, but because of how this has made you feel about you. He's irrelevant, actually. He doesn't want you? Pffff...plenty more out there who will.

And there really, really are iknow, even if you can't quite bring yourself to believe this now.

Take control & remove this "gentleman" from your life as he's clearly not right for you, and never will be. The reason why you're feeling like you want to contact him, is because he's the only person who could make you feel better right now and you want to feel better. But it would be temporary and this will happen all over again in a few weeks.

There is NOTHING wrong with you, and you will not be alone forever. No way, no chance.

Eat ice cream, watch DVDs, spend time with the kids. Enjoy being single for a while.

crikeyohare and fiventhree thank you so much. Just reading back all the comments has made me feel like pehaps tonight I will sleep without crying because I deserve to. I'm a good mum, I work hard and have good friends and family, although not one is in the same boat as me. Not that I'd want them to be!

Youre right, this man is not the answer to my problems and crikeyohare said something very true in that i think i need him to feel better and this will happen again in a few weeks. How right you are. The problem is, he takes his twins to the same dance and kumon classes as me, thats how we met, and we are going to still see each other almost daily, and our kids get on well with each other....oh damn

never again!

Oh poor you. It is so hard when this happens. You can do it though. You'll be fine in a little while and you must focus on yourself and your girls.

I'm divorced (5 years ago), also have 2 DCs. Have been in a LTR which has never been quite "right" even though I really love the guy. I started another thread on this earlier (."Is this going anywhere or should i end it?") but need to update it as this evening he has been ridiculously rude and unkind (but telling me it was all my fault and, to cut a long story short, I realised that he just does not like me, never mind love me. It's over. And he was totally fine with that! I am not. Not sure what I will tell the DCs as they adore him. We've only just come back from a 2 week holiday all together!

Life can be really shitty but let's focus on making it feel safe and nurturing for our DCs while we muddle through ourselves...

oh boondoggle im sorry, I appreciate exactly how you feel, although you were much further on than me...still, my girls really liked him too and our kids got on together etc. He hasnt even contacted me. It hurts so badly that he can just switch off, ignore my calls and carry on with his life and leave mine in what feels like tatters.

bring on the recovery process! I wish I felt angry, not this hopeless pathetic sadness.

Hope you and your dcs find a happier place soon x