IABU - but have issues with my family

[Tamisara]

I did consider name-changing, but can't see the point, as I'm always recognised, so hope that no one involved reads this.

It's my DM's birthday coming up - she will be 70.

Dad told me the other day, that he's decided that my Dsis & I can host a surprise party for her... originally it was going to be family, but today it transpired that he wants a huge affair.

All fine, so I guess I'm a spoilt brat, but I'm genuninely crying over this, and don't know why. I'm just not happy about this, but love my mum dearly - I'm actually closest to her, of all three of her kids.

DB thinks we (family) should go out for a dinner, which my mum has always wanted, but dad wants a big party.

There are several reasons I'm not happy about this, but they're all pretty much petty, and silly, but I just feel uneasy.

Firstly - I have a problem with my Dsis. I love her, I really do, and when I found out DD2 had died, she was one of the first people I called. But there's always been competitiveness there. She's much bossier than me, and puts me down a lot. She pushes my parents around too, often leaving her dogs at their house, whilst she looks after other peoples. She's scary to say no to, as she has a real temper.

I've always been insecure around her, as when I was pregnant with DS, she stripped off to her undies, to ask my then fiance, if he thought she had a good body. She is friends with an ex BF of mine, and told me that he confessed to always fancying her, and would have had her instead of me. She followed DH around DD1's birthday last year, saying "don't worry, I don't fancy him", not realising that I didn't care if she did, I just didn't want him to fancy her. I feel inferior to her.

Secondly - My dad wants me to cook (presumably to buy the food too). I could stretch to a small family tea, but cooking for a large party I can not afford, and even if dad gave me some money, I'm not really interested in it anyway, nor do I have the time realistically, not with DD1 to look after, and also it would mean doing it at their house, and not being able to get ready for the party. I got very stressed doing DD1's party, and that was fairly intimate.

Thirdly - I have a problem with the guest list. There is one woman (older) who commented to my mum, when she was upset about DD2, "oh well, your daughter needn't milk it, I've had a miscarriage, it's a fact of life". I didn't have an early miscarriage (which I am sure is very upsetting), I gave birth to a dead baby. She was laid next to me, with bleeding eyes, silent, whilst the surgeon struggled to stop the bleeding from my ruptured womb. I had milk come in, I had to bury her - FFS I know if I have to spend time with this woman, I will want to punch her.

I also don't like some of the others. One man (married), was friendly to me, then it got a bit inappropriate - I went to the police with my mum, and they wanted me to press charges & wanted to have him arrested. My dad begged me not to - so my dad chose his friend over me. He said he would distance himself, but didn't. My mum doesn't like this man, and my Dbro said not to invite him, but my dad said "but he's done so much for me".

I also have a problem with timing. Obviously DD1 is so young, and will have to go to bed, so that means leaving early. Dad seems to think this isn't a problem, and that it doesn't matter if I only stay for an hour. I feel like fuck it, why should I bake cakes, and cater, then not enjoy it. I know I'm looking at it the wrong way.

Last year we had a lovely family bday for mum. I baked cakes, and was happy, in fact the very last photo of when I was happy was taken then. I was heavily pregnant & looking forward to having two little girls running around.

I have tried to talk to dad, but he just says "it's not about you".

I do feel angry at dad too. He was the only family member to see DD2, apart from DH & DD1. He now says he regrets it, as it gave him nightmares. I was talking about Gary Barlow perfomance at the Olympic closing ceremony, and he said "well I imagine he got paid well for it". I was furious, he completely missed the poignancy of it. Completely misunderstands how devastated I still am, and is rather brusque if I cry, saying I should be over the "baby" by now... ffs, her name is Tamsin.

I don't know. I used to love parties, but I know I've changed & find small talk & happy occasions difficult, and would rather a meal out with family, or a small party.

I guess I'm also slightly resentful that I hinted that I would have loved a surprise party for my 40th, but it went unheard. Then when I suggested having my own, my family couldn't make it, as they were too busy. They never even bought me a 40th birthday present - not that I care, I'm just trying to point out that I feel invisible.

I guess I'm just a selfish cow, but don't know how to change it.

Thirdly

Oops don't know what happened there :(

You are not selfish, you've been conditioned to feel like you don't matter.
Will your dh support you when you say no to hosting the party?
Tell your father you're happy to find a venue that will do the catering and entertainment (at his expense) but that it's too much for you to do.

And as for your dad supporting the slimy toad who went too far with you
I wouldn't give a flying fuck about your dad's feelings, just your Mum's.

Sorry about little Tamsin, OP.

Your dad sounds like hard work. But your DB sounds on side. Can you get him to make the case for the family meal out. You're not selfish or unreasonable, by the way. Or if your Dsis is so keen let her take it all on. Either way, you don't need this.

You need to find your inner bitch and stand up to the bullying coming from your Dad. Tell him it's too much for you to deal with and that you know your Mum would love a nice Dinner out with family. Be brave!

You know when your dad says, "It's not about you."? Just answer, "No, it's about what MUM wants, which is a quiet family dinner."
Is your Dad always so unreasonable?

So very sorry about the loss of your daughter.

What's coming across is that:
You're just not up to doing this, my god you have lost your daughter in the last year and all your dad cares about is that you organise and cater for a party and its fine for you to dissapear after an hour or so as if your actual presence doesn't matter! I'm actually angry for you. This is a time where people should be trying to cater for your needs here!
Also, even in a "normal" situation this is a man who puts his dubious friend before your feelings, and poss that of his wife; and a sister who also seems to have dubious boundaries regarding her relationship with you too. That alone would have me learning to put my foot down. I hope your dh can support you to say No quite categorically.
Use the mumsnet line of "sorry, I'm afraid that doesn't work for me" and suggest alternatives that he can choose, or not, to do and draw a line right there.
I understand you must be feeling vulnerable just now and that can stop you acting in your own best interests- which you have to try and do, you need to protect yourself just now, its not being selfish.
Sorry for typos. good luck x

Thank you all.

I had really feared that I was being out of line.

To be honest, I do believe that it is unfair, to dictate what others do. I think, honestly, that being asked my opinion on celebration ideas, would have been more appropriate/considerate. To be ordered is really unfair. I would have happily catered for a quiter, more intimate affair, but this really big party, with lots of people I really don't know at all/well, is not my kind of thing. To be honest, I don't even know if I'd go, even if DM knew about it, and organised it, herself. I don't really like these kind of occasions at the moment.

I do love my dad, and feel guilty for portraying him so harshly.

Dsis was always a daddy's girl (and I was always hideously jealous), but that did change, and I became closer to him. I was horrid to my mum though, when younger. This was mainly because my paternal grandmother told me that she didn't love me, so I felt I had no one, but my grandmother.

Now (especially since my nan died) I'm much closer to my mum. I realise that being forced into being sterilised , when having my Dbro (this was the 70s, when they did try to force women who had three caesareans) was awful for her. She tried to talk to dad about it, but he was busy counselling the young lad, who worked for him, into the early hours, so he never gave her the time, or support, she needed.

DM has always told us that dad put people outside the family before the family, and I always thought it was an awful thing to say, but I think it's true. Not that he doesn't love us, he does - fiercely, but we are 'part' of him, in a way, so doesn't need to impress us (or take our feelings into account).

My dad even had my DS's dad living with them, even though it was really acrimonious between us, and we weren't talking. He said they "needed the rent money".

I don't know. They have some friends of mine (should read used to be friends of mine) going. My parents are a religion, where they have regular ceremonies at their home. My friend was talking about it to me, and I introduced them to each other (I was going to the ceremonies at the time). What with having DD1, then quickly falling for Tamsin, and then losing her, I've not really had the time, or emotional capability to go to them. I did want to go back, but they don't really want me now. I feel so easily replaceable.

DM (bless her) has photos of Tamsin up in her house, along with the other grandchildren, and I wish she'd seen her :(

When we were going to the cemetery, shortly after Tamsin was buried, DH pointed out a girl from the local high school, wearing the shortest skirt, and said "they didn't wear that when I was at school". I thought he meant that he wished they had (though he told my mum he thought it was wrong), but when I told my dad he said "so what? I would have had a good look too". Aargh! Not what I wanted my dad to say, not when we were visiting his baby granddaughter.

Thanks all, I will have to find a way to 'grow some balls'.

"DM has always told us that dad put people outside the family before the family, and I always thought it was an awful thing to say, but I think it's true. Not that he doesn't love us, he does - fiercely, but we are 'part' of him, in a way, so doesn't need to impress us (or take our feelings into account)."

I feel out of line saying this, and apologise, but this description makes it sound like your dad doesn't see you as an actual person iyswim. there is no consideration of your views etc. You are not " part of him". Yes part of his family but not part of him. You are you, separate, with separate and valid views and feelings.
He sounds v insensitive- of course you rightly don't feel up to being in the thick of a massive party etc. You are not there just to be used to fulfil his need and then be dropped when deemed "unnecessary" or surplus to requirements.
I'm sorry if I've caused you offence but am shocked at his treatment and expectations of you!

Thanks itscurtaings you've not offended me :)

He's changed, and I'm sad about that. He used to be the most sensitive and sentimental of men, although he had a sarcastic sense of humour. Now his humour is far more catty. He's been that way since his parents died, I really think that he is a bit depressed... but I still wish he was more sensitive to me, not wanting me to be over Tamsin.

You know no one in my family (besides DH, DD1 & me) has been to Tamsin's grave, since her funeral. DM (who doesn't drive) has wanted to go, but dad doesn't take her.

Dad does love big parties, always has, always been the life & soul type. He usually has a party for his birthday - this year I'm dreading it, and know I won't be able to go. His birthday is the day after Tamsin's, so there is no way I will be up for celebrating... what saddens me beyond words is the knowledge (or at least fear) that my family won't acknowledge Tamsin's first birthday. Dad adores DD1, really adores her, and it makes me a bit sad that he has so much love for her (which is good of course), but seemingly tries to block out his second GD.

Hi Tami

You just have to be VERY firm, tell your Dad you are not up to catering or hosting or anything else. Pass on the number of some catering companies and let him and your dsis sort it out.

You sound like you have been through so much, I'm so sorry you lost your baby girl , you really don't need this added stress.

YANBU - If your Dad wants to throw your mum a surprise party then it's up to him to organise and pay for it. Send your mum a card and some flowers on her birthday then get on with your own life and trying to get o grips the terrible hurt you have been through xxx

Oh Tamisara that is so sad. (((hugs)))

Your dad sounds like he only wants to hear about the good stuff in life..to be able to disregard your baby and your feelings like that is really breathtaking. He sounds selfish - not you!

You have to just concentrate on your own little family - dh, dd and of course your memory of dd2 - and then do something you feel is appropriate to mark what would have been your baby's first birthday. You don't have to go to his party, though I imagine he will expect you to - or in fact maybe he won't care at all? But you don't have to go. His being dismissive of you absolves you of any responsbility to him and from having to pander to him.

Maybe you might consider counselling at some point to help you come to terms with this family dynamic in light of your dd's death? I mean from the point of view in case the situation with your parents starts to eat you up a bit and you need support to assert yourself and to be able to be "allowed" to grieve and make decisions about what's right for you without getting a guilt trip about it iyswim.
Take care xx

So sorry you lost your baby girl . I really hope you've has the right care for this and had a chance to talk about you'd feelings at length .

Please don't be dictated to. Don't accept anything that will make you feel bad. I wish you all the strength you need, youve had some good advice here

Tamisara, I'm so sorry to hear about little Tamsin. I lost my first baby, Thea, in March 2011, so I know what it's like.

Firstly, YANBU. Your dad is behaving like an arse. I'm sorry, but it's true. He can't just order you to throw and pay for a party. He should NEVER have said to you that seeing Tamsin gave him nightmares. He sounds completely selfish.

I don't know how long it's been since you lost Tamsin, but I remember being scared to go to the supermarket after Thea died. I felt like 'My baby died' was tattooed on my forehead and I was scared people would say something to me. Or mention babies, even in the most innocent way. Or have babies, or be pregnant...To be expected to throw a party is just ridiculous. I think you, or your DH if you don't feel up to it, should just say 'I'm sorry, but I can't.' To suggest that you organise and pay for the party when you can only go for an hour or two before having to leave to put DD1 to bed!

I'm sorry, pet, but it might just be that your family, or some of them, won't say anything to you on Tamsin's birthday. DD2 was born 4 days before Thea's birthday and I think people didn't want to upset me. My mum and stepdad, my sister (sort of) and a very few friends. Dad didn't, and nor did PIL. DH and I found that very hard to deal with. I do think that it was because they didn't know what to say rather than that they had forgotten, though.