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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

really unsure of what to do

22 replies

thatstripedthing · 15/08/2012 14:13

internet dating. it is good for so many things - and terrible for others. i recently created a second profile for myself after being stalked with the first one. a friend of mine joined the same time as me initially, and met her fella within 10 mins. blissfully loved up, and talking about moving in together soon (they have been dating roughly 4 months), and moving in togethr would mean moving away. she has two daughters, one of whom would be leaving school mid gcse's. ok, so my new profile picture is very different from the first so i would have the same stalking experience, and the loved-up boyfriend messaged me the other day not realising who i was. he has just fed me a string of bullshit about being single and not having met anyone special, yada yada yada (the whole no one understands me thing too...). shit. don't know what to do. do i confront him, do i tell her? i certainly can't let her move in (and away with him) but this will absolutely kill her and she probably would not like for telling her. what to do...

OP posts:

DozyDuck · 15/08/2012 14:27

Tell her. Its happened to me(they were messaging me as well as my friend) I told her and gave her my log in details and let her deal with it

izzyizin · 15/08/2012 14:31

O dear. This is a tricky one, isn't it?

Obviously your friend is desperately needy. She's latched on to the first guy she met and to be thinking of moving in with him after 4 months, let alone moving away and disrupting her dd's education mid-GCSE, shows just how desperate she is.

Now, what to do? Mmm. As you don't want her shooting the messenger (i.e. you), I'm wondering if there's any way you can organise it so that she happens upon his duplicity herself.

Is she what you'd call a best friend? Someone you've known for years, gone through a lot with?

Original poster

thatstripedthing · 15/08/2012 14:34

i would say i am her best friend, she has always turned to me when she needed someone - and i am very happy to do it for her. yes, she is absolutely as you describe her. she will be TOTALLY devestated and i don't want to bear the brunt of it, but if it were me i would want to know. i should have mentioned that i have suspended my membership in the meantime.

OP posts:

Callisto · 15/08/2012 14:38

You absolutely have to tell her. She is obviously loony to be even thinking about moving in with this guy (and potentially sacrificing her DD's gcse's) so she may well give you hell for telling her, but even so you just have to. I would want to know and is a so-called friend didn't tell me and I found out later that would be the end of the friendship.

teaandthorazine · 15/08/2012 14:40

Eeek. What a horrible situation. And what a wanker he is.

You need to tell her, imo. It's not fair that you should have to be the messenger but I don't see that you have too much choice. Don't rely on her 'finding out' herself. If it were me I would want to know.

(No-one should be talking about moving in after 4 months btw - especially where there are kids involved! I can't believe she's seriously thinking of uprooting her children for someone she's known for so short a time. But that's a secondary issue - she needs to know asap that this guy is not what she thinks he is.)

Lovingfreedom · 15/08/2012 14:41

Show her the messages you got and let her draw her own conclusions? Then she can decide what to do.

ImperialBlether · 15/08/2012 14:41

I found your OP hard to understand, sorry. Are you saying that your friend is considering moving away with a man who has now propositioned you?

If so, you have to tell her. You just have to. Personally I think she's a fool for sacrificing her children's welfare for the sake of a short term relationship anyway, but never minding that, she needs to know that this man is fooling around.

Perhaps together you could put together a third profile and see what happens?

AnyFucker · 15/08/2012 14:46

you must tell her

in situations where there is no tangible proof of dodginess or just rumour/conjecture, I hesitate

but this is clear cut

she has to know

she also has to learn a lesson...that upping sticks and throwing your lot in with someone who is basically a stranger is avery stupid and naive thing to do

and really makes her a crap parent (but don't tell her that bit)

wannabedomesticgoddess · 15/08/2012 14:46

You have to tell her. You really do. If she shoots the messenger she will realise in time that you arent to blame.

Keep all the correspondance between you and him. So he cant say you chased him (though why he would be still on the site should be enough for her, but she sounds a bit naive).

You have done nothing wrong so you might find yourself having to stay calm and let her rant and rave. Its a horrible situation to be in but you would feel worse if you didnt tell her. Good luck!

Original poster

thatstripedthing · 15/08/2012 14:46

i know you are all right, i have to tell her. i just know how absolutely pole-axed she will be. i was hoping to be able to orchestrate a situation where he would have to tell her but i would have to be very calculating to do that. as a side issue here, i also think she is nuts to be thinking about moving in and away with him, but i think this highlights just how she wants a relationship. i hate the tosser for doing this.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 15/08/2012 14:46

cross posted with IB

AnyFucker · 15/08/2012 14:47

yes, she will be pole axed, but that is not your fault

hopefully she will think twice next time

Canihavesomemore · 15/08/2012 14:50

Reactivate your account, message him and ask if he would like to meet. If he responds, Invite her over, pour her a drink, tell her about your new profile and u would like some thoughts on some messages u are receiving, then let her read it for herself. If u really are a friend u shouldn't consider doing anything else

teaandthorazine · 15/08/2012 14:51

Don't try and engineer situations - these things can backfire. Just tell her - show her the messages and let her see who he really is.

Hopefully, after she's calmed down from the shock, she may start to realise that she needs to be a LOT more cautious re: dating etc.

Canihavesomemore · 15/08/2012 14:51

X posted

dondon33 · 15/08/2012 14:53

TELL HER!
It's going to hurt her but you must inform her. She's about to change so much for herself and Dc for this piece of shit she really needs to know ASAP. Imagine how you would feel if in a few months after she's moved away, uprooted her DC, then she finds out.
Show her the messages, maybe she will want you to engage further with this dick to see how far he will go. Personally, if I were her I'd get you to arrange to meet him and I'd be waiting for him to create earrings from his balls confront him.
Not a nice job you have to do OP, hope she's ok.

izzyizin · 15/08/2012 14:54

After you've told her, get her to post here so that she's not tempted to believe all the old flannel he'll be giving her about him trying to catch you out/play a joke on you or some such crap.

Original poster

thatstripedthing · 15/08/2012 19:02

i think i will. although i think she will be mailining valium. shit, the arsehole!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:

MushroomSoup · 15/08/2012 19:05

I had to tell my friend her new bloke was sleeping with my hairdresser.
Not easy to do but if you are a true friend it's harder not to.

Original poster

thatstripedthing · 21/08/2012 12:34

UPDATE!!
the lying pig broke up with her over the weekend, but she begged him back this morning and he said ok, he was sorry he doesn't want to break up after all! damn, back to square one. i would tell her, but i am currently on holiday and don't want to send her a text btw, log back into site and see his activity - i must do that in person!!

OP posts:

Slumberparty · 21/08/2012 13:22

You have to tell her! When I was on an internet dating site, I saw my friends DP on there. They didn't meet online, this was a profile he'd set up after they were together (a year).
She won't blame you...or shouldn't do anyway. You can not let her disrupt her whole life by moving in with this cheat.

Slumberparty · 21/08/2012 13:24

Just saw your update. Yes, tell her when you get back. What I did was invite my friend over for coffee, then told her, and showed her his online profile as proof - if she sees it with her own eyes he can't deny it.

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