parents just getting old??

[icecold]

Im feeling really upset, and a bit panicky (which may be a real over reaction)

We as a famly (me dsis and df) been woried about my mum for maybe 2-3 years. She has had an undiagnosed abdominal pain which is quite incapacitating at times. Its been a worry because she has through her life been really strong and not someone to moan, she just 'gets on with it'. But now she is quite self-pitying, seems to run back to back illnesses and talks about them a lot. On top of that, or maybe because of that she has had a markable personality change. To the point that I have phoned and spoken to her GP worried about alzheimers/depression. As a whole picture her symptoms seem to fit ME (i have no experience of this) Over time we have accepted I think, that this is not a temporary 'thing' that she will recover from, but this is the 'new her'. I find it upsetting that she is quite intolerant/ short tempered with my dcs. She is keen to see them, but huffs and puffs at/about them

My mum and dad have always delighted at my dcs and have been really involved, even taking them away on annual holidays without me

My dad over the last 2 weeks seems to be going the same way as my mum. He is physically fit and has good health. But has started this same negativity about every thing. And again seems unable to tolerate my dcs. They have them now for a few days. I just phoned to see if all was OK and he said no, its a nightmare DC2 keeps having tantrums about nothing, and being really irrational. she is 20 months . He said my mum had shouted at them both for not eating their lunch and now she has gone to bed.

I dont know what i am asking really. I cant bear that they are not happy and healthy. I cant bear that they cant tolerate my kids, when they have been so loving and involved in their lives. I wonder if my kids are feeling the same hurt I feel on their behalf. i wonder if I need to stop them staying there (althouph parents say its fine/they want them if i ever suggest it is too much). I wonder if in fact it isnt my parents but my kids are awful??? (dd1 is being assessed for ADHD, she is really high energy)

I dont know. What do you think? What happened as your parents got older?

Why haven't you hotfooted it off to your dps to retrieve your dcs?

Your 20mo is not feeling the same hurt you feel but she sure as hell is hurt and confused by being shouted at because she didn't eat her lunch and has had the odd age-appropriate tantrum.

Looking after your dc is getting too much for your dps but they don't want to admit it.

Perhaps in future one of your dcs could stay over but if they're going to be around your dps en masse for any length of time, I would suggest you make sure you're present too.

izzy thanks for your reply. I havent retrieved them yet as I am at work.

Im not sure I object to them being shouted at so much...well ...except, not eating lunch is not a reason for shouting

its true isnt it, I need to have 'supervised access' only
they have little one over night once a week whilst i work. they will be mortified if/when i take that away

Mine have had 2 bad years, they are just coming through it, they are now 73 & 78, my mum had endomtetrial cancer 2 years ago, she had to have a radical hysterectomy and a kidney out, thankfully all has gone brilliantly, I was in oz and had to return to care for her as my dad went to bits , then other sister returned from LA, to carry on from me. Worryingly it has been my dad has has not coped, off to drs for anything, constantly checking his pulse, not wanting to venture out but must be back home for 4pm, having panic attacks( I coud see what they were ) poor mum run ragged, eventually whilst a visit from both sisters to uk from oz & LA , my sister took him to drs and mentioned his behaviour, very discreetly, he has now had some counselling but bigget break thru is the recognition of what it is and pointing it out o him.
Luckily nothing altered their behaviour with my dc,s but your mum definitely sounds like she needs assessing, coud you take her to the drs? Do one research on the net and print it out for your dad, there may be some support groups near you.
It's bloody heartbreaking to see vibrant people become old and shells of themselves, are they getting out? Perhaps volunteering, retirement has not been good to my parents , it's when they started to become old as they retired very late, as enjoyed the social interaction it gave them, I think mine are bored and need to get out more, they go to church and do weekly shop but life so predictable they are not enthused to do anything different.
Your not alone, in your worry I hope you can your family together to discuss your worries and plan some course of action.
best of luck, you sound a lovely daughter to care so much.

they are only 65 y old..is it normal to become so elderly so quickly at this age?

It is very simple to me.

You tell your parents you are worried about them as they don't seem themselves, and while that is the case you don't want to add to their pressures by asking them to mind the children so that will stop.

Your children's well being has to come before your parents moritification.

they do get out coan especially my dad-is very active

its a bit sad; they always planned to go travelling when they retired. I think they decided not to/post-pone it becasue they enjoyed their grandchildren so much/more than they expected to...they just seem so joyless at everything now. Like everything is a chore...

My Mum has bouts of pain; some days are worse than others. She has been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, which is a form of ME i believe. A diagnosis has helped her to cope, although she still has difficult days and I worry about her, especially as my dad is in the early stages of terminal cancer . Getting older sure is a bummer!

From experience, with age comes tiredness, general irritability and health issues (diagnosed or not) - such as aches, pains, slowing down, wanting peace and quiet! And yes, they do start moaning much more until it becomes the norm.

I have seen this with my parents, but as DS is able to help them out (being nearly 12) - making cups of tea, and can amuse himself quietly, they are happy to have him for a few hours. They did not do childcare at all when he was younger - all the grandchildren too active, too much energy needed, too much noise, etc.

It does sound like they are finding it too much to manage 2 young DC - we know what its like with kids of that age as the parent.

Sounds like its time to just visit with DC or suggest shortening amount of time they are there without you? Discuss with them so they feel included - you might find they will be relieved, but didn't want to let you down by saying something first.

Everyone's different, mine only retired @ 70 & 75 and fell to pieces , your parents are obviously nt coping with your dc but this may not be permanent ! Get a drs appointment asap, can your in laws not help you?

coansha no, my inlaws are from overseas-long haul

thanks for your replies everyone. Its making me feel really weepy, but i know you are right. Maybe things will improve when they acknowledge the situation themselves. I think a diagnosis would help my mum immensely-she is scared i think. And often gets angry. She has had loads and loads of tests done. My dad thinks they have done all they can. But i have suggested paying for a private dr, see if money will help get to the bottom of it

Ive also just got divorced
so feeling a bit alone. all of a sudden