Miss match of intelligence/culture/class - can it work?

[IShouldHaveBeenAPairOfClaws]

I'm more interested in a general discussion really, rather than focusing on my own marriage. Its probably the issue I've struggled the most with in four years of marriage and nine years together. I like music, radio 4, boring documentaries, foreign films and reading books. He likes action films reality tv. We work well together in so many ways and he is a great father and we have some similar life philosophies. But every time we have a row I always think to myself, is the real cause of this argument the fact that were coming from such different perspectives because of our backgrounds? For example, I was brought up in a family that encouraged debate to the extent that other people might see us and think we were arguing, but to us we were debating. Dh hates this, so I really have to hold myself back because what I would see as a gentle debate, he would see as confrontational.

So there you are, if anyone has experience of this I'd be interested to know if you think it can work. Were both in our twenties with one young child, by the way.

Intelligence - for me, no.

Culture / class, yes, if you aren't a raging snob.

I have a masters from Oxford and enjoy opera, theatre, the usual cultural gubbins as I was exposed to it through my childhood.

DH has 2 GCSEs, first ever trip to a museum was with md 2 years ago and initially felt totally uncomfortable in restaurants with proper tablecloths.

We each spend time and enjoy showing each other the things we grew up with and experienced prior to meeting each other.

My parents are from a south London council estate originally so I'm not a snob. He appreciates the cultural aspects of life we now share and is not an anti snob who says all posh people are wankers.

It works for us and our issues do not at all relate to the differences in our upbringings as far as I can tell.

But we are lucky tht both of us fit in and feel comfortable in almost any social situation and group of people - from plumbers to pianists.

Sometimes I do miss having discussions on things which dont really interest him though (politics psychology religion etc). But I just talk to my colleagues and some friends about that stuff.

It depends on the individuals to some extent.

Based on my own experience a difference in intelligence is pretty difficult to overcome. I am very clever (apparently!), university educated etc, my Exp is not. At all. Left school at 16, never read a book, etc. When we used to argue he assused me of using long words to belittle to him, when it was just my normal vocab. He CONSTANTLY thought I was having a dig at him. It simply couldn't work.

My experience of a class divide is not much better - I was brought up in a council house but was surrounded by wealthy public schoolboys at uni, all of whom thought I was a bit chavvy and poor, and not suitable girlfriend material. I do have friends who have married 'up' and seem to be very happy - but they are more from what you might term middle/lower middle to upper, I don't know anyone from my background who has to that extent nor would want to. Said friends are also quite laid back, alternative lifestyle kind of people which perhaps makes the class divide less obvious...

Intelligence, not personally. It's very important to me that whomever I'm with appreciates my more bookish/clever side, and I appreciate a good debate/argument with them. However, I do know someone who is with a guy who is over 30 IQ points lower than her and this is a pretty big gap and I do think she misses the conversation she might otherwise have with a different partner.

Class, less so unless they are a raging snob and can't put up with my lower middle-class upbringing. My husband is much more cultured than me (likes classical music, theatre, ballet) whereas I like TV programmes, but this isn't really a massive divide because I either go along and enjoy it or are happy if he goes and takes someone else.

op you just described my marriage. i dont think any of those things matter except intelligence. im not talking academic qualifications but generally, you need to be level. i dont think class, social background matters so long as you share everything and noone feels inferior. i think you have to agree on big life philosophies.

i completely get the debating thing. we have so many 'debates'/ rows because dh can't loose or accept we have different opinions. i think traditions are important too. its taken 12 yrs and we still fall out over dhs lack of enthusiasm and my overspending on birthdays and christmas.

Some really interesting points. I think its important to get your fix of clever stuff from somewhere, if you can't always get it from your partner. So I read a lot and often talk to colleuges about those things. But that does also have the affect of reminding me what I'm not getting at home.

By the way I think it was a mistake to put the word class in the title of this thread. The person who used the word 'traditition' has described it well, I was thinking of family traditions more than I was class.

I am in a relationship with someone from a different culture anyway, so traditions were never going to be 'my' traditions, but a blend. What we tend to do rather than mix the two, is have some big events which are from his culture and some from mine. So Easter is important to him so we do 'his' Easter and I love a traditional Christmas, so he goes along with that. I think this works better though some people may be good at mixing the two up and making new ones, I'm not very good at that and tend to get upset if I think I'm going to be doing one thing at Christmas and then have to do something else.

I think that if you are a total mismatch on all counts then it could get a bit difficult eventually.

For me personally, the intelligence thing would matter - and come to that, the culture thing too, but only because it would limit our interactions if we didn't share some common ground there (which we do). DH doesn't like everything that I do, and I don't like everything that he does - but we have enough commonality to get by. I can't persuade him to go to the ballet though - but then he wouldn't be able to persuade me to go to a football match, or fishing (well ok, I have done that but only cos it's at his mum's place and I can do other stuff, not wait for fish to bite the hook)

Different religions are a problem - especially if one is an atheist. I wouldn't ever marry a religious person and my DH and I are pretty set in agreement that we'd probably divorce if either one of us chooses to suddenly believe in a god.

I do think intelligence is a biggie. But I don't think intelligence is measured by a degree or a class. My DH and I came from hard-working but poor families and have worked very hard to get to where we are. My DH is literally a genius at what he does for a living. But most of his contemporaries (and indeed job specs) demand a degree. He's never gone to university (I have) and he earns double what I earn. And deserves it.

In fact, when most people speak to my DH, he is very insecure and takes a while to relax and be able to talk. He comes across as a bit dim but in reality, he can literally be at home discussing shit with a rocket scientist. My DH is the epitome of "don't judge a book by its cover".

I am a chatterbox though. I can talk my way in and out of a dictionary.

We work together because in spite of our differences, we have similar intellects, we have the same views on how to raise children, we have the same religion (or complete lack of!), we have the same aspirations and we have (similar) cultures. Our home life was different but that gives us the option to raise our children how we will...

We do largely enjoy the same things as well. Although, he can't watch the "Expendables" because I think it's a load of shit.

Nothing to add except that I'm loving the pianist/plumber analogy. I'm a pianist married to a plumber!

My dp is a builder he has a city and guilds in carpentry he can make anything you care to mention from scratch no plans or drawings he is amazing. He can't spell has questionable politics and says things that make me go . he can fix anything he stands and scratches his head for a bit. Looks puzzled then says we need to do xyx. He never reads likes action films. Social hermit

I have phd in biochemistry. Like to read classics. interested in quantum physics. I have no common sense. Like to be around people. I avoid politics.

We come from very similar backgrounds though.

He's my soul mate.

Oh and im a catholic and he's an atheist this has caused some interesting chats

"I do know someone who is with a guy who is over 30 IQ points lower than her "

How does she know this? Did she find him conversationally inadequate and send him off for analysis or something?

I find that totally weird.

It could just be as simple as both having done an online test, Balloonslayer - I did one and my DH wanted to do it as well - he came out ~30 points lower than me but that's because he had a) never done one before and b) didn't realise that it was timed. Mind you, I am a genius, apparently

I have never done one - am too worried I would be disappointed by my results

If someone suggested I do one I'd panic!

BalloonSlayer, yes, they'd both been tested at different times and it came up over an issue over one of their children. However, it confirmed what she already knew, which was that she was very very bright indeed and her husband was of average, if slightly below average intelligence (it may have been more than 30 points!). It's all very well saying 'well, perhaps he's very clever but not in an academic way' or 'perhaps he's got a different type of intelligence' but this isn't really the case, he's a lovely guy but not, in her words 'the sharpest tool in the box' and yes, she does sometimes wonder if this means they are destined for a lifetime of rather dull conversations. But I think this is quite an unusual case, most people tend to go for someone quite similar I think.

We've both been formally tested and while my DH is technically about 22 points higher than me, we are both in the higher category.

So like....he can't find his socks and has no idea where the washing liquid is.

And I can't REALLY be fucking arsed to watch that ENTIRE clip on the 3 trillion frames a second camera that can now photograph light. Actually, I did watch it but I lost interest until the light played through the coke bottle, then I lost it again.

Dp thinks he is clever than me. No GCSEs, no job, socially reclusive and hates books and libraries, documentaries, news, radio 4......basically everything I enjoy. He mocks me for enjoying all of the above. He likes porn, reality tv, and fast food etc etc

I have a few acquired tastes eg theatre, opera etc from my uni days. We are both from working class backgrounds but have different view on important issues like how we raise our dcs [esp how girls should behave]. This has been really difficult to square as i find his knowledge of child dvt lacking but believes he has the best ideas. We don't talk much as we both have nothing interesting to say to each other, which makes me so sad.

Basically, I find it immensely difficult to have a reasonably balanced discussions with Dp without both of us feeling total worn down by frustration as we are not from the same book....never mind the same page. There is a lot of resentment on both parties and differences in intelligence in our case is the most difficult hurdle. By the way we can't even agree on what intelligences is. For me IQ tests are just a gimmick and, and to some extent, so is being good at passing exams.

I grew up thinking that because I never failed exams, I was clever, only to realize this was just a fraction of what makes someone intelligent.

Oops, excuse the typos....you know what I meant to say.

Dryjuice that's quite a bleak picture you've painted there, do you not have anything in common?

I have 2 degrees, a well paid career, love reading, debate etc as said above. My DH left school at 11, works manually. We complement each other beautifully! We have similar council home backgrounds and parent the same way. He is far more 'cultured' than me in many ways and we have polished each other's rough edges off! And, crucially, he is sensational in bed!

I think it just depends on whether you feel that you have a strong connection that transcends the differences. If literally any conversation leaves you thinking 'jeez who is this guy?' and wishing you were hanging out with your friends, you have a problem. If OH's terrible spelling/ways with a soup spoon just leave you fondly thinking 'He's a moron - but my moron' then you don't have a problem.

DH and I are like this. We have been very happy together for over a decade. My love of reading, theatre etc have rubbed off on him.

The problems are with prejudice from others. Some of extended family are snobs and have said some vile things. His friends think I use long words to take the piss out of them. They will never accept me.

But the different backgrounds can work :)

agree with crazy, to get on you need to be on the same wavelength to a certain extent, I'd see it as a holistic thing rather than breaking it down into IQ, level of education, class etc.

Also I think there needs to be some parity wrt what either party 'brings to the table'
ie the relationship needs to be mutually beneficial in a general sense