I don't deserve forgiveness, but need help.

[BlackSun]

I have been with my husband for 18 years. I married young and did not have much life experience. My husband is 10 years older than me and the dynamic of our relationship has always been such that he was the one in control of everything. I was was too young and naive when I married him to realize the implications of marrying someone like him.

I have never truly felt that he loves me. Perhaps because he never told me that he did. I did everything in my power to make him love me and accept me for who I am, but it was never quite enough, as he found fault with almost everything I did. Throughout my whole marriage I have felt tolerated. I wondered whether he could be gay, because he never touched me in an intimate way, never kissed me...just had sex with me, he has lots of gay friends/work colleagues and seem to prefer their company to that of other men. He is also quite effeminate in his mannerisms. I thought that perhaps I was unlovable and that it was my fault that he could not love me.

He has always looked after me very well. I have never needed for anything, except perhaps his affection and attention. There were a few minor instances of physical abuse, but I do not hold it against him.

We fought often, as I tried to find some balance in our relationship. During our fights, he would be verbally abusive, telling me that the best thing for everyone would be for me to kill myself. He told me that I disgust him, that I am a disgrace...amongst many other things. The things he said to me during these fights hurt me so much that I decided to distance myself from emotionally. Over a period of a few years, I managed to not care anymore. His indifference did not affect me anymore...not too much in any case.

As I grew stronger, I finally decided 2 years ago, that I am going to seek my own happiness, as I cannot continue living such a loveless life. I did consider divorcing him, but 2 of my 4 children have severe learning disabilities and they need specialized care, which I could never afford on my own. I have not earned a wage for over 13 years and the country in which we live, do not have a good social welfare system, not like the UK. I do not have sisters, aunts or female cousins to support me with caring for my children and my mother lives very far from me.

So, I decided to stay in my marriage, but seek love outside of it. We live in a small community, so I could not meet someone the one would normally do. I decided to join a dating website and began chatting to many interesting men and things basically escalated from there. I was looking for someone who would love me and whom I could love in return, but I quickly realized that sex was always on the agenda. I then made a calculated decision, that if I had to sleep with lots of men, just to find love...then I was going to do it. I felt no remorse, because I convinced myself that I was doing it to find that one person with whom I can have a special connection with.

My search led to me having sex with 39 people (men and women) over a period of 2 years, on 102 separate occasions. I know that you will think that I am weird for keeping score. I am not sure myself why I did it. And I did find that one person. I can finally say that I know what it feels like to be truly loved and adored by a man.

My husband noticed the change in me and this resulted in more heated arguments and for the first time ever I had the courage to tell him exactly how his treatment of me has affected me. I told him that what we have is broken and that I do not care anymore what he does or says to me. I told him to divorce me if he wants and I told him a few home-truths. I told him that I have never felt loved by him and that I do not think that I love him anymore. He was very shocked by my assertive behaviour, but left it at that and a few days later he came and talked to me, really talked to me...not at me, like he usually does. He confessed that he did not love me when he married me, but he that he grew to love me during our marriage and that he did not want to lose me. He has since told me daily that he loves me and is very attentive to my needs and seem to be trying very hard to make up for his past behaviour.

I have decided to give our marriage another chance and ended my relationship with the other man, which was very hard. My husband does not know about my sordid behaviour during that 2 year period and I am torn about whether to tell him. I want our new start to be based on truth and honesty about everything, our feelings and our expectations. But I find that I cannot give him my all, because I feel so guilty about what I did.

Should I tell him and risk losing him or should I not say anything and hope the feelings of guilt will go away eventually?

Thank you.

Gosh, OP your poor thing, what a horrible marriage.

I know your question is should you tell or shouldn't you about your infidelities, but I think that's the wrong question. I think you should be asking, 1) Can you ever have a truly loving and equal relationship with your husband, and 2) Do you believe his attempts to change will last?

I suspect the true answer to both those questions (which are probably in fact just different ways of saying the same thing) is NO. I think he's just scared he's going to lose you, not because he values you as a person, but because it suits him to have a wife.

He has treated you so horribly. Telling you you should kill yourself? Outrageous. He is the one that doesn't deserve forgiveness, not you. You feel guilty for your infidelity because you are a good person, but sometimes you have to do things that are technically wrong just to survive, just to find out who you are. You say you found a man who could love you - what I think you actually found is your true self. Can you hide that person away again?

Good luck and hugs (people say hugs are un-MNetty, but they're not actually),.

What have you got to be guilty about? You were in a loveless marriage with a verbally and physically abusive man and sought comfort elsewhere.

As it happens, rather than finding 'love' you found self-confidence and your new assertive persona appears to have had the usual effect on a controlling man - namely, put the wind up him that his victim might escape and he'll have sod all to control.

What purpose would it serve to tell your h anything about your extra marital activities?

If you haven't done so already, I would suggest you get tested for stis and, providing the results are negative, keep your secrets.

Oh Blacksun that is a tough one. I think in the past i would have opted for optoin 1 telling all in order to have a clean start. With age though I've become more cynical/ prudent and would consider the following points: could you DH actually handle the truth and forgive you? Are you really willing to lose him in order to have a clear mind? You would then have lost your true love and the man you gave him up for?
Do you actually love your DH? Parts of your beautiful OP left me wondering whehter he was physically violent towards you and whther you could forgive him or trust him again? Also, do you seriously think he might be gay? Can he sustain the efforts to make you happy or will it resume to business as usual once he's convinced you've given up on wanting to leave him?
18 years is an awful long time, so many things cna happen it is hard to say if your true love wouldn't have disappointed you in some way in that laps of time.
My gut feeling says do not tell him.

Thank you very much for your replies.

To answer your questions about whether I believe this change in my husband will last....I have to admit that I am cautiously optimistic about that. Sometimes I even find myself waiting for him to revert back or act in the same way as he did before and when he doesn't I have a mixture of emotions..I feel guilty for doubting his sincerity, I feel relief that he didn't act the same way as before and I feel disappointed....disappointed, that his behaviour did not give me reason to go back to the other man. It is all very confusing.

Do I still love my husband? I don't think that I love him in the true sense of the word, not the way I loved him when we first met and married...but I do care for him deeply and I do worry about him.

Say nothing, give your marriage 100% for as long as your H does and when that stops, walk away.

You said you can't afford the help two of your children need on your own, well he has to support you and the children so that is irrelevant really.

Hi JustFabulous,

If I divorce my husband, I will have about one year (according to the law here) to find myself gainfully employed. If he feels that I am not trying to find a job or are not taking steps to educating myself for a career, then he can apply to pay less support. I know all the legalities, because he is an attorney and I have, through the years, picked up most of the stuff through osmosis.

I home-school my 2 children and if I need to go work, I will need to put them in a special needs school and after-care, which will absolutely be the worst thing for them.

Oh dear, then that is tricky.

Don't tell him. Definitely not.

Honey, just forgive yourself and proceed cautiously but I wouldn't tell. I don't blame u for what u did. If he was good to you I don't think you would have done this. U sound like a good person . Good luck

A lot of people in abusive or neglectful relationships have looked for - and found - strength and comfort in someone else. I was in that situation when I met dh. Don't tell him. You suffered his treatment for a long, long time. I'm glad you found some love, you deserve it. Enjoy your memories.

And one day, when the time comes, you might decide to walk away once and for all.

You have nothing to gain at all by telling him. Indeed as you have chosen to give your marriage a chance, the only way to give it a chance is not to tell. He will use it and any guilt against you for ever. You have no idea what he has not told you. No doubt his with his behavioural history there are many things you too are better off not knowing from his side to me that sounds so obvious I bet he has secrets aplenty!

Draw a line under the past, and secure a nest egg, should you need to review your situation you will need it, because I too do not believe he will be able to maintain his newly discovred 'love' of you.

I love the fact that you shook him to the core by basically telling him to do his worst, divorce you if he wanted, he knew that was no threat and demonstrated to you that it is him that cannot live well without you, not the other way around.

Do not live in fear, show him that you will not be treated like a speck of dirt on the floor for him to frown at. Rise above him and his coldness and at the first sight of the old behaviour close the door behind you and move on or out. Warmest wishes and good luck. So glad you found MN.

Thank you to everyone who responded.

I am overwhelmed and humbled by your kind words of understanding and comfort, as I (quite incorrectly) expected to be judged and vilified for straying outside my marriage.

I think it is going to take a while still for me to let go of the guilt. I can, on a logical level, justify my behaviour, but on an emotional level I struggle to come to terms with it.

Thank you.

You poor thing. I hope it all works out well for you both from now on.

Bet it feels a bit weird, him being so nice, now?

This was no marriage of equals, he was not your equal, he was a cold hearted bully who did not deserve the love of a devoted young woman. He used you. Forgive yourself complete and do it now. Please, please.

God no don't tell him!

I understand.when you have moments of peace and trust with him , when he is as you wish him to always be, you feel awful.it happens.you sought that because of the awful ness of your relationship.and he was not there with you then.therefore it is yours alone, so let it go.you have this one life, forgive yourself, don't judge yourself on numbers or encounters..you know the driving force and have moved forwards.that is enough x peace to you x

I think your marriage will be over if you tell him.

Some people can't forgive their partner for sleeping with anyone else at all.

Some people can work around it, and repair their marriage, albeit after a long healing process, and reading other threads on here it seems that for many of these people, complete trust never returns.

I think it would be a very very rare person who could get over their spouse sleeping with 39 other people. It would require a lot of soul-searching from your husband, and realisation that he was bullying you very badly. Obviously you know him best, but he doesn't sound like that sort of person from your post.

So I would keep quiet if I were you, unless you are certain that he will appreciate you telling him, so that a new, honest, open start can be made. Doesn't sound at all likely to me. What does sound probable is that it will be brought up time and time again as a point-scoring stick to beat with you whenever there is an argument in future. Or he might even sleep around, and pipe up with "Well, YOU did it" if found out.

Draw a line under it. He did things he shouldn't have. So did you. The past is the past. Do your best honestly and earnestly if you have decided to give the marriage another go.

You poor thing. I totally sympathize with your position. Please do not tell your husband. His bad behavior and callousness over the years at least equals your sexual escapes. If you really want to stay with him then start fresh, forgive yourself as well as him and leave the past in the past. I so hope you find happiness.

Thank you for all the advice.

I must admit that I still feel resentful towards my husband. During our marriage (before my escapades) I was a very good wife to him. I never flirted or even harbored secret ideas about other men. And I prided myself on that. I liked myself as a person. I was blameless. I suppose it shows the depth of my unhappiness to have taken such drastic measures, to veer so far and deeply from what I held dear. I know that I would never have acted in the way I did, if I was not so terribly alone and didn't feel so unloved. I am angry with him for that.

I also live in fear. I fear that it will somehow all come out. I was very careful when all this was going on, but there is always the chance that when I am out with my husband, we will bump into one of the people I had sex with. The world is a very small place. I now realize that because of what I did, I will never again be able to relax when we go out or when meeting new people. It is a life sentence, I will never be free of it. It reminds me of a murder case that happened here a couple of years ago. A young man killed his girlfriend, he was investigated, but never charged with anything because of insufficient evidence. Nothing happened for a couple of years, but when the investigating officer finally knocked on his door to arrest him, he (the young man) said 'What took you so long?' He was relieved that he was finally found, because living with the guilt of what he had done and the fear of being found out, at any given moment, was worse than being locked up. I can understand his relief...

Another thing. My children. They look at me with such awe in their little eyes, but I don't feel that I deserve their unconditional love anymore, not like I used to, because of what I have done...I am not their perfect mummy anymore. My daughter is a teenager and when she asks me for advice about life and love, I feel like a fake, because who am I to give advice or guidance when I screwed up so badly myself.

All these things nag at me constantly, but I will never be free of them, because I cannot reveal any of it, ever.

I understand your anger at feeling that your h 'drove' you to take extreme measures to find the love you craved and he withheld from you, but part of that anger will be directed at yourself for not having been more assertive earlier in your relationship with him and, of course, there's your anger at not having what you perceive to be sufficient cause to continue your liaison with the om.

We're all fallible, flawed, and very far from being perfect, but if what your dc receive from you is the unconditional love, warmth, and approval that enables them to become all that they can be, then you will always be perfect in their eyes.

With regard to your teenage dc, having experienced the deep divide between love and lust, you are better placed to advise her not to give her heart away until she is satisfied that the lucky recipient is worthy to receve it and, of course, your marriage has given you the experience to recognise the warning signs of a controlling and abusive male should she have the misfortune to become embroiled with one.

As for your fear that it will all come out, this is a case of chin up and face the world head on. In the unlikely event that your fear is realised, you'll deal with it and you can come back here for whatever advice/support you need to get you through.

Of course these matters are nagging at you; your sexual adventures are a recent phenomena but in time they'll become part of the rich tapestry that is your life - a colourful piece of embroidery that signalled the end of an era of stultifying monotony and restriction and the beginning of personal growth and increasing self-confidence.

You've done nothing to be ashamed of and if you should feel the need to unburden yourself, do so here - and be sure to delete this site from your computer history everytime you log off.

You've found your voice, honey. Please don't lose it again.

Hi,
I just want to add that you are awesome!
Your behaviour was reactive to an appalling situation. Everyone deserves love.
I hope your DH manages to maintain this behaviour and that you can be happy.

Don't tell him. It will only make life harder for yourself, and by the sounds of it its hard enough already.

I know you fear you will have a life sentence worrying this could come out, but as Izzy said, this is relatively recent and as time goes on it will become less of a threat to you.

There are two reasons why you would tell someone about an extra marital affair (especially if you are going to make a go of a bad time)

1. You feel guilty. Offloading to them makes you feel better. You had a shit marriage and you're both working at it now. Short of you're making him believe that a child conceived by another man is his, your infidelities can come out if the marriage fails (which is may do)
2. He "needs" to know so that he can understand how badly he treated you and pushed you towards that. This one is naturally directly related to a projection - "s/he treated me badly so I was allowed to. It was a moment of weakness" Again, see point about.

You said in your post that you hope the guilt will go away - do you think the marriage is worth fighting for, or not? Can you live with your guilt? What can you possibly gain by telling him, unless you don't mind the breakdown in marriage.

If you KNEW that telling him would result in a divorce, and that's ultimately what you want, then tell him. But if it's not, then consider the weighted effects of what you will tell him, how much it would hurt him and whether it really is "need to know"

I kept affairs that I knew my dad had from my mother. They were getting a divorce anyway and to tell her would be to break her heart. I didn't see the point in adding salt to her wounds. It wouldn't have made a difference to the eventual outcome. And yes, I can live with the guilt of not telling her because it protected her just a bit from a very nasty reality

Move on from this, put it to rest.take each day as it comes and the guilt will subside.do not torture yourself as you were in an unhappy place when you had these other encounters.it's very unlikely that you will bump into an ex sexual partner with your Dh and almost impossible that they would pipe up with "oh it's you, yes we had sex a year ago didn't we?". That is part of your own personal story, turn the page and don't dwell on the past x