Feeling a bit needy

[NoMoreNotNever]

It's been five days since the police had to remove my xP from the house, for DV and general drunken aggressiveness.

Today I just want to howl and howl and howl and howl... but I can't; I have two jobs to do today, I have to keep going to pay rent, buy catfood, not get sacked... I have so much to sort out, paperwork and bills and cleaning the house now his things have gone, and I can't face any of it. Had my first diazepam of the day and managed to get dressed, clear up the cat sick (some things never change ) and weep all over MN for a while.

But if anyone feels like patting me on the head and telling me it will be alright, that would be very welcome... Even better would be some coping tricks, to just get me moving. If I can get started, I'm sure the next job will be easier, and the one after that, etc etc. But all I want to do is take enough pills to sleep under the duvet all day (NOT a self-harm thing! Just some desperately wanted sleep!). Since that's out of the question, what do you all do to just get yourself going in the morning?

It WILL be alright, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I'm married again now but the same happened with my DH1.
If you start on the jobs you will find you think about all of it less and feel a sense of achievement afterwards.
Keep taking small, positive steps and make sure you say well done to yourself for every single one.
Mentally give yourself a small tick just for getting out of bed, another one for having a shower (for example) the put your face on (or whatever you do to make yourself human) and get out there with the knowledge and confidence that when you get home you will have your house to yourself.

Life does get better, over time peace will descend and you will be able to make the clear decisions which make you happy.

Can you not take some sick leave? It sounds like you might need it.

It will be fine, because whatever else the day has in store for you, being attacked by a drunken arsehole is not something you have to worry about any more. Best of luck.

Liz, thank you. You are right, I do start to feel better as soon as I have done something, no matter how small - it gives me strength to do the next thing, and so on. It's just today I'm struggling more than usual. I will open the post I think, that will be a start.

Silver, I only applied for this job three weeks' ago and started last week! I can't take sick leave, especially since there are four events coming up in three weeks' time that I need to organise. Besides, sitting at home crying instead of working doesn't sound like much of an exchange...

Solid, there is that. But it's so recent that the worry hasn't disappeared. I jump every time the catflap goes, or someone drives past the house, or the 'phone rings, or something moves in the corner of my vision... I haven't stopped shaking for about five weeks now and I'm exhausted. I KNOW it will pass, but unfortunately that doesn't make the right-now any less anxious.

Perhaps I should just go upstairs and have that howling session and hope it gets it out of my system for a few hours so I can get on. Trouble is, I'm so knackered afterwards I probably wouldn't.

God I sound pathetic, don't I. Sorry.

No, that's not pathetic, that's coping and good for you.
Well done for getting a new job with everything that's been going on, that is a big thing and just one example of how great and capable you are.
There will be good days and bad days but hang on in there and it will get to the point when you realise you haven't had a bad day in a long time.
If you need to chat or vent that's what MN is for.

You say you jump, have the police placed conditions on his movements?

Yes, Liz, he's not supposed to come anywhere near the house. If he's spotted in the village I'm supposed to call them and they will arrest him.

I may have stuffed that one up though. He 'phoned on Monday to say he was hiring a van to come and pick his stuff up that afternoon. I panicked. Said he couldn't come until the next day at the earliest. I was at work all day Monday so spent all evening (until 3.30 a.m.!) packing and labelling everything of his in the house and putting it in the barn, which can be locked off from the house so he didn't have to come in. Then I scarpered Tuesday morning whilst he came to collect things. I should have told the police exactly when he was coming - they told me to. But I just said I wasn't sure of the time (I wasn't) and would 'phone them if it looked as though it would go badly.

So now he maybe thinks it's ok to not arrange a time (there are still some of his things here), which is why I'm jumpy. Also though, a lot of hangover jumpiness from how he was before he left - I keep expecting him to walk through the door being angry about something.

I do understand the jumpiness. It will pass, honestly.
If he does turn up at any time just ring the police, keep your mobile with you at all times, with charge on it.
If he does turn up and you do ring them you can explain that he took his stuff and you had agreed, they will be fine about it.
If you have friends or friendly neighbours in the village tell them what has happened and to ring you if they see him, then you ring the police and report him.
If you have a solicitor (and if you don't I suggest you get one) you can ask them to write to him to tell him he can only make arrangement to pick up the rest of his stuff with agreement through them or the police.
Is your house secured? Locks? Alarm? Outside lights? If so make sure these are active at all times, that will give you peace of mind and again any sign of anyone then ring the police.

Sorry to sound bossy! You are doing really well.

I think I need bossiness! I feel so gormless it would help just to have someone say 'right, you'd done the post, now email your boss. Now 'phone those people back. Now write that note. Now do the washing up. Now eat something. Now do the costings for the event.' So I could just trundle about like a zombie getting things done.

Except that person is ME. So why can't I look at what I've just written and then bloody get on and do it!

Friends and neighbours are the same people - they know and are keeping an eye on me. Locks ok, outside lights on here, next door and round-the-corner-house.

Right, then. One thing at a time. I'm going to ring one work person back, and that will be a small achievement.

Thank you. Honestly. I'm so grateful for people listening even though I know how self-indulgent I'm sounding.

Oops it's you - sorry for my effort. I blame these pills I am on

xxx Silver!

I remember your other thread, NoMore. Glad you're free from being ranted at all day, though the circumstances of that freedom sound terrifying at present.

You aren't in the slightest bit pathetic, I think you're a heroine actually. You've managed to secure a new job, and you're still doing what you need to do.

In your place anyone would be pretty traumatised, and on a hair trigger wondering if the assailant/H might make a reappearance. You don't feel safe in your home yet. Nobody could think straight in those circumstances! So please be nice to yourself.

I think taking tiny steps and praising yourself for them is a great idea. It's something I do myself.

Also, if you're exhausted, prioritise essentials ? keeping shelter, and food. Which translates as: get money, pay bills, eat. Cleaning and sorting will not keep you alive, so it can go down the list if needs be.

And if anyone has offered to do anything, ask them to do something, however small ? it makes them feel needed, and is one less thing for you!

Thinking of you, hoping you'll feel able to vent if it gets too much.

Hi NoMore, just wondered how you are doing now?

Thanks, Lady, that makes a great deal of sense. Except for this overwhelming need to reorganise and clean the whole house... Eating is still a problem: I wonder how much combined weight all the ladies on the relationship board have lost this year - enough fat/muscle/calories=energy to power a small city I imagine.

Liz, I have managed two straight hours without weeping today, which is my new record. Yesterday was terrible, as was the day before, so hopefully today I can get a bit more done.

Huge thanks for the support - it has saved my sanity, truly. Thank you.