Is this my fault?

[ellathefox]

This is going to be long. For a while do has been making out I'm crazy when we argue so i would like the opinion of others as i feel that I don't know if it is in my head or if this is actually my fault. I'm going to write exactly what happened last night.

Dp came home last night, totally drunk and got into bed. I asked him to get up and switch out the light and he stormed off and slept in the living room. I went through and asked him to go sleep in the bedroom as the living room would be stinking of alcohol and ds would be in there in the morning. I would rather our bedroom was stinking as ds wouldn't be in there. He got up and went to get the covers from the spare bed which is in ds room and I was begging him not to as he would wake up ds and I'd be the one who was up dealing with it. He stood in ds room shouting and taking the piss out of what I was saying. Ds woke up but that didn't stop him. He went away back to the lr while I lay ds down to sleep again. Dp then came back through and stood at ds door, I presume waiting till he went back to sleep to get the duvet. It would just have woke up ds even more do I said to use the throws that are over the couch and I tugged his arm to get him away from the door. This resulted him him overpowering me and using my arms to try and pin me against the wall. He didn't hit me though. I asked him again to just use the throws, please dont wake ds up and he pinned me against the wall again but I managed to free one arm and I slapped him across the face to stop him from physically holding me against the door. We have never had violence before but I was terrified he would hit me. He was like a completely different person last night. I didn't recognise him. When he eventually went and lay down I called him vile and revolting. He ignored me and went to sleep (in the lr, which is stinking of booze now)

I'm going to go stay at my mums for a few days and get me head cleared and see what he has to say for himself after he's cooled down but I really just want to know, was this my fault? I don't even know myself any more.

Does he get that drunk a lot?

At least once a week.

I'm inclined to think that fault just isn't important here. Normal, healthy relationships just don't include incidents like this. Does he get this drunk a lot?

:( So if he gets this drunk regularly, how do you know it won't happen next time? Or the next? Or when ds is in the room? If he's drunk to the out-of-control extent, he won't be able to stop himself.

It hasn't happened before and I don't know if it would happen again. I don't plan on being around to find out. I'll only re consider if he stops drinking. I know it isn't healthy but he's been making me feel like every disagreement and argument was because of the way I am. He has a special knack for transferring blame and not being responsible for his actions. I wish I could show him what he was like last night, it was like he was possessed.

I don't have any marks this morning, will was all red last night though. Please leave unhappy

He sounds a lot like my exp.

It's no excuse AT ALL but if his pissed up state he probably thought you were being a pain making him get up to turn the light out, then following him to the living room and making him move again, then following him to ds' room etc

Like I say it's no excuse for what he did, and I spent 3 years living with the same sort of thing - trying to get exp to have a wee before he crashed out drunk as I knew he would wet the bed/sofa, trying to persuade him not to wake the baby up to play at 3am, not to start singing/smoking/shouting etc but trying to do it in such a way that it wouldnt wind him up, or make him think I was patronising him, or undermining him etc etc bloody nightmare and I'm glad I don't have to deal with it anymore. It's no way to live.

I will guess that today he is blaming the drink?

The answer; stop drinking. If he cant do that then I suggest you reconsider your whole relationship.

My DP is teetotal because he is a horrible drunk (I have never seen him drunk, he stopped drinking before I met him). If your DP cant see how damaging last night was to your DS or you then do you really want to be with him? If he continues to drink it WILL escalate and next time he WILL hit you.

It was not your fault at all.

I dont have time to post very much but couldnt post nothing - THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

He isn't blaming the drink today, I wish he was. He's saying he remembers exactly what happened and he didn't pin me against the wall (he did) and he didn't wake ds up (he did) and that me calling him vile was far worse than what he did to me. He hasn't mentioned the slap though. I've tried to explain that he was really really drunk and that's what he's saying isn't how things actually happened but he's very stubborn and will not admit when he's in the wrong. Of course, everything is my fault as usual. I'm the crazy one apparently. I think I had good reason to follow him into the lr, ds room.

Thats even worse IMO. It is not ok for him to blame you at all.

Leave him. This will escalate and it sounds like it will happen even if hes sober.

Drinking doesn't turn a partner into an abusive twunt.

You have an abusive twunt with an added drink problem.

hi ella

your story reminds me of mine but only know im out of it do i realise its DEF NOT YOUR FAULT!!! my husband did this for years, always blaming it on the alcohol (yet never stoppping himself getting drunk) then he'll tell you that somehow you provoked him to act the way he did RUBBISH!
please think carefully about what you are going to do now or if this ever happens again which unfortunatley it probably will :( as he doesnt think what he did was that bad anyway, my ex always stopped short of actually hitting me he normally grabbed me round the throat and pinned me up but in his eyes because he didnt hit me it wasnt abusive
IT IS! and one day your ds might have to witness his dad hurting his mum :(
huge hugs and i hope you find the strength to do whats right for you and your ds
inbox me if you need to chat anytime x

It's only a matter of time before your DS is old enough to remember seeing his daddy wasted, staggering, slurring, vomitting, yelling, grabbing, hurting his mummy. If he does it once a week then it will become normal for your DS. As he gets older he will also become a target and will learn to listen for the key in the door with fear, judge how drunk his daddy is by the sound of his steps on the stairs, keep quiet and pretend to be asleep so he doesn't provoke him.
You need to take action. Draw a line. If he won't stop drinking and you won't kick him out then at the very least he needs to sleep elsewhere after a night out.