how to make sex work.... because Im baffled

[GrizzlyFrontBum]

Ive read several things on here over the last few days / weeks that have really hit home for me, but the advice - hasnt really helped in my situation if that makes sense, so Im here to ask for advice for me (well, and DP)

I've name changed...

DP and I are both young - him early 30s
We barely have sex, at all. And when we do, its just sad.

Theres never foreplay, it's kiss, jump on, he enters me, comes, holds me tight and asks if I love him, then gets off, he goes to sleep.

Every. Time.

If I give him a blow job, I "maintain" him for as long as I can, but if he enters me he just comes. Missionary position, he literally lays ON my body, he doesnt support himself at all, when I go on top, I can make myself come, otherwise it deosnt happen.

He likes "rough" sex, but havent seen any evidence of this other than the random internet history of him looking at costumes etc to buy (for me)

We werent like this before, we had a really active, really plentiful sex life where we could got from fucking, to "making love" etc etc and everything in between,

He's told me he feels that he's crap in bed (even though I tell him he's not, and its up to both of us to make eachother happy etc), and that hes so tired all the time, stressed etc, and so I got to the point of not bothering to kiss him, never initiating sex (because he never would) and I was fed up of being rejected.

It took me to burst into tears in bed a few nights ago for him to shag me, because I told him I felt he'd physically distanced himself, and didnt want me any more. His responce is that he cant seperate me being the mother of his babies, not his lover any more.

Genuinely, I love this man. But I can not go on feeling cut up every night getting into bed and turning the light off and laying there like an old granny. although im sure my mum whos a granny gets way loads than me any way

in summary, sorry - he has lack of labido, premature ejactulation and exhaustion and a fat fiance

so you cant be a lover and a mother
Does he (before children) have a high sex drive?
Do u think he is getting it elsewhere?

before children, we worked lots and both exhausted but at weekends we would have sex 3/5 times - plus "extras" tbh I was a lot kinkier, dressing up etc

Now, we are both working, plus children etc and I still want him and desire him but i feel kinda, abandoned sexually.

Madonna/whore complex. Was he brought up superstitious ie Christian? In his head, you are now the saintly mother of children and therefore don't have a sexual vagina any more: it's his problem, not yours, and he needs psychosexual counselling.
Or dumping.

Very Christian parents - although he says hes not a believer himself, wants our DC to make their minds up for themselves etc, Im complete non believer

This happened to me with my ex, although tbh our sexlife was never really fireworks to begin with. He did say though that one thing he could not do was separate me the mother from me the sexual woman. I really am not sure why this happens, I can cope with a man being a parent and nurturing and so on and then switch gears in my head to him being a filthy so and so I do lots of rude stuff with but for some reason some men seem to have a real problem doing the same.

I think solidgoldbrass' suggestion of psychosexual counselling might help. Sorry you are going through this, not sure what other advice to offer, but just to let you know you are not alone. For me in the end I left my ex, in part because of our dreadful sexlife, but there was loads more to it than that.

This happened with my ex. Although sex completely stopped the second I found out I was pregnant. He couldnt think of me sexually anymore whilst pregnant and even less so once id had a vaginal birth. He was a completely d1ck anyway so we split years ago but that was one major factor for ending the relationship, for me anyway.

Im currently PG

we've had sex maybe three times in 6 months... its depressing me and I feel totally rejected.

There are things that I feel I cant discuss with him too, sexual based stuff, as he can seem a bit prudish about things... fuck i love him, i dont want this to break us

Um just to say not that I see sex as 'filthy' generally! I just use that word to describe the more kinky aspects sometimes, in a sort of tongue in cheek way..was a turn of phrase.....

I also think it goes for making lurve as well

I have heard something like this before... from a midwife, so it can not be that uncommon.

She said that some men find it hard to resume normal sex after seeing a baby coming out of the vagina.

Op - How old are your children, perhaps it would be a good idea to speak to your GP and get a referral to a specialist councillor.

Hope you manage to sort something out.

Myself and my DH are both Christians, and DH was brought up in a traditional Christian home.... neither of us have any issues with seeing each other as parents when we're around the kids, and lovers when we're alone.

I do agree that for some people they might find it hard to turn off that 'parent' part of their mind, but that it is an individual issue, not a Christian one, IYSWIM.

Have you asked him to touch you? Go down on you? It seems very selfish that you just give him oral and he does nothing for you. Maybe he does not realise how important foreplay is. You could try not hsving penetrative sex at all, Just getting into bed and agreeing to only use hands and mouths on eachother.

we have talked, yes, ive "directed" him to what I want, Ive asked him to show me how he likes things, he just seems non plussed tbh.

Is he affectionate generally? Give any hint that he fancies you when you aren't in the bedroom?

he says he loves me, he's not massively "hands on"

kisses me good bye in the morning - thats it