When you know you have to divorce - how to make H understand and how to keep amicable for the sake of the dcs?

[amigoingmadhere]

So it's one thing knowing what the right thing to do is (divorce); quite another to make H understand this. How to get him to see that it is for the best and the only sensible way forward, and how to keep on good terms for the dcs?

Anyone with experience I would love to hear your views. Thanks

You can't make him do anything. Decide on the best course of action for you and the DC, and stick to it. If he tries to sway you, stand firm. My exH was very resistant at first and it took months to bring him round and get a reasonable amount of co-operation, but I got there. He told me I had ruined his life, but even our 14yo DD commented recently that we are both much happier now.

My ExH wanted us to see a marriage counsellor, but I refused as it was way past mending. He phoned one who told him "if she says it is over, then it is over". From that point he started to see sense. I don't know who she was, but if I ever met her, I would hug her!

3.5 years on, we communicate mostly by email, we sorted out contact and child support between us, although I had to go to court to get a reasonable financial settlement. We are not friends, I don't want to be. He makes comments about our relationship, in fact he recently used his GF's relationship with her husband (who lives next door to her) as a shining example of something we should aspire to and about it being a good role model to the DC . My reply was "Your GF's relationship with her husband is of no interest, concern or relevance to me."

I am trying really hard to get my DC to learn what a good relationship looks like and to insist that when they are old enough to start dating etc, respect is crucial. They had a crap role model when I lived with their dad and living separately has definitely turned out to be the best thing for all of us. Even exH would have to admit he is much happier now although he wouldn't, because to do so would be to admit that I was right.

You can't make him do anything. You certainly can't make him suddenly see that you divorcing him is something he wants to happen or will be a good thing. You just have to grit your teeth, keep your eyes on the long term, set a good example for the kids (they will notice eventually), keep your temper, and battle through. It's a marathon not a sprint.

I've been separated for over 6 years and XDH still doesn't think it was for the best or a sensible way forwards. And for him it wasn't. Oh, and I've only just managed to get the divorce through too.

Just marking my place, am in the same situation. It's painful.

hmm, seems there isn't a way. How depressing, on top of everything else.

just wanted to concur with the others: you can't "make" him be understanding and amicable, anymore than you could "make" him be understanding and reasonable about the problems in your marriage that have led to the divorce.

You're just going to need to go ahead with what you think is right and necessary, and if he doesn't go along with it, then he doesn't go along with it.

" What's done is done, I don't want to argue and bicker, I don't want us to pick at each other, try to second guess what each is doing or thinking. Let's be up front and honest about contact time with the children. Let's not make it into a fight, a competition, let's not struggle on for years only to realise at the end that it needn't have been a struggle if we'd just been considerate - when it's too late and we realise what damage we've done to the children.

"Let's be kind to the children by being thoughtful to each other"

If he's unreasonable, he's not going to 'understand' because he doesn't want to. So don't waste your energy, just proceed, step by step, as calmly and civilly as you can. If he gets tiresome, end conversations and walk away. If he becomes aggressive, don't hesitate to put the phone down/leave a room or, if he becomes dangerously aggressive, call the police and log any incidents of aggression.

You don't need his permission to get rid of him.

I think appointing a solicitor and starting the formal process can be a bit of a wake-up call that, yes, this is really happening. He doesn't have to 'understand', just needs to know that you are going through with it. You are no longer in this together. He can get his advice from someone else now (his friends, solicitor etc). You don't need to feel like you have to explain things to him - it's really not your responsibility and not in your interest to take on this role.

Keep amicable for the sake of the children? ....communicate by email and through solicitors for important stuff. Try to stick to small talk and/or logistics when the kids are about. I try to talk positively (or at least not negatively) about my ex in front of the kids and make a point of not avoiding him as a figure in my DCs lives but at same time I don't really see him, or want to see him much myself.

Sorry you're going through this. I'm in the same position - finally asked DH to move out after 2 yrs knowing it had to happen. He has gone completely to bits, begging us to try again, threatening overdose (for effect I have now established) and claiming undying love (despite treating me with utter disdain for 12 months)
I have had to play it softly softly for now - calling it 'a seperation while we both assess our feelings.' In my heart of hearts I know its over but in the interest of keeping things amicable and stopping him losing his job and wrecking his life I have had to say 'I need a lot of time to get over the way you've treated me and see how I feel' - its a horrible balance between trying not to give false hope and not just giving a crushing blow I know he can't take.

I hope given a few months he'll see its for the best. I am going to see a solicitor soon just to see where I stand with the house and so on. Its horrible :(