I don't love my dh, should I just put up with it for the dcs?

[Whattodoforthebest]

I'm a regular but name changed.

I'm so unhappy in my marriage, I don't love my h anymore, I don't find him attractive, I know that sounds horrible but I just don't.
We had sex for the first time in 7 months because I felt I had to and tbh it was horrible and I felt kind of abused after. Sex has always not been very good he pleases himself and when he's done he's done which suites me fine as I don't really have much of a sex drive.
We hardly talk anymore, I've tried to make an effort to make things happier but the more times goes on the more I dream of being single.

We have 4 dcs so life is pretty busy, we have grown apart, he works nights and I work pt so don't get alot of time together but when we're home there's a atmosphere in the house, I just want to get out.

I love taking the dcs out but dread coming home to him. When he's not at home the dcs and I have so much fun together, as soon as he's home he starts moaning at the kids about the mess etc don't do this don't do that, I've had enough.

I don't enjoy his company, he isn't very social has no friends doesn't go out apart from to go to work.
I'm very social and love spending time with friends going out, he's just so miserable.
We've talked and tried to make things better but nothings changed.

Should I just suck it up and put up with it for the dcs or ask him to leave?? I really don't know what to do.

Thanks for reading, sorry it's long.

Why would you put up with it just because of the dc?

Life is too short - really it is.

I really don't know how to answer that tbh. Maybe cause I read threads on here about how hard it is being a single parent and how much the dcs miss their dads, I feel selfish iykwim.

The children will be able to feel the atmosphere. They will notice you are light hearted when you're out with them and low when he comes home. How could they not notice?

If you bear that in mind, separating isn't as difficult as it seems.

How do I make the first step. I've said in an arguement i want him to leave but he just said he isn't going anywhere .

Would he go to counselling with you? It might be an opportunity to talk about how unhappy you are (and tbh he seems unhappy too) and how you would like a time apart.

Relate have got great advice about breaking up positively. I second getting some counselling. I hope you find a way to be happier at home. Good luck.

Sounds a lot like my marriage. There is a breaking point when you know that it is over, and you will probably get there before your H. Someone on here said to me that you won't know when that point will come, but when it comes, you will know. It sounds like you are close to it, if not there already.

Ending my miserable marriage has turned out the best for me, DC and for him. He told me I had ruined his life, but would have to admit he is much happier (if financially a little poorer) now.

I don't love my H either. I know it has to end, but at the moment I am concentrating on a 2 year plan. I know that sounds crap. H knows it isn't working but would be happy to continue like this indefinitely. We don't share a bed, but we are friendly and polite with each other. There is no abuse just a lot of crap stuff.

My 2 year (hopefully won't take that long) plan is to find work so I can save enough money to rent somewhere on my own with the DC. I can't wait for that day.

I asked H to leave when Ifirst told him I didn't think it was working anymore, but he said no. I can't force him out. All I can do is work towards the day when I can leave.

It sounds crap. It is crap. But I don't see any other option at the moment.

FWIW I was a single parent before I met my H so no, that doesn't scare me. It is purely the practacalities and finances that I need to get in place.

I love taking the dcs out but dread coming home to him. When he's not at home the dcs and I have so much fun together, as soon as he's home he starts moaning at the kids about the mess etc don't do this don't do that, I've had enough.

^I don't enjoy his company, he isn't very social has no friends doesn't go out apart from to go to work.
I'm very social and love spending time with friends going out, he's just so miserable.
We've talked and tried to make things better but nothings changed.^

This really stood out for me. I could have written it.

Maybe start to make a plan in your head? It doesn't have to be split up now or stay together till the DC are adults.

Sorry no great advice, it is shit isn't it?

It is shit, it was for me too. I waited and waited, but I got what I wanted in the end. Mine refused to leave, in fact he is still living in what was our marital home (5 bed Edwardian semi worth about £800k). I had £10k in savings and worked full time and didn't pay much childcare as the DC were 10 and 12 when it ended. I had to be patient, but it was worth the wait.

There were many days when I sat on my bed and howled and cried though. Going back there after being out was terrible, I heard the prison door clang shut behind me every time I walked in that house.

I had to be patient, but it was worth the wait

jumpy This is what I am counting on.

I was you 4 years ago, my children were 12 and 10..
life is tough financially, but I knew it was going to be
ex is an arse, and has done a good job messing with the kids brains trying use them to hurt me

BUT
we are all so much happier
I have met a wonderful man that I am going to marry
it was truly worth all the pain to get where we are now

how old are your kids?
have a look at entitled to to see what your entitled to

good luck, life is too short

I don't believe in staying in an unhappy marriage just for the DC's.

You deserve to be happy to and the children want a happy mum.

If you do want to break up - it won't be easy, but I would much rather that then the alternative of spending another 5, 10 or even 20 years with a man that makes me feel like that.

I hope it all works out for you.

life is too short....get out while you can and be happy. the kids will be more happy too- no point living a life in misery with someoen you dont love

I grew up in this sifuation, no arguments or fighting she just atopped loving him.

It was all very sad and resentful, I remember being told as I got older that mum had wanted to leave but didn't for me ( I was 12 ish) made me feel terrible.

They are still together making each other miserable.

Never be afraid of being a single parent. Being a single parent is easier than being with a miserable sod of a husband.

I was a single parent for 8 years and the sense of freedom was overwhelming. Total free reign to do as you please.

The hardest part is sharing parenting and not seeing the kids as much but you soon learn to enjoy time to yourself while they are with the ex. Its like being given a second chance to live again after being unhappy for so long.

My dcs are 8 6 4 and 1.

I haven't been happy for a few years. We had a real rough time a couple of years ago, had to go bankrupt, sold our house to the housing association, I thought things would get Better not having money worries but they haven't.

I feel bad coz he has other dcs that are grown up now so he hardly sees them as they like doing there own thing, he hates not seeing them regally,

If I had somewhere to go and could afford it I would, I have no savings don't earn enough to feed dcs pay rent etc.

It's so hard,

Yep another one here saying happy parents apart is better than miserable parents together. I am a single mum and it's really not that hard, I am not rich but I cope and luckily for me my child has a wonderful relationship with his father and step-family. But even if I was doing it totally solo as in only me parenting I would still have made the same choice.

If you don't earn enough to support yourself and the children there is help available. Visit this site - www.entitledto.co.uk and enter all your information. It's accurate from my experiences, I recently changed jobs and used the site and it was spot on in how things would change down to a few pounds per week. I work part time and also get help with my rent and working tax credit. No I am not rich but I get by and am happy.

Are you the main carer? How many days per week do you work? Also I am sure he could see the children as often as possible, maybe you could view it as not denying him seeing his children, rather giving yourself AND him the opportunity to both be happier AND have a great relationship with the kids?

Having lived this from the DC point of view I would say, don't stay. Get out. My DM felt like you nearly all her married life, I think. She's now stuck with my father because she didn't get out earlier and feels that she can't now he's got sick. She's always moaning about him and is much happier when she's out of the house. He does things to upset her and create a reaction from her as much as he can. He's a complete nob. Get out while you can and you're still young enough to really enjoy your life. DM's life has been one whole compromise. Don't be like her.