How do I get him to talk to me about this?

[birdsnotbees]

Back story: DD is 18 months old. A nightmare sleeper from the off, she does sleep OK now, but every month or so will have a period of what appear to be tantrums - refusing to go to sleep, or, worse, waking up around 11pm and screaming for two hours. She does this regularly, we have ruled out health etc. It's just what she does, and we have to grit our teeth and get through it.

She is wonderful but very strong-willed. She has full-on, back-arching, arm-flailing tantrums already. All a bit of a shock as my DS is super laid-back. But like I say, also an amazing, bright and happy kid - a joy to be with, tantrums aside.

Anyway. At 10 months, DH took over bedtimes. DD was waking every 20 mins all through the night & didn't sleep during the day. I was at breaking point and so was our marriage. DH spent weeks lying with her in our bed (I was in our DS's room), basically teaching her to sleep without my boob in her mouth. It worked, we all slowly returned to normal. Except for these regular-ish 'blips'.

The problem is, DH will not let me help during these times. Sometimes it's 9pm and she's still screaming. DH stays with her, so she's not alone. But after a few nights, he gets cross with her. Tonight he shouted at her. So I went in and again said let me do it, you take a break.

He flat out refuses. He says if we break her routine at all then it'll be back to how she used to be. That if I do it she'll have 'won'. That I'll make things 100 times worse. But it's just not sustainable, nor is it fair on DD. She is a baby and yes she's a total PITA sometimes but she doesn't deserve to be shouted at. And getting wound up doesn't help. And if we took it in turns it'd be easier keep calm.

He just won't talk to me about this - what can I do to get him to listen to me? Every time I try it ends up in a massive row.

Approach it at a neutral time and talk about what if he is away and can't do bedrooms and she has to accept that either of you will put her to bed?

You need to do alternate nights regardless of her behaviour that way she isn't "winning" (in his eyes) and it may his confidence that either of you can lay with her without you resorting to feeding her - is that what he is worried about?

Could these blips be down to her teething, certainly only one of my dds really suffered with every single tooth the other 3 were fine. A different one was prone to viral earache that used to be an issue at night time only.

No positive advice I'm afraid. Though I too have a nightmare sleeper , took until 19 months to sleep for more than 2 hours. Now he;s great sleeps from 6.30 to 6.30. Daytime however are full on. tantrums, arched back and all, the very experienced nursery staff say this is ok, normal for some, just a way of expressing frustration.
Dealing with the night times though is more difficult, I know how it feels to have someone telling you to back off when they are effectively taking over your maternal instinct and 'managing a routine' it stings and its hard to stomach, sorry not helpful really but loads of empathy!

I think it's sparked by teething, yes, but then she very quickly gets into a habit of fighting sleep or waking through the night. So it's like we have to 're-set' the sleep clock and then it's fine again.

The really annoying thing is he had three nights in a row out last month - so I had to put both kids to bed for 3 nights. And it was fine!

But no, I'm not allowed now as she can't take the 'risk'.

He invokes the fact that I was a total cow while sleep deprived - which is true, I was. But there's also a part of me that feels like he's trying to get his own back, on some level, as I refused to let him help as I was bf-ing her and she wouldn't take a bottle. I kind of feel like I'm being punished.

Thanks flilthy, she is a full-on girl, that's for sure! Nice to know we're not alone! I do so love her but my, she does get frustrated. She's getting better the more she can communicate but sometimes...

Yup know how that feels! I love my little man to bits, but god he;s hard work, I thought he would never sleep, then when he did we enter the tyrannical twos, 4 months early!! I can't leave a room, get out of the car, pretty much anything really. Some very nice mum told me its because they are very self aware and need an audience but will grow into gorgeous, caring , empathetic older kids, so keeping that on file to stay strong. By the way I have a 19 year old - he was the most laid back, easy going baby ever, still is really, so using that to assure myself its not me, just personality!!!