DH alcoholic? What to do

[AprilFalls]

DH doesn't drink all the time but when he does he drinks a fair amount. Doesn't get embarrassing/loud/violent/nasty or anything. But he hides the evidence.

Empty beer cans in the cupboard/outside, drinks while walking to the pub (ie buys a 4 pack on way there, its a 5 min walk!). Drinks while walking back from the pub I think he's having a 4 pack when actually he's bought 8 or 12 but is swapping them over in the kitchen so I don't realise. Found bottles (empty) of wine in the car, not drink driving but hiding them there.

Had many rows over the 10 years (and 3 dc) we have been together. Always promises to stop, or at least stop hiding it, I don't really bother about him drinking but its the lies and the hiding of evidence that annoys me.

He did it again this week. He is currently away for the next two weeks and I have told him not to come back I've had enough of the lies and never knowing what I'll find if I open the bin, open the cupboard, move the box outside etc etc.

My friend says its a disease/illness and he can't help it. DH has said he'll go to AA.

Any help? Anyone else been through this? Am a bit broken hearted that each time he swears he loves me/dc and won't do it again then the very next night, does

You often hear alcoholics say things like "I don't have a problem, after all a real alcoholic starts the day with whiskey on his cornflakes / is a homeless permanently drunk tramp / won't get out of bed without a couple of bottles of vodka down the hatch / etc". When what they really mean is "I'm setting the bar for alcoholism at a level of drinking above that which I will admit to drinking myself because, that way, I can convince myself I don't need to stop."

Gignerwrath, I'm sure my ex would be delighted to hear that she's not an alcoholic because she doesn't always start the day with a drink.

I imagine the years of her sticking away well over a hundred units of alcohol a week, the blackouts, the hallucinations, the convulsions, the liver damage, the alcoholic ketoacidosis, the numerous hospital stays, the weeks in detox and rehab and the countless hours in AA are presumably all just because she's got a bit of a "habit".

Or, you're talking out of your arse. It's one of the two.

My DH is a sober alcoholic. (22 years sober).

I've just texted him at work about the definition of an alcoholic and he says its b**locks to say you have to be physically dependant on alcohol to be an alcoholic. He rarely swears btw, has to be really cross about something!

He says that AA produce something called the 20 questions, and if you can answer 3 or more with a yes, they suggest you may be an alcoholic. I've just googled it, there is a link here if you want to read it. (Not sure if it is the most official site, but definitely the right list of questions!)

He also says for him, the thing that helped him decide was someone asking him 'is alcohol costing you more than money?' (this is another AA phrase).

He does quite a lot of those call outs where members of AA go and visit someone/ take them to a meeting etc and he thinks it is absolutely pointless for someone to go to AA until they are ready- it unfortunately doesn't matter if everyone else in their lives is desperate for them to be ready- it won't work until they are.

With this in mind i'd concentrate on looking after your children and not letting your dh home at the moment- the only way you can help him is to demonstrate to him what alcohol is costing him. If you insulate him from the consequences, you remove from him the imepetus to recover.

I hope that doesn't sound really harsh, i'm aware it would be very, very difficult to do that. As others have said, Al-Anon would be able to offer you support.

sorry impetus not imepetus!

My FIL is an alcoholic and has been for at least 30 years. He holds down a job, doesn't fall in gutters and isn't violent. He is nearly 70 and won't retire because his job allows him access to cheap booze. My MIL refuses to accept that he is an alcoholic because he doesn't pour whiskey on his cornflakes and hit people. She copes by insisting everybody around him drinks to mask how much he is putting away. He has liver disease and a million and one other health problems, but does not accept drinking half a bottle of whiskey a day plus wine/beer is the cause of this.

My DH is also rather fond of a drink but recognises that he has to be very careful because of either nurture or nature he doesn't have the same off switch as other people. It took a long time for him to realise this, but now that he has he is able to drink within moderation. To give you an example of what he used to do ....if going to the bar to get drinks he would buy 2 for himself so he didn't have to queue up again so quickly. Of course he drank both in the time it took everyone else to drink one. It really hit home when we had children and he realised he didn't want to be like his Dad.

Does your DH have alcoholics in his family? If he does it may be a good starting point for a discussion about drinking habits. Good luck - but if he won't accept that he has a problem then nothing you do will stop him.

i am really sorry, but i have EXTENSIVE experience with this. he is unlikely to change despite him really believing that he will promising you in the meantime. the amount of times i heard, i won't tell you, i'll show you with my actions.. they are just words, and it will destroy you in the process. my EXH only changed the minute i threw him out. that was rock bottom for him but too late for me. i had to think about myself and the DCs. sorry, horrible situation, but i haven't looked back

I have to agree with thatstripedthing. I lived with an alcoholic for ten years and he told me weekly that he would stop but in the end it boiled down to the fact he loved the booze more than he loved me and the dc.

I kicked him out on Christmas Eve 2003 and have never looked back. He never did stop drinking and it killed him in the end but to be honest if he had have agreed to get help whilst we were married I wouldn't have stayed with him because the lies and the constant deception meant I could never ever have trusted him.

As a wife to an alcoholic its demoralising, draining, and makes you a lesser person while you worry and concern yourself with the alcoholic and not yourself. When I read stories like yours that familair feeling of dread I had daily returns just for a brief moment and I thank my lucky stars I had the strength to get out and move on.

good luck
x

Got to type quickly, dc are here.

I'm sorry if I gave them impression he's drunk every day at the weekend, he's not at all. He starts drinking anytime from say 5 - 7pm, and isn't drunk at all when the children are up. It's after they've gone to bed, or he's out with friends etc.

Even when he is drinking he never seems drunk, even in the evenings (or rather very rarely seems drunk), he could prob drink about 10 pints without even slurring his words.

Thats one of the problems I have in that his drinking doesn't really effect our lives - he's not nasty, loud, mean, or anything at all when he's drinking, just totally normal. That's a problem because it gives me less impetus to do something about it iyswim!

Where there is/was a problem was with him drink driving. I believe he's stopped (I withold the car keys if he's going out anywhere near a pub) but if I wasn't there to stop him then I'm sure he actually would do it again.

I'll try to work out roughly how many unitshes drinking a week if I can and come back later. I don't drink at all so I'm worried maybe I'm just being a twat over this? Then I remember the lying/hiding cans/drink driving etc

I'm so confused. Part of me thinks 'oh god this is terrible' then the other part thinks 'hang on its not that bad'

His drinking does not effect our lives in terms of money or violence/meanness/hangovers/not taking care of dc. He's brilliant with dc - does all the washing, cooking, getting ready for school, bedtimes etc. Is very patient and loving.

We get on really well. The one sticking point is the lying. Its very upsetting never knowing what I'm going to see when I open a cupboard, move the bins etc.

When I met him he was drinking a bottle of wine and 4 cans before I got to his for a night out, then say 8 pints when we were out. I knew nothing about the drinking before I arrived obviously. These days its much, much less but the lying and hiding cans is still happening.

I've spoken to him and he's seeing the gp tomorrow.

The reason this has all flared up again is we went out with my friends. Before we went out he had one can. Within an hour and a half of being out and about 5 pints, he was slurring his words. This is really strange for him. It later turned out he'd actually had 5/6 cans before we even left but had hid the evidence and pretended to me it was the one can. He started about 30 mins before we went out so drank all those in that time

I too have experience of this. Unfortunately in my case it was empty promises to give up, and he preferred alcohol to seeing his child's first steps etc. His loss. I do hope he does see the GP, and maybe uncovers the reason he started all this in the first place as that may be the key. Some people are able to cut down, but my ex and by the sounds of it your DH need to stop completely. This will not be easy, and if he thinks he can get away with it then he will lie and he will try to hide alcohol. As has been mentioned, rock bottom has to occur. For my ex, he had 2 heart attacks which prompted him to stop - but even that lasted just a few months Makes me very for my DS.
Make sure you get the support that you need for yourself. I'm sorry if this post doesn't read as it is meant - I am trying to be supportive and constructive- but am tired and stressed and it may not come out right

Don't make him stop immediately- he may fit and get seriously ill. If he drinks in secerate how do u know he isn't drinking on his commute to work?

It only takes him to hide booze somewhere kids can get to it for there to be a disaster.

He needs to engage with alcohol services- what town do you live in? You can google?

AA doesn't work for everyone but there's a lot of other schemes- intuitive recovery, acupuncture etc will be available free at your local service.

It sounds as though he needs professional help- recovery, detox etc can be done from home.

You can not make him do this. You can only do what is right by your children- they are the ones who need your mothering not your Dh.

If he doesn't do this on his own back he will relapse.

yes, sorry - but i think you are in major denial.i've been there, done that, got the t shirt and heard it all from my family (friends were far too nice). don't let yourself get dragged into oblivion because that is where it is heading - without doubt. this level of drinking is not normal (nor is it part of his masculinity, a common theme in our house...) save yourself, for the sake of your children, before it is too late. it's only once you are out of it you will realise how nuts the situaton is.

i meant to add - i cringe now at the things that i used to defend as 'normal'

It's weird isn't it, the normalising you do? My best friend shakes her head in disbelief when I tell her 'he's done it again'. We sort of joke about it (because its weekly) but its actually not funny.

The worst for me was at a retirement party for my mum, this is years ago now, but he was driving and had one pint over the evening. I got thirsty and as we were leaving asked him for some of his lemonade. I tasted it and it was vodka Had nothing like that for a while but still makes me feel sick when I think about it.

Thing is I know lots of people who share a bottle of wine over dinner each night, so is his drinking that bad? I think he prob has say 8 cans Fri, Sat, Sun night and then maybe 2 bottles or 4 cans say another 3 nights a week? I just worked it out and I think it might be on average 60/70 units a week.

Jesus Christ Belgian That is horrible for you and your dc. I'm sending you virtual hugs xxx

You were right there is more, the extra bit I now know is that often there is a half bottle of wine (the little mini ones) as well as the cans/bottles in the week. This is what he's currently 'admitting' to, maybe like with an affair you find out more and more?

My uncle just emailed me, he's being really nice and I'm going to call him tomorrow (he's the AA guy), so fingers crossed.

Aprilfalls,

What do you get out of this relationship now?

You have a choice re this man ultimately, your children do not. They growing up within such a household will ultimately do them no favours and you could also damage your relationship with them (in that in later years they could well wonder why you put him before them). He has probbaly told you time and again that he'll go to AA etc but words are cheap. Its actions that matter and at present you are currently propping him and your family unit up at great cost to your own self. You are his enabler within all this.

The 3cs re alcoholism are ones you would do well to remember:-

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

I would also read up on codependency as there are often elements of this within such relationships. A book called Codependent No More written by Melodie Beattie is good.

I would also suggest Al-anon for you and read their literature.

My husband was alcohol dependent for the many years that I knew him (ca. 16 years). For the longest time, it was only a few, but six years ago things really began to degenerate. I only started to realise something might be wrong when I was pregnant, but it wasn't until our daughter was around 2 that I discovered he was drinking throughout the day - and driving drunk with her in the car. He'd routinely drive out somewhere with her and then fall asleep with her in the car... along with a few cans. And probably a bottle of cheap Sainsbury's whiskey as well. Needless to say I was horrified and removed her from his care. A wrecked car, court case and several police incidents later, he sought help through our local drug and alcohol service. He was referred by his GP - after much pressure from both the GP and me. We had to force him to admit he had a problem because it was clearly taking a toll on his health - and on our family. This is the first thing we did. But it took a lot longer than that to get him better. I'm accessing treatment as well. Our local drug and alcohol service has provided me (the carer) with a counsellor. I've never managed to make it to an Al-Anon meeting, since I'm a single mum now with limited childcare. Still, through forums like these, I've found I've managed to find some support from people who've been there before me.

"Thing is I know lots of people who share a bottle of wine over dinner each night, so is his drinking that bad?"

Because he lies about drinking, so you have no idea how much he drinks.

He was secretly drinking vodka all night when he was the designated driver?

That's a fuck of a lot worse than sharing a bottle of wine every night.

And it shows that he does drink spirits, but that it is hidden from you.