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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

People remarrying/in LTR after divorce?

22 replies

soontobedivorced · 14/08/2012 20:30

Been separated 2 years now, been on dating sites 1 year, really want to find love again (was flogging a dead horse in my marriage for a long time before we called it quits and probably ten years of feeling like a housekeeper rather than a wife). But having no luck so far and so worried that I will never again find love. Do most people find long term relationships again? I'm 40. Please reassure me someone!!

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sarahseashell · 14/08/2012 20:34

statistically something like three quarters do don't they? might take a few years but people can find love at any age, so don't worry. Take some time to enjoy being single because you might wish you had otherwise when you meet the next husband Wink

soontobedivorced · 14/08/2012 20:34

PS and seem to be contacted by a lot of men just wanting "one thing" - is this normal? Dating sites seem to be inundated with them. Either that or the other extreme of guys wanting to marry me tomorrow (also make me run in the opposite direction). Losing faith that there are any decent unattached men still out there!!!

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soontobedivorced · 14/08/2012 20:36

Is it 3/4? That is reassuring, thanks Sarah. The only single divorced women I know are having as much luck as me and they've been looking longer as well! Sarah, what do you mean enjoy being single? Don't really get the concept lol.

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Tolpuddlemartyr · 14/08/2012 20:39

A year's not long is it?
How old were you when you married?
Did you kiss a lot of frogs in your teens or 20s? That's how it's going to be again , most likely. I think it's a bit scary TBH if people hitch up too soon after a divorce.

OhWesternWind · 14/08/2012 20:40

3/4 is very reassuring! I am in the same boat as you and haven't had any luck so far but it's very early days. I haven't had any sex pests either, or people wanting to marry me - what am I doing wrong?? Grin

Inyourhippyhat · 14/08/2012 20:41

Enjoy being independent i.e. not dependent on anyone else. Enjoy not having to check with someone else before going out. Freedom to eat what you want, when you want. Your money is your own. It takes time to appreciation those things but once you do, it's great!

soontobedivorced · 14/08/2012 20:57

I married young, he was my first and only boyfriend, met at 18, married by 22. So I never dated before and really don't know what I am doing!

I'm not looking to get married tomorrow, or maybe never, but I so much want a connection with someone, the friendship, the cuddles. After so many years in a relationship gone cold I just miss it so much and now I'm finally free I really want it. I just want that more than anything. When I'm talking with someone on one of the sites I'm really happy as I have hope, but then when it all goes pear-shaped, red flags of various sorts, I'm not going to settle/compromise, I'm not that desperate, I just lose hope again :( I feel I have so much to give and really want to share my life with someone and find someone to love and who genuinely loves me.

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maleview70 · 14/08/2012 21:01

Alot of unattached men are single for a reason! The Internet has opened up opportunity for them and they play the field hence the endless requests for a shag.

soontobedivorced · 14/08/2012 21:04

Yes, I am finding that too maleview :(

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soontobedivorced · 14/08/2012 21:06

Hence the request for statistics...a not-so-king married male friend told me all unattached guys are unattached for a reason and most likely dysfunctional. I like to think there must be decent divorced men out there who were either mistreated by their spouse, or whose marriage came to an end through no fault of their own, like mine.

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soontobedivorced · 14/08/2012 21:07

kind not king!

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Tolpuddlemartyr · 14/08/2012 21:09

When I'm talking with someone on one of the sites I'm really happy as I have hope, but then when it all goes pear-shaped, red flags of various sorts, I'm not going to settle/compromise

This is just dating really.
I was over 30 when I married so had lots of red flags, and disappointments from age 14!
No easy answer- you just have to keep going.

Don't rely on dating sites- old advice- join clubs, learn new hobbies, volunteer- meet men and women from different areas of your life, and stop looking so hard!

MrsJREwing · 14/08/2012 21:12

I gave up dating sites too.

soontobedivorced · 14/08/2012 21:22

Puddlemartyr - that's what people keep telling me. easier said though. I've actually come off all dating sites at the moment just to take a break. I have joined social groups but as I only have 2 nights a week without kids and also want to see my female friends hard to fit in many social opportunities.

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soontobedivorced · 14/08/2012 21:23

MrsJREwing - have you given up looking completely? Did you find anyone in the end?

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MrsJREwing · 14/08/2012 21:53

I did date nothing serious, to be fair I wasn't well, I would like to meet someone one day, its not my number one goal go life. I wouldn't move in with anymore until my kids left home due to failure of blended family failure when I was a teenager, problem was my mum and step sister not getting on and a wanking step brother.

soontobedivorced · 14/08/2012 21:54

Sorry to hear that MrsJREwing, sounds like you had a tough time there.

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MrsJREwing · 14/08/2012 21:58

My stepdad is a nice man, they live apart and are together. I don't relish the thought of living with a man as apart from my step dad they have all treated me badly, my stepfather is the only decent male role model for me and my kids, so not all bad.

soontobedivorced · 14/08/2012 22:02

Again, sorry to hear that, sounds like you've been unlucky :(

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thegreylady · 14/08/2012 22:05

I divorced in 1968 when I was 24-remarried in 1969-widowed in 1987 and remarried in 1988 at the age of 44.I have found lasting happiness with no 3[silver wedding next year :)].

rightchoice2 · 14/08/2012 22:14

In my view eveything has changed in the last decade. Ten years ago dating web sites were few and far between and maybe genuine, with real heartening outcomes. Today it seems that everyone is using one. My friend was on one recently and was showing me her options, it was a Sunday night and there were 71,000 men on line on one website alone! The ones in Batman outfits were probably married of course!!

All my friends who were/are on dating web sites, were/are desperate for a relationship and were/are meeting guys who were previously married, or newly separated, have a couple of children to support, and probably treated their wife like a housekkeeper, who knows one of them was maybe your ex!!

Obviously it is unlikely you will meet someone totally free of heartache, now they and you are in their 40's. Things are not the same as life as little as a decade ago, life has moved on, nothing is the same as life was the way you may have met with your first boyfriend, the baggage has accumulated, they have had their fingers burnt, have a few children and a mortgage or two to pay. Of course they want sex, and get it quite easily, they simply press delete then move on to the next. So many of my friends find the time spent on dating web sites frustrating to say the least.

Recently another friend joined one of the free web sites, and in 24 hours had 200 hits, and a few Batman outfits too!!

Stuff happens to couples, being desperate is not a good look. Try enjoying your freedom, coupledom comes at a price. Remember how you yearned to be free, well you are now just enjoy it. Come off the dating web sites. Get out, go dancing, join a gym, go for a swim, eat out, have fun. When my friend finally gave up the dating sites, guess what she met someone the old fashioned way, having lunch in the pub with friends, and glancing at each other across a crowded room. He was already someone's ex husband, but he is now her boyfriend and they are having fun.

soontobedivorced · 14/08/2012 22:36

wise words, rightchoice2, thank you

and greylady, thanks for giving me hope with your story - I'm so sorry you were widowed

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