How do I help my husband cope with his mum's illness?

[AmelieRose]

I don't know if anyone will have any suggestions that I haven't already tried but would like a neutral perspective on this please. Sorry for the really long post in advance!

My MIL lives about 250 miles away in the same area as the rest of DH's family. We used to live nearby, but moved into the same area as my family 6 years ago.

My MIL was diagnosed with quite an aggressive form of cancer a couple of months before our wedding (wedding took place about 5 months ago). They tried to operate, was worse than they thought, so was treated with radiotherapy. She recovered and seemed fairly well. However at our wedding she had to leave after the speeches - having not eaten or drank anything - because she was experiencing what she referred to as back pain. I was fairly suspicious about this but let it go as she didn't want a fuss made. We went on honeymoon the next day, kept in regular contact, were assured she was ok. On our return found out she has all kinds of secondary cancers and that she had to start chemotherapy immediately. This seems to be having some effect, but she has lost a lot of weight, has been sickly, not eating etc. Frustratingly don't know about her prognosis etc because although my husband's sister and stepdad are lovely, they are both a bit dizzy and obviously very emotionally involved. MIL seems to me to be trying to downplay the situation, won't give me a straight answer and seems to be trying to 'protect' everyone (husband is almost 40 and sister a few years younger so I think this is a bit misguided).

The issue is that my husband has not seen his mum since our wedding day. He doesn't cope with these kind of situations very well and bottles up his feelings. I don't understand this - and it has caused lots of arguments. I have tried so hard not to argue with him about it but he finds it hard to talk about it without lashing out at me (I understand this is part of the way he is dealing with it). It eventually came out that he is worried about seeing her in case she looks too ill (?!) and he is scared that she is going to die... he keeps making plans to visit, but then cancels them after finding an excuse. I have tried everything to persuade him - gentle cajoling, offering to drive him there (he doesn't drive), pay for train tickets... I'm conscious not to talk about it all the time but I'm worried about what will happen if things take a turn for the worst and he hasn't spent much time with her. I know it will be awful.

The worst thing is - and I really regret this - after a few glasses of wine I shouted at him "When your mum dies you will regret not spending more time with her!" which is just horrible really - but I feel like I am getting to the end of my tether with it all. My sister says she thinks I need to leave him to it, but I can see how much he's struggling to cope with it and it's really upsetting...

Oh - I should have said I have seen MIL several times by myself.

I don't know that there is much else you can do. You have said your piece, and FWIW I would be thinking, if not saying, the same as you.
It must be enormously frustrating.

But you simply can't control his reactions to this. All you can do is be supportive.

I think you maybe need to talk calmly to him and ask why he hasn't seen her in so long.

He may well be almost withdrawing From her already as he's trying to protect himself?

Thanks Viva - I have tried this, but unfortunately he's started saying 'just leave it' and getting incredibly annoyed. This is not like him at all by the way - he's never acted like this before and we've been together nearly ten years.

I think he's so deep in denial about how sick she is he thinks it might burst the bubble if he sees her.

I feel for your husband, my Mum has an aggressive cancer and it is devastating and hard to know where to put your head. My Mum was diagnosed when I was pregnant and is currently OK. I found it hard to see her to begin with because of being pregnant and scared about coping, but I have worked through that.

Why don't you try ringing the Macmillan helpline? This is a common situation and they might have ideas, or even materials that could help you both, and help him to deal with the reality of the situation.

Just google 'Macmillan helpline' (I don't know how to post links)

I think maybe it's the opposite. He's building up fantasies about how bad she may be/look and just wants to push it away. I know a couple of people who simply cannot cope with the idea of illness and death. Are very fearful.

I second MacMillan. They helped my Nan enormously when she was dying.

Thanks crazyhead. That's a great idea - I hadn't thought of that. It's so hard because it's impacting on every aspect of our lives, and I'm also worried about his sister coping with things by herself - she could do with his help.

His mum can sometimes be quite snappy with him on the phone because when he speaks to her all he wants to talk about is her illness - I understand why he does this, but she hates being treated only like a sick person. I've tried (gently) explaining to him that he needs to try to talk to her about other things but it's really difficult.

I think you're right Jamie. For example how he reacted to this - she was taken into hospital at the weekend with early onset of pneumonia - she's ok, they caught it early - and has had to have several blood transfusions because her white cell count is low. When I used the word 'transfusion' he said I was over exaggerating - I explained that was the correct term, then he said 'but she's put on half a stone, she's eating lots, everyone says she looks good...'.

It's like he's clutching at straws. I tried to explain that everyone means she looks ok within the context of cancer but he doesn't seem to hear it.

Just re-read that - doesn't make sense! I mean he basically implied I was making up the fact that she had a transfusion and that I was exaggerating how ill she was.