People who endlessly big themselves up...

[DeliciousIrony]

Does anyone else have friends who do this? I have one particular friend who I was very close to through secondary school. Now we are in our twenties and still see each other fairly frequently, but I feel there is an increasing distance between us. I know that this is to be expected as we get older and our lives change, but I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't just cut this friendship short anyway. One of my main irritations is her habit of dominating every conversation with talk of herself, and not-so-stealthily bragging by telling me what other people have said to her.

I had a ten minute conversation with her the other day, in which she managed to tell me:
How beautiful everyone had told her she looked at a wedding recently
That an amazing number of men have asked her out recently (none of whom she would name)
How a work colleague couldn't believe how astutely she had 'psychoanalysed' them
How good everyone says she is at her job, and how she swiftly put someone else swiftly in his place for daring to suggest he is on equal ranking, or above, to her (he is technically her supervisor and gets paid more).

And that was it.

Most conversations with her, alone or in a group, seem to revolve around her, compliments she claims people have given her, or sympathy people have given her for various 'hardships' she has suffered, with general heavy implication that she struggles with so much more than anyone else she knows.

I think she has always been like this to some extent, but it seems to be getting worse, when I thought that by this age, she might have grown up a bit and wouldn't need such constant self-assurance. My patience is just wearing a bit thin; I know that her behaviour could well indicate a deep-seated insecurity, but it comes across as arrogance far too often. I am just bewildered that a reasonably intelligent person can lack such self-awareness, and not realise how she comes across (other people are put off from socialising with her).

Does anyone else know people like this? Is there any way to brooch the subject of constant 'stealth' bragging without it ending up in an argument and resentment?

No. I'm much better at picking friends than that.

I don't know what the solution is but I certainly know people like this.
Or nearly as bad, when people don't necessarily brag to the extent of your friend, but just take no interest in the other person. Unortunately one of my in-laws is like this and one family member. Everyone is sure the in-law has aspergers.

Oh God she sounds dreadful,stop being mates if it wears you down, life is too short.

Have no solution but she sounds like she'd get on famously with my ex... He is exactly the same. It's infuriating.

I think in their 20s people are more competitive than in later years if it's any consolation

This is how we have to live our lives now, endlessly 'on show' and in 'interview' mode,or facebook show offy mode, always the best, achiving and over achieving constantly and in every conceivable area. Its exhausting. You have my sympathy (and fwiw, I'd drop her) but she has my sympathy too, dealing with all that insecurity.

A friends husband does this,but I dont see him that often.I think other people put up with it too.He feels insecure,so tries to compensate by coming out with a lot of rather useless facts.

Personally,op,I would try and have a very tactful,diplomatic conversation with her about it.She probably knows she does it,and why,but it sounds like she is already losing friends over it anyway,so you could see if you could manage to help her about it all.

What yellowvan says. I had a friend like that. I liked her in many ways, she was fun. But the bigging herself up was annoying, though not as extreme as your friend. Also, when its all about them, it can end up making you feel like the proverbial shit on their shoes. Notice how you feel when you next have a conversation with you ... My friend was competitive in weird ways, not interested in good things that happened to me, and I could never trust her with anything !

you next have a conversation with her, I mean!

Sounds like my sister. I don't think she actually draws breath as she updates me with examples of her supriority. It is exhausting and TBH a really off putting character trait.

The words that spring to mind are:

Insecurity, narcissism, self absorbed.

It must be very draining for you. Yes, I have known fortunately only a handful of people like this and as a result am rid of them. Not sure how you'll confront her on it though, she'll deny it or accuse you of being jealous/ a bitch/ a crap friend. Good luck.

Obviously, that last bit is from my own experience. I should have said that she might do all those things but you know her not me.

She managed all that in 10 minutes? That's a very big head she's got there

But yes, self-congratulation is my least favourite trait.

I think we think they're insecure?.but IME it's more often arrogance. Maybe even a touch of narcissism. They really do think they're very special, and that people need to be informed about it!

It's quite poleaxing when it dawns on you that it's not a front concealing a lack of confidence, but their honest opinion of their own worth (and by extension, yours.... )

You could try an honest talk; but if she's like the types I've seen, she may be quite oblivious of the effect she's having, and will most likely think you are the one with the problem.

My mother does this. It's hideous. It's bad enough when she does it to me, but it's excruciating watching her do it to others. She was doing it at a family party last weekend- the stony silence was painful.

I suppose it depends if she has any redeeming qualities.
I do have a friend with whom having any conversation with is a bit like a competition.
for example I might say....(for example) - oh DS broke his arm and had to go to hospital and.....
(friend interuppts) - oh MY DS broke his arm REALLY badly when we were climbing Poppocatopetl mountain last summer - he nearly died...etc etc...the doctor said it was amazing he still has an arm....etc etc...what were you saying?
but on the other hand she is also genuinely sweet and good fun.

Her behaviour isn't normal.
She sounds narcissistic, or possibly autistic - a symptom of aspergers is talking, a lot, often about one concentrated subject, and not understanding other peoples needs/wants, often coming off as arrogant.

She is neither Autistic nor Narcissistic.

She is probably just a slightly insecure but extreme nobber.

A true Narc would be secure enough in her superiority to not have to tell you how fantastic she is.

She may or may not grow out of it- either way - it's unnecessary, tedious & everyone that knows her will not disagree with you.

Self-aggrandising nonsense only ever gets you far if you mix with other deluded fools.

Leave her to it.

Exagurating ones achievments and self importance are traits that appear in narcissists precisely because they have no self esteem or real confidence, listencuntome. It is one of the main symptoms of narcisstic personality disorder.

Of course, other than the "true narcs" line, you may be absolutely correct, she may just be a massive twat.

However, as someone who struggles socially due to a personality disorder, I think it would be best, if OP is not willing to confront the behaviour in order to look deeper into it, that she ends the friendship. It is not nice discovering that people have just been putting up with you. Especially if you are like me and don't even know what you're actually doing wrong.

I agree, it can be about narcissistic traits, I decided my friend definitely had them, self-absorbed etc.

NPD (as a personality disorder) I think is a completely different kettle of fish IME in that it is definitely more extreme.

Do we have the same friend?

I combat this by rarely seeing her and when I do taking the piss mercilessly when she gets going about how much she earns an hours, how attractive she is, how many men are in love with her, how brilliant a dancer she is etc.

I don't remember her being that bad when we were younger but it's certainly got more extreme the older we get.

I have a theory which is completely unfactual and made up that the older you get, aspects of your personality become more exaggerated.

I'd swear you were describing my mother if it wasn't for the age you mentioned :) Absolutely no point discussing this with her, it won't change and it will become a big drama all about how much you have upset her. - spend less time with her if she is annoying, you are on a hiding to nothing trying to change her x