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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

need help before I ruin best relationship I've had, due to my messed up head

20 replies

namechangedjustforthis · 14/08/2012 15:17

History.. I was raped as a child. My two youngest children were sexually abused when they were young, not rape but obviously any abuse is serious. I left straight away. My partners dad is a convicted sex offender and has to see social work every week. I have never met him and would never, neither have my children and again I will never allow that.my partner still helps out his dad, takes him to meetings etc, but hates what he has done. Now the dad has done something else and police involved again, and we were discussing it and he said "he's on the register but he is not really a sex offender as he couldn't even get it up even if he wanted too.. And he has never actually touched anyone" (his dad is very old mid 80's now) I lost the plot at that.. I felt like he was minimising what he is, what he has done, and its made me see him in a totally different light. He is the kindest man I've ever met, known him 2 years now, but to me that is like a big neon warning sign?? He says its because of my past I'm over reacting? And I know I do worry about my kids more than most about trusting people near them because the person who did it to them wasn't the steriotypical pervert, and was someone who I would never have imagined to be a threat. I'm not sure if my heads obviosly still messed up and I'm now judging him by his dads behavior?

OP posts:

Original poster

namechangedjustforthis · 14/08/2012 15:17

Sorry on my phone and its not come up with my paragraphs

OP posts:

MissFaversam · 14/08/2012 15:23

Listen to your neon warning signs here OP. Your partner is mimising his father's abuse.

glasscompletelybroken · 14/08/2012 15:27

You're not judging him by his dads behaviour - you are judging him for his completely inappropriate response to it and I agree with MissF - listen to your neon warning signs.

NigellaLawless · 14/08/2012 15:27

You are absolutely NOT over reacting!

In your shoes I would end this relationship immediately! If he does not acknowledge the risks his father poses, then your partner is not a safe person to have around your children!

I'm sorry to be so blunt! I realise its very easy for me to write that but much harder for you to do!

Also I would be very suspicious of the way he is 'blaming' you and suggesting you are being unreasonable in your reaction.

There are far better (and safer) men in the world than this!

MardyArsedMidlander · 14/08/2012 15:30

Neon warning???? Big RED FLAG more like. Sorry to be crude- but abusers do not need an erect penis to abuse.

I URGE you to step far away from this man and his messed up family and get some counselling for yourself. I find it deeply concerning that you have gone from one abusive situation to another set up where there is child abuse.

tara0202 · 14/08/2012 15:34

I totally agree with Nigella above.

He is not safe around your children if he cannot see the risks his father presents.

Yama · 14/08/2012 15:35

What he said is pretty shocking. Not just the minimising but the wording. He used language like "get it up" in relation to child abuse.

He then blames your past.

You are not overreacting.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 14/08/2012 15:35

This is not the best relationship you've ever had, if it is with a man who minimises sexual abuse.

He has his own reasons for doing so (wanting to maintain a certain image of his dad). But that is emotional baggage which is completely incompatible with you, as a person who has experienced and whose children have experienced this kind of abuse.

I'm sorry, but he's not the right man for you.

Krumbum · 14/08/2012 15:38

You are not over reacting. I think any parent would feel the same. He may not want to believe what his dad had done but it is incredibly important that he does realise the gravity. The fact he is making out like you are over the top would be a warning sign for me, Hes using your experiences of abuse against you.

FateLovesTheFearless · 14/08/2012 15:43

Some family members just cannot accept what their relation has done. They do bury their heads in the sand. That doesn't make it okay to accuse you of over reacting. Even if you were, which you aren't, he should understand that after being abused, you never trust anyone 100% again when it comes to your kids.

You have been with him two years. I think the question is whether you feel he has ever minimised what happened to you. If its just where his father is concerned then to me he is just blinded by the fact it's his father. You need to make it clear to him that relation or not, ability or not, anyone that has a history of abusing has no excuse and shouldn't have any made for them.

Original poster

namechangedjustforthis · 15/08/2012 00:17

I sent him a text.. Things like this I can't talk about in person, told him how upset I still am about what he said. He apologised and said I'm right and he is sorry he upset me due to my past, told him its nothing to do with my past and what he said disgusts me. I then listed all the things his dad has done (to multiple people adults and children) and asked how he could possible say he is not a sex offender, but then he got all defensive and said I was judging him and tarring him with the same brush etc and he went in a woe is me mood, I've upset him.. Because I said I was disgusted with what he said, he's turned it around to me saying he disgusts me, and glad he knows how I feel about him, Last message I sent I wrote I won't apologis for how I feel, and I won't apologise for not sweeping it under the carpet like he and his family do. Any more thoughts?

OP posts:

ShesADreamer · 15/08/2012 03:39

I have no past to make me 'oversensitive' about these issues and, just on the basis of your OP (so no idea of the extent of your DP's father's abusing) I instinctively recoiled.

You are definitely not overreacting.

I do feel for your DP as it must be awful having a parent who has caused such pain and misery to others but trying to make it go away through denial is not going to work.

Using 'get it up' in relation to the desire to abuse, coupled with his insistence that you are the unreasonable one here are both really troubling.

His attempts to make you feel guilty about your natural disgust at his father's actions, plus his babyish sulking are very strange too.

It's also weird how he's equating your feelings about his father with your feelings about him. Very odd.

Are these responses usual for him or totally out of character? I'm just asking as they seem very childish and slightly hysterical. It sounds like you've hit a very raw nerve.

I think your DP may be as much a victim of his father's actions as others more directly damaged.

Even if he was never abused, I cannot imagine how hard it must be to have had such an evil influence as a parent.

Do you think this man would be able to take a long hard look at himself and address this awful legacy?

Could you cope with supporting him through it after all the terrible experiences you've already managed to put behind you?

OhNoMyFoot · 15/08/2012 03:44

I don't understand why he is saying you said he is like his dad when you listed what his dad has done. Is there any chance that this man is telling you what he is really like?

CailinDana · 15/08/2012 08:12

I think your messages were spot on OP. He sounds manipulative. Rather than just accepting that what he said was wrong, he's still trying to make out that you're reacting "because of your past" and that your totally justified comments are a nasty attack on him. He is actually angling for you to apologise and is hoping to manipulate you into letting the whole thing go. He is obviously struggling with the fact that his father is a sex offender, but that's no excuse for how he is behaving towards you, particularly as he knows what happened to you and your children.

Time to get rid I think :(

Yama · 15/08/2012 09:07

Using your past to try to get you to question your own judgement is an awful thing to do to you.

pumpkinsweetie · 15/08/2012 09:14

Red flag time im afraid, someone that minimises sexual abuse is not someone i would want to be with.
Im worried as to why he still wants a relationship with his father after all these things have come to light.
I also think him bringing up your past to make excuse for what his father did is absolutely shocking !!!

PooPooOnMars · 15/08/2012 09:23

Gosh! You were raped, your children were abused (not by the same person i assume) and your boyfriends dad is a pedophile as well!

That's a lot of abusers in your life! I would have thought much more then the average.

Im am not even remotely saying that any of it is your fault but it might be a good idea to look at (probably with professional help) the sort of people you are drawn to.

I know from my own experience that i am drawn to controlling abusive people, friends and partners, not really sure how, but have somehow managed to stop the cycle.

lazarusb · 15/08/2012 12:31

You don't need to have been abused to be disgusted and angry at what he said. His reaction, essentially blaming you for being angry is a big red flag imo. I think you should end this, for the sake of your own sanity. There are millions of men out there who are better than him and won't throw your past in your face.

SundaysGirl · 15/08/2012 12:41

It sounds as though your partner needs some therapy to help him deal with all of the emotions he has regarding what his father has done. It must be terribly hard to know his father did these things and I think it is telling he has now assumed you are saying HE disgusts you, not his father. He has probably linked his own self to his fathers actions and I would imagine needs help to come to terms with it all. Minimising is understandable but NOT acceptable.

I have never been abused nor has my child but if a partner of mine had a father who had done these things and they minimised and used language like your partner did (particularly the 'getting it up' phrase) I would be very disgusted and have exactly the same reaction you have had, it is NOT an over-reaction at all.

I think that it might be a wise idea to distance yourself from this relationship until at the very least your partner has sought help to deal with these issues, if not altogether. The very fact a man who is supposed to be someone you can trust and feel supported by is instead helping to trigger you and blame your past for reactions ANYONE would have is reason enough, no matter how (potentially) understandable his views are.

NigellaLawless · 15/08/2012 18:41

Well done for sending those texts and especially well done for not letting him manipulate you into apologizing for sending them!

Nothing he has done since your OP makes me think he is any less of a risk to your children or any better of a partner to you!

It is not normal for the child of an abuser (especially such a prolific one) to continue to actively support them!

Perhaps he does need therapy himself to resolve his feelings about his father, but he needs to do this in his own time and you should not be supporting him through it!

You have to take care of your children and yourself. This man is no good for any of you right now. He has shown himself to minimise the impact of sexual abuse and to manipulate and shift blame on to you.

You can find a much better man than this (if you want to that is; there is nothing wrong with being happy to be single after all)

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