Shocked and sad at number of emotionally abusive relationships .....

[Lottapianos]

.. but very glad to be a part of MN!

Both my parents are narcs and I'm 2 years into weekly psychotherapy sessions trying to unravel the mess they have created in my head. It's slow, painful, agonising, frustrating work but I have made a lot of progress with regard to managing my guilt and putting boundaries in place. I now see myself as a separate person from my parents, with my own needs and feelings. I no longer see it as my job to make them happy. A long way still to go but I'm getting there.

The thing I struggle with most at the moment is the loneliness. Sometimes it feels like everyone else has a 'normal' family - Mothers Day and Fathers Day are bad for this. Xmas is the absolute worst. Reading the Relationships boards on here is such a support to me - there are so many people on here who are going through similar to me, and lots who are a lot further along the journey than I am.

It's just really sad that there are so many dysfunctional, abusive, messed-up parent-child relationships around. I work with little children and parents in RL and I see such frequent examples of emotionally neglectful/abusive parents - it makes me really angry and heartbroken. I had a violent relationship with a man several years ago and am very clued up about the prevalence of DV but it shocks me how many people have come from unsupportive, unhealthy, neglectful families.

I'm so glad I found MN - I can't imagine what I did before I discovered online forums

soontobedivorced, I'm sorry to hear about your tough time too! The damage these people do is really horrendous. I can't imagine how sad and angry you feel about being told that lie about your dad. do you still have a relationship with your mother? Have you confronted her about this lie?

Xmas is hellish and the buildup starts in flaming September these days! I get really hacked off with having it shoved down my throat for 4 months a year. I just avoid it like the plague as much as possible, don't go to work Xmas dos or put up cards or a tree or anything. Thanks for reminding me to start a support thread nearer the time!

Nini, agree with others who say that being aware of your tendency to repeat your parents' behaviour is a really important first step towards changing it. Is your counselling ongoing or was it a short block? Keep posting

Thanks lotta. I have a distant but polite relationship with my mum. I keep her very much at arms length since she makes me angry every time we spend time together. I have long since given up trying to talk to her - in her eyes she can do no wrong and is mortally offended should I even begin to suggest it. My worst nightmare is that I should end up like her and am trying my damnedest not to with my kids. Am having weekly psychotherapy at the moment specifically to deal with my issues with my mum, have no idea how long it will take!

Ditto to all of that soontobedivorced I'm slowly realising how very unhappy my parents make me and how much better I feel when I'm not around them - so surely not being around them is a good thing, whatever they think of it! I've just come home from my weekly therapy session and it was hard - I cried a lot and felt very angry. Better out than in though and I'm feeling much more content than I have been all week.

'My worst nightmare is that I should end up like her and am trying my damnedest not to with my kids'

You won't - just the fact that you're aware you could end up like her is the first step forward!

'

True! Thank you!

Thanks Lotta - my counselling was just a short stint through work, they don't offer long-term and I can't afford to pay.

My parents are finally getting divorced (they announced it 2 years ago just after I told everyone I was pregnant), but they can't sell the house. Mum is renting elsewhere while Dad lives in the house, but she has all the furniture. You'd have thought that finally getting divorced would please them, but it's actually made them worse. Mum does nothing but badmouth Dad (he's an arse but I'm sure she exaggerates) and I'm sick of hearing about it. I avoid both of them.

Xmas has been hard since they announced their divorce - we've been having our own at home and not seeing either of them at all. FIL is equally a pain in the arse (he pulls the 'I have no-one to spend xmas with' card every year, we invited him last year and he ate all the food/drink and didn't bring anything with him).

It actually makes me really sad that DD won't have much of a relationship with any of her Grandparents.

'It actually makes me really sad that DD won't have much of a relationship with any of her Grandparents'

That is sad Nini, it really is. I feel the same about my parents - no matter how many other wonderful people I have in my life, nothing can actually replace them.

Relationships don't just happen by magic though - both sides need to put some work in, be kind, be sensitive and considerate of the other side's feelings and not expect the other person to constantly put themselves out. It's not your fault that your DD won't have the relationship with her grandparents that you would have hoped for - it's theirs.

I absolutely know what you mean about being sick of listening to the bitching and complaining. When I was still listening, my mother could complain about my dad behind his back for literally days on end and it used to wear me into the ground. It's sad that they are so utterly miserable but not my problem, or your problem, to fix