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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Problems with my BF and her impending divorce.

27 replies

Tolpuddlemartyr · 14/08/2012 11:43

I just need to offload a bit and ask if anyone else has been in this situation. Excuse lack of some details but don't want to out anyone.

My BF filed for divorce a few months back. She didn't want a divorce but kicked it off to shock him after they'd had a furious row ( one of many over many years) when he said he didn't want to be with her, and she was physically violent towards him in her anger.

He called her bluff and went on to detach himself from her and have an exit affair- due to location and so many other things it is not a new "relationship" and probably won't be. She wants to try to salvage the marriage, but he is not so keen and feels things have gone too far to get back.

She is distraught and wants support- which I have given for 6 months- listening for hours at a time when she's phoned at all times of the day and night.

The problem though is that she wants me to call him a bastard and agree with her that he has treated her very badly. But- this is the problem- over the years I feel she has treated him in a worse way, ( not affairs but highly emotional and controlling behaviour) and although I never ever voiced my thoughts, I was surprised her stayed with her.

Recently, after I reminded her of something she had done to him, she stopped speaking to me for 3 weeks.

I don't know how to react now. I want to support her, but on the other hand I've often thought it was only a matter of time before he got out of it all. I don't think his affair was right- he ought to have ended the marriage properly- but on the other hand, she had filed for divorce at that point.

How can I carry on being a good friend when she wants me to support her unconditionally even though she's at fault too?

OP posts:

OliveandJim · 14/08/2012 13:16

Isn't being a good friend someone who sometimes tells one unpleasant things that need to be heard or considered? Good friends are like family in my mind, you should be able to be yourself and say what you think. If you can't tell her what you think for fear that she might not talk to you anymore than the friendship is perhaps not a strong as you may think? The truth hurts but isn't it better to hear it from a friend who can then offer a shoulder to cry on? If your friend is wasting time and energy trying to salvage a relationship that is dead you are entitled to tell her so and help her get over it. Telling her what she wants to hear is not going to help her. As a friend you should focus on helping her and perhaps accepting her share of responsibility in the dismay of her relationship is the first step to recovery...

solidgoldbrass · 14/08/2012 13:30

Do you want to remain friends with someone who is a perpetrator of domestic violence? You say she has been emotionally abusive and controlling to her partner and physically attacked him. That makes her an unpleasant person, particularly as she appears to feel no guilt.

Offred · 14/08/2012 13:35

Agree with olive. She doesn't want a good friend she wants a husband and friends who will do and think what she wants. I would tell her the truth and see what happens.

OneMoreChap · 14/08/2012 13:52

My BF filed for divorce a few months back. She didn't want a divorce but kicked it off to shock him after they'd had a furious row ... and she was physically violent towards him in her anger.

Red flag, surely?
Once is once too often...

She is distraught and wants support- which I have given for 6 months- listening for hours at a time when she's phoned at all times of the day and night.

But- this is the problem- over the years I feel she has treated him in a worse way, ( not affairs but highly emotional and controlling behaviour) and although I never ever voiced my thoughts, I was surprised her stayed with her.

Recently, after I reminded her of something she had done to him, she stopped speaking to me for 3 weeks.

How can I carry on being a good friend when she wants me to support her unconditionally even though she's at fault too?

You can't. She's a physically violent abuser. Would you still be BF with her husband if he's knocked her about?

Original poster

Tolpuddlemartyr · 14/08/2012 17:57

I'm finding this really hard so thanks for the support.
She is godmother to my DCs. We go back a long way. I want to carry on being friends but in my head there is a lot I don't like.

Her opinion is that she has put oodles of effort into the marriage. This comes down to counselling for them for a while but at the root of that was her desire to have her DH change and become more empathetic towards her, more affectionate, and more attentive. It didn't work .

I don't know if the violence counts as real violence- on one occasion when they had a furious row and he said he didn't want her any more, she admitted to me that she had kicked and punched him over and over, until he ran away out of the house. He's a big bloke and she is tiny.

His description of how he feels is "defeated" due to years and years of criticism for not being who she wants.

There is more and more, but I don't want to say too much here.

The problem is that she doesn't " converse" with me- she makes statements which are hard to challenge as it then seems like a confrontation. eg she will say "I think he's treated me very cruelly- don't you?" Well, I don't. I think they are both at fault.

She has told me that she doesn't "need me to remind her" of the things she may have done before which have contributed to the breakdown. I said I was doing this so she didn't feel so much of a victim, and should see that there was fault on each side. After that she withdrew from our friendship for 3 weeks and said she'd found my behaviour hurtful.

She is now intent on "taking him to the cleaners" for money- again something I cannot concur with- it ought to be a fair split.

Ironically, she has had me in tears over the years when she has been brutally frank and lacking in empathy about my issues- and I had to remind her of this. In the end I just stopped telling her things.

What would you do?

OP posts:

Offred · 14/08/2012 18:02

She is not your friend and has never been. What she is is an abusive bully who violently beat her husband on at least one occasion and made his life an absolute misery and she is doing the same to you. You owe her nothing, you don't have to have anything to do with her, you don't need to treat her as the godmother to your children anymore I'm guessing maybe a bit wildly that you made her godmother because you were trying to please her and not because she was right for the role. We has been emotionally abusing you too for years by the sound of it.

BelaLug0si · 14/08/2012 18:07

Sadly I would take the opportunity to cut off this relationship - it sounds like she's taking a lot from you and not giving anything back.

Mumsyblouse · 14/08/2012 18:10

I wouldn't beat about the bush if violence is involved. I have had female friends lash out at their partners and have always said to them very bluntly that they need to leave their relationships if it is driving the both of them to violence. I am usually very sympathetic, but not once things start to get thrown/people are lashing out. She shouldn't have attacked him and you should have to pretend that's ok.

Original poster

Tolpuddlemartyr · 14/08/2012 18:59

The violence was only once and it was the night he told he was leaving her.

I didn't ask her to be godmother to please her.

What is hard is that she has 2 other life long friends who are supporting her 100%, and another friend who is an ex counsellor, who is right behind her too- from what she tells me. It's becoming a case of "Well so and so thinks I am right, he's wrong, it's only you who doesn't see it...."

I'm starting to wonder if it is just me.

Because he has left her and there is another woman involved, she believes that had this woman not been "available" he would have stayed in the marriage. I don't see it like that. I think the OW has given him a wake up call, and he only entered into that once BF had started divorce proceedings. My BF says he knows she was bluffing with the divorce, and therefore has "left her" for someone else.

What on earth would you say to someone like that?

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 14/08/2012 19:06

She's a vile bully and manipulative with it. Tell her to get stuffed. And you might spare some sympathy for her H who has obviously had a horrible time with her. He's left her because he's sick of her abuse of him, and he has every right to do so.

Offred · 14/08/2012 19:06

"it was only once" wtf? Once is once too many, it was a pretty violent attack by the sounds of it too but how do you actually know it was only once or that the other friend agrees and tbh a lot of counsellors are not worth shit and have gone into counselling because of their own issues. I wouldn't take any notice.

I don't know why you are still talking to her, she is abusive to her husband, won't accept any blame, she is abusive and controlling towards you and she bullies you and doesn't support you. What do you actually get from her? Sounds like she only tolerates people who agree with everything she says and when you express an opinion she drops you.

I'm not sure I would say anything to her, I just would not speak to her anymore. If she pressed me I would tell her why, that she is a controlling bully, that you don't like the way she treated her husband, that she was abusive to him and that she has never been a real friend to you, she has knocked your confidence when you were down and cut contact when you told her how you felt about her abusing her husband.

Offred · 14/08/2012 19:09

However I doubt she would even care if you stopped speaking to her by the sounds of it she might attempt some silent treatment to bulky you into taking her side and then if you didn't I bet she'd drop you quicker than anything and bad mouth you round town just like she is doing to her poor husband. Thank god for her stupid game playing divorce and I hope his new gf isn't of the same ilk as his wife.

MsKayGee · 14/08/2012 19:09

This all sounds very familiar - I think you have posted on numerous occasions about your friend, looking for advice on her behalf.

You seem awfully wrapped up in her and what is going on in her life. I think you need to cut contact with her.

TheWonderfulFanny · 14/08/2012 19:13

Surely nobody in their right mind starts divorce proceedings to give someone a wake up call?

Like suicide - only do it if you're willing to see it through...

She sounds like a self-obsessed drama queen - stop being her audience.

Original poster

Tolpuddlemartyr · 14/08/2012 19:19

MrsKG- yes I have posted a couple of times over 6 months. It's hard not to be wrapped up when someone calls you at 8am and 10 pm for days and weeks and months, wanting a listening ear and advice. I don't think I need apologise for being a friend and being involved.

OP posts:

Offred · 14/08/2012 19:27

She doesn't want a listening ear and advice. She doesn't want support she wants you to agree with her and join in bullying her ex.

If she has three other friends who agree with her why is she calling you twice a day like that. That isn't a normal friendship even if someone is in need of support. She is wearing you down and bullying you, making you feel like the special one she shares stuff with but it is only because she knows she hasn't won you round yet.

MsKayGee · 14/08/2012 19:29

Your relationship with your friend is extremely unhealthy. There's being a friend and then there's becoming over-involved, which you are. Taking phonecalls first thing in the morning and last thing at night, to listen to her bleat on, for days and weeks and months?

Isn't your own life/relationship suffering, as you seem to be investing an extortionate amount of time and energy in this "friend".

She is not a friend. Get rid, next time she calls tell her to piss off.

She is a vile controlling abusive bully and if there was ever a case in which all my sympathy lay with the person having the affair, then this is it.

henrysmama2012 · 14/08/2012 19:35

Sounds like she is dishing out the same behaviour to you as she did to her poor husband!

Micha54178 · 14/08/2012 19:37

As much as her husband clearly couldn't change to please her, I don't think you should. If she values you as a friend she should value our opinion also. You should be honest with her and true to yourself, she might not always like you opinion but as your friend she should respect it.

Original poster

Tolpuddlemartyr · 14/08/2012 20:24

MsKG- appreciate your comments. But is it unhealthy for close friends of 30 years to call each other at either 8am or 10pm, when in need? (Not morning and night!)
I'm sure lots of close friends talk daily or every other day. Don't you have that sort of friendship with anyone?

Not sure this is that odd.

I don't like her behaviour but it's going to be hard to pull away after such a long time. Not sure that's what I want- I do want to be able to talk openly and not just be a "yes" friend.

OP posts:

HandMadeTail · 14/08/2012 20:37

Tolpuddle, you have been a great friend to her, but you can't even tell her anything, because she is so lacking in empathy.

She is not your friend. You may be a friend to her, but she is not one to you.

As you have known her for so long, I'm sure it's hard to distance yourself from her, a bit like someone leaving an abusive marriage. It's not a good situation, but it's what you have become used to.

solidgoldbrass · 14/08/2012 20:37

Look, put the phone down on her. There is no need to put up with her abuse of you. She's not a nice person, end of; let her go.

MsKayGee · 14/08/2012 20:42

I do have that kind of relationship with friends, yes. The difference being that I can tell them when enough is enough and I can give them my honest opinion and they don't stop speaking to me for 3 weeks.

Can't you see how unhealthy her behaviour is toward you?

As you've been advised to do on countless other threads, direct your friend to Mumsnet if she wants some impartial advice. I doubt she'd be able to stand the straight talking, it sounds like she only wants advice or opinions from kiss-arses.

Original poster

Tolpuddlemartyr · 14/08/2012 20:44

Sadly though she thinks she is a really good person because she is a volunteer, helps charities, looks after almost strangers in their hour of need. She has listened to me, but she also was very judgemental at one stage and not at all kind. A couple of weeks ago I did hang up on her- she was shouting at me on the phone so I told her I wasn't going to talk to her when she was like that, because it wasn't getting us anywhere, and I wasn't going to be shouted at.

We have had good times too- it's been a very long time. I think the bottom line is she can't take any criticism and she is furious she has lost control of her marriage .

OP posts:

Original poster

Tolpuddlemartyr · 14/08/2012 20:45

Thanks MsKG- she doesn't have any interest in forums or strangers' opinions.

OP posts:

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