How to support friend in an abusive relationship

[DidntChaKnow]

My friend is in a relationship which is becoming increasingly abusive and I really don't know how best to help her, back ground info:

We have been 'best friends' since school and have known each other for about 15 years, we have been through all sorts of ups and downs including my two (unplanned) pregnancies, her difficulties in a challenging career, me having and leaving a partner who was abusive, family problems, serious car accident...you get the picture!

She has been with her boyfriend for 3 years (no children), he started out as the perfect man, couldn't put a foot wrong and treated her like a princess, it certainly seemed to be too good to be true and now it appears that it was...

He has openly admitted to anger problems in the past and attended anger management, he constantly puts my friend down and calls her names (push over, stupid, saying she will get fat if she's not careful about what she eats, etc) he has not hit her but has shouted in her face on several occasions, punched the wall right beside her head, head butted a door until he was bleeding and said door had a hole in it and punched the palm of his hand in front of her face.

She has been miserable for months but cannot seem to escape the cycle she is in, she recently found out he had been sending naked pictures of himself to other women and messaging women on dating sites. When she confronted him about it he told her it was all a joke between him and his friends.

He convinced her he would start behaving like he used to and treating her with some respect and they have booked a holiday and moved in together in the space of a week!! The place they have moved into is away from all of her friends and family, he works away through the week and I can see her ending up totally dependent on him.

She is miserable but will not listen when I tell her she needs to leave now or it will only get worse,I don't know what to do and it is heartbreaking to see my friend who used to be strong willed and independent being broken by this bully.

Any ideas on how I can support her or help her to see sense?

Listen to her if she wants to talk, let her know you're there. I'm fresh out of such a relationship myself and I have a friend who I'm worried about. She knows I'm here for her whenever she needs me and she can come and stay here at the drop of a hat.

If you can be sure he doesn't check her email, you could maybe forward her the links at the top of the EA r'ships support thread, plus the numbers for WA.

Just reassure her that whatever he does to alienate her from her friends, you will always be there. Sounds like you're already doing a good job of listening :)

Also I knew as soon as I moved in with my ex that I'd made a huge mistake, not helped by someone saying "I told you so" on another forum when I said how miserable I was. I'll never forget that. I felt I couldn't tell anyone how I was feeling but I did have a few friends who had an inkling and eventually got it out of me. I felt I had to stick it out until the rental agreement ended and I could leave without any guilt on my part (despite him behaving like an animal on occasion).

Not saying you'd ever say "I told you so", BTW!

Thanks for replying :)

I don't want her to feel like she has to talk to me if she doesn't want to or to feel like I'm ranting at her but she hasn't told anyone else about what he is doing so I want to be there in case she does need me.. I'm normally fairly chilled out with what other people choose to do with their lives but this is really upsetting me, I hate not being able to do anything to help her.

I don't think I'm an 'I told you so' sort of person (hope not!) my mum is like that so I know how unhelpful it is!

I don't think she would even consider WA or anything like that, but I will try suggesting it soon.

When we spoke today I asked what would it take for her to leave and she said she will leave if he hits her, I tried telling her it probably won't be as clear cut as that (starts with a push perhaps or throwing something at her and will most likely escalate, all the while he will be chipping away at her confidence so she thinks it is all her fault ) and that he has done everything but hit her, he's come very close to it and it is only a matter of time but it's like he has brainwashed her :(

Sorry for rambling on, I haven't got anyone I can talk to irl about this so it's good to be able to write it down at least!

You poor thing.

The trouble is, no-one can ever really help you if you're in an abusive relationship. If you criticise, she will probably just end up defending him. She has to want to leave herself. I think you're doing all you can, and you sound like a caring friend.

The one thing I would say is letting her know that you are there for her, lots of texts, phonecalls, arranging to meet up. If she does tell you about horrible behaviour, try to refelect it back - say it sounds difficult etc rather than openly criticise it. (Just saying from my own experience you sort of retreat if someone does that, and start trying to justify everything to yourself and to them, as well as getting cross with them for saying it. I know that sounds a bit odd. But before you realise what's going on, you want the relationship to work, so you deny/ blame yourself/ tell yourself it's normal/ justify all sorts of unacceptable behaviour.)

Once I left, the friends who had been there for me all along were my absolute godsend.

I think that more often than not, if they're going to successfully leave an abusive partner, they have to reach their own tipping point, whatever that might be. It rarely is as clear-cut as that. My ex started off with sulking and name-calling, then gradually built up to intimidation and then punched me hard on the arm. At the time I was so ground down by him that I didn't think it was that bad, but now I think - would I punch someone for snoring? Would I have punched him? Of course not!

Some women get hit and think their partners will be so shocked and sorry that they'll never do it again. Evidence simply doesn't bear this out. I feel desperately sorry for your friend that she is willing to tolerate his behaviour as it is. From my own POV I knew I hadn't deserved any of the physical violence he showed me, yet I tolerated it. It is a sort of brainwashing IME. You think you don't deserve any better.

Do you know if her parents are aware of the situation? It is horrible, feeling so powerless - I am like it with my friend at the moment - but as I say all you can do is gently let her know that you're there for her.

You sound like a fantastic mate. You might also want to show her the thread I linked to above, and invite her to lurk (again, if it's safe to do so without her P reading) and maybe post if she feels strong enough. It's a great resource and the women on there are a wonderful bunch.

Just be there for her. My DSis was in a relationship where he isolated her from all family members (on her side), bullied her, controlled her and mentally, emotionally and financially abused her. She cut off family members who criticised as "they didn't understand him"

I never judged. Never commented. Never complained about him or his behaviour. Each time we met (it was a 10 year plus relationship) about once a year I would say "you know where I am if you need me". I rang her often enough but no so much that he would complain - about every 6 months.

When the shit did finally hit the fan, I was the first person she called. And I have been there all the way. Because I knew that she was such an amazing person that she would come back in the end. Now we have a fantasic relationship, she has a brilliant new bloke who we all get on with.

As I said, just be there. She will find you when she is ready to.

I know that you are right about her having to be ready herself, that's what is driving me mad because I know I can't talk her round or make her see sense!

I have been listening and trying not to criticise her choices, if she asks what I think then I make it clear that what is happening and things he is doing are not her fault, despite what he says, I just hate the fact that he's brainwashing her like this.

I left an abusive partner last year so at least she knows that i have some experience of the situation (was no where near the things she is going through but he was manipulative and did hit me, in front of the children even on occasion)

I have suggested visiting her in the flat when my kids are with their grandma, the selfish side of me doesn't want to go because I totally don't agree with what is going on but I know if I think like that she will end up even more alone. can't bring myself to buy a moving card or present though, does this make me seem unsupportive?

She hasn't told her parents, she won't because she knows they will go crazy over how she is being treated, tried gently mentioning this to her to try and make her see how wrong his behaviour is but she isn't taking it in.

sent her a huuuge text this afternoon explaining my concerns for her and she replied saying she would call when my kids were in bed (I told her this would be by 7.30pm), hadn't heard from her so texted at 8.30pm saying 'kids are in bed now if u want to talk x' and she replied about 45 mins later saying she would ring soon but she hasn't (she knows I'm usually in bed by 10/10.30 so won't call after that)

I just don't want to push her away but I'm worried if I don't do enough that she will feel like I don't care and will distance herself from me

Thanks again for all of your replies, I realise it seems like I'm turning this into an 'all about me' issue but I just don't know how best to help her and there is no one irl who would want to listen to me rambling on like this!!