Split up with H, moving on advice please.

[PrettyAnaphase]

Hi
I don't usually post on Relationships but I've been told you are all very wise. I've nc'd recently but am a regular.
I split from H early this year, we have been living in the same house and will continue to do so for another 8 weeks or so as we are selling. We have split very amicably. The reason for the split is that I am a lesbian.
We have a 6.5 yr old dd who is changing schools this September. Then by about half term she will have moved into 2 flats - 1 with each parent, and will be splitting her time between us (60-70% with me). H and I are doing everything we can to stay very friendly and intend to make it as easy as possible on dd.

I have recently met a woman who I really, really like. She lives about 300 miles away from me so opportunities to see each other are rare and we would like to take them when we can. I need advice on how best to do this without negatively impacting dd. I'd like her to come and stay with me at some point. We'd find it quite hard to be around each other and not be very affectionate.

Given all that is happening, should I avoid introductions for as long as possible? When they do meet should I tell her that the woman is just a friend?

My instinct is to have them meet once she is settled at school, but telling dd that she is just a friend. Dd is quite a chatterbox and is likely to go blabbing it all around school that mummy was kissing a girl otherwise.

Advice greatly appreciated wise mners.

I wouldn't say dp is 'just a friend' as it's not true and I would not want to lie to my dd.

Little kids just aren't that interested in adult relationships IMO. I would just call her by her name, say 'Jane is coming to visit' or whatever. If you are happy and confident in the relationship, dd will take her cues from you.

If the relationship does get off the ground, I predict dd will take it all in her stride, much more so than you

I would always take my time to introduce any new partner to my children. I would introduce once I felt it was stable and serious but not before as I wouldn't want my dd to develop a relationship herself which may not go the distance.

Not sure how I would label the relationship to her, so can't advise on that.

Are you and H in the same block of flats? Would you feel comfy talking your concerns with H re the women staying over? If so could she stay with you for 4 days while dd is at her dads?

Thanks for the replies. H will likely be only a few streets away from me and certainly could have dd for some of the time.
I'd be happy not to label the relationship, however she may ask and I'd need to be ready. I'm not thrilled with the idea of lying to her, but would if I thought it would save her from further turmoil at an already difficult time.

Ok... some advice about long distance relationships: Don't worry much about the future because getting to that future may take long to materialise.

what you can do is start doing the split even if you are living in the same house: Use the days when your DD is supposed to be under the care of her dad to meet other people.

No need to bring someone to stay for the weekend and tell the kids about the relationship, until you are sure the person is a keeper. In the mean time, no titles are required, just call her by her name in front of DD.

Thanks. Yes, dd does have days under H's care, he's taken 2 weeks off to be with her over the summer holidays. I'm not so fussed about meeting other people at the moment.

Also, if anyone can recommend any books to read which would be useful in this situation I'd appreciate it.

Hmm. Seems a recipe for disaster bit early to me. Sorry.
The fact you are a lesbian is not relevant (yet) to how you deal with your dd. You only split up with your h this year and you're still living in the same house as xh, so for your dd ostensibly things in her life haven't really changed yet at all. I guess at her age talk of daddy and mummy having different houses can't really be understood until the actual reality hits. So your dd still has enormous processing of events yet to come.

Are you sure you're not letting the excitment and lust romance of a new relationship get the better of you? A bit of common sense would seem to be needed to take one step at a time for dd. First get her used to living in 2 separate houses and make sure that's going smoothly before considering introducing just the idea that you or her dad may one day want a new partner. Then / if it looks like the new partner is a long term prospect you might introduce her as friend initially.

How would you want your xh to introduce a new partner to dd? Would you be comfortable for him to bring a new girlfriend in to the situation now ? How would you feel if he was very kissy-cuddly with said new woman at first meeting with dd?

If your new partner is a goodun she'll understand the need to take things slowly in front off dd. Good luck

Thanks slambang. You're right of course. I wouldn't mind H introducing someone as a friend but definitely no kissy business. Damn.
I probably am getting a bit carried away. It's hard not to, hence the need for the excellent MN advice.
She's definitely a goodun and will understand.