Bit upset... How can I change people's opinion of me?

[Milchardo]

I've recently been told that it's very likely I'm on the autistic spectrum, although I think I'd have to pay for a formal diagnosis which would probably be a bit pointless at the age of 42!

I'm feeling really low today and I think it's because yet another person has described me as 'cold and aloof' when I really believe I'm anything but... Without wanting to blow my own trumpet, I know I'm empathic and I thought I came across as warm and compassionate... Yet ever since my teens the words 'cold and aloof' are how people who don't really know (and the odd few who do - including MIL and SIL) choose to describe me. I happened to mention it to the HV who said that yes, I do come across that way and it's probably because I'm so defensive...

Apologies for the self-pity, it's just really got me down today. Any advice on how I can project the 'real me' would be appreciate! My DP and close friends love me to bits! :)

Well, I suppose it depends....how much do you really care about what "people who don't really know you" think of you?

Well, when I say 'people who don't really know me', I mean people who haven't known me for years - not just random people on the street!

It does bother me. Perhaps it shouldn't but it does...

I would also switch it around form TheCraicDealer,and ask how much you really care about other people.
Soemtimes it is not just about how empathic you are,but about what you really feel inside.

Oh I know what you mean; acquaintances

Sometime caring so much can hold you back. I know I used to be terrified of saying the wrong thing, sounding stupid or mean or whatever. So in the end you say nothing and people think you don't give a fig or can't be bothered. Once I stopped being so hard on myself being nice to other people came a lot easier.

Hmm. Have you tried watching very carefully how other people interact and working out what they do that's different? Just a few simple changes (e.g. make sure you seem glad to see people) might make an enormous difference in how people perceive you.

I come across as cold and aloof too. I have given a lot of thought as to why and have concluded that it is because I have never been good at small talk, I just don't know how to do it and find it difficult and it makes me tense when I have to engage in it. It is not that I don't want to talk to people, I don't really know how.

I watched the people that I thought of as being warm and open and noticed that they seldom say anything negative and generally enthusiastically endorse the views of others. They are also careful to remember things about other people. I have now tried to adopt this approach to a degree and before I meet people, I run through a mental list of things I can ask them about themselves. It is not fool proof, but I think it has helped a bit.

Do you smile much? I don't know any smiley people I could describe as cold and aloof.

Great advice from Jenner there. A smile goes a long way :) I know that my 'neutral' face is very severe and I look like I want to murder someone!

My son has ASD and he is very smiley and very popular...

I can be very cold and aloof and have tried really hard to be more open and friendly, especially since having dc's. I did wonder if I could be on the autistic spectrum but then thought, does it really matter to be diagnosed. I recognise my weaknesses and work on them, that's the main thing for me.

Has someone told you they think you're on the autistic spectrum? That's quite a big thing to say to someone, and potentially very insensitive!

I was just about to say smile but beaten to it!
I would fit myself under the same category and am terrible at small talk. I also find it very difficult to talk in groups of people of more than about 2 or 3.

I learnt that smiling a LOT when meeting people first helps. It gives a warm impression and can help me open up more then as well, like the phrase often seen here "fake it 'til you make it'.

I was told I come across as snobby, but I was just terrible at small talk and afraid to say something stupid. I think maturity has allowed me to not care as much if I say something stupid now too.

GooseyLoosey I think you might have a point... I'm always the one people come to for advice or if they're feeling low, so I can't be that cold... :) But, in general conversation I just cannot for the life of me make small talk and I'm really envious of people who can! I just clam up and that kills the conversation stone dead.

I do smile a lot, but I really struggle to talk about the things other people seem to enjoy making small talk about. But I'm a good listener and I do genuinely care about other people - it's not a case of just saying the right thing.

I also don't like being touched or kissed by anyone other than DP or DD which my MIL thinks makes me very odd... She told me fairly recently that she wasn't surprised I'd been told I might be autistic as there is obviously something 'wrong' with me...

Sorry, I think I'm just having a pity party today!

naturalbaby My doctor told me she thought I could very well be (I'm also dyspraxic). I also scored very high on the AQ test. We are having some issues with DD (which is another reason why I'm feeling so low today) and although she's very extrovert (I'm not!) she's been referred to a paediatrician as they thinks she's definitely dyspraxic as well and it's likely she's also on the autistic spectrum.

Milchardo, I think your issue here has more to do with the diagnosis of autism.

My DP is on the autistic spectrum. His reactions look like he is rude or aloof. He can look like he doesn't care even though he is trying to help.
This is the the way the autism works for him.

I would really start by learning more about autism and what it means to you. Then perhaps ask your DP and/or some friends to point out when you would look like you are cold and uncaring for example even though they will know that this is not the case.
What worked with my DP is to point out that some of his ways could be misconstrued.

Also, don't beat yourself about it. Following his diagnosis, DP was uncomfortable about it because as he said 'he was just weird then'. The reality is not like this. He might be 'weird' compare to the average person. But so I am and some of his/my friends. You might come out as 'cold' but so are quite a lot of people and most importantly, I bet you ARE actually empathic in your own ways as your DP and friends know about it.

Agree with FollowingTheTao

How nasty of your MIL to say that! I don't think it's the least bit odd not to want to be touched or kissed by anyone except your DP and DD - I'm the same and I'm sure lots of people are. I hug my inlaws but only out of a sense of obligation, I find it cringeworthy.

Do you find it hard to make friends?

BTW,not being able to make small talk is certainly a trait of autism/asperger syndrome.
Don't beat yourself about it. Not everyone is/can be an extrovert and like to talk for hours. I can, DP can't which is just as well as I can then go on for hours whilst he patiently listens. And that's OK.

Your MIL has something wrong with her - she's a bitch!

Most of us have traits of several diagnoses, and our perspectives are skewed when we look for evidence to support them. Your GP should be able to make a referral for you so that you can get anwers.

FollowingTheTao Thank you for your advice. :) I think that could very well help. Do you think an official diagnosis is important? We don't have money to spend on anything unnecessary, but if it wasn't that expensive I could probably see someone about one.

I feel a bit guilty saying that about my MIL now... For the most part she's really kind to me, it's just she does like to get the odd dig in when she sees me, especially if it's to do with my personality. I wonder if it's because she's a real extrovert who needs to be the centre of attention at all times and struggles to understand introverts? DP is the only introvert in his family and she has said she'd rather he was with an extrovert to bring him out of his shell more... She thinks he's 'boring' because he's a homebody but I love him to bits.

I don't personally think you have to have an official diagnosis. The one thing it will do is that you will be able to say 'I DO have autism' (rather than 'I think I have').
Having a diagnosis can help explaining in some unusual reactions to outsiders but not everyone is open to the idea that the person in front of them has autism and it can also lead to negative reactions rather than good ones.
If you read about autism and get a better understanding, this will help you adjust your reactions and match them to how you are actually feeling.

But mainly I think that what is making a very big difference is to know and accept that that's how you are. It doesn't make you a bad person or anything like this. I personally think the intentions behind the actions is more important and that negative reactions say just as much about that person and their own issues.

Thank you, FollowingTheTao. :)

I don't know where to start with reading up about autism... Wherever I've looked it always seems to be completely different/much more extreme than how I am... If anyone has any down to earth books/reading they could recommend I'd really appreciate it.

Try books about asperger first. From what you are saying they might be more relevant to you.

Have a look at Tony Attwood he is a bit of reference on the subject.
Also there are some very good websites on autism such as the National Autistic Society. They have plenty more references/books on there too.

Don't be fooled about the 'more extreme'. Not one person with autism/asperger is the same than the other and communication issues might not be so visible that they will stop the person from leading a 'normal life'. This is mainly because you can have autism and be very intelligent and develop coping mechanisms/ways to 'hide' the problem so it doesn't look obvious.

Good luck :)

Hiya,

sorry you're feeling so bad

I've been told a fair few times by people that I am 'odd', or that I offend people with things I say (not sure what) and that I'm not like other people. Or that I am different, etc etc.

It's happened since I was little and I am used to it but it still hurts - I suppose I try and maintain acquaintances I have at school and so on, as best I can, and hope that enough people accept me to make life bearable. Luckily I don't have a huge thirst for social interaction, so am content with only very few friends.
I have no DH though and wish I did but am realising that at 38 I am getting too old to marry, or to be considered, as I'd have been snapped up by now if I was good enough. It makes me cry sometimes.

I also score very highly on the AQ (think, around 45-47 out of 50) but no one is interesting in offering testing, and I'm not sure what good it would do anyway, just knowing what I suspect.

I have also just been told that my most recent ex has described me as very plain, ugly, and boring, and for some reason this really hurts even though he is a complete twat and I shouldn't care what he thinks. I suppose I am worried he is right.

Not much advice but please know how fortunate you are to have the few people you have, who love you - not all of us can say that we have this in our lives. I have my parents, an old school friend and that's about it...and I have to make do, but it is hard.

Love and sympathy to you xx

FiveMonths that's so sad :(:(

My experience is that living with someone with AS/autism can cause some challenges re communication but saying that you are very plain, ugly, and boring ...:(

Please don't think that there is something utterly wrong with you because of the autism.
I think that for people for my DP's generation (he is of similar age than you), it is harder because there wasn't as much knowledge and support that there is now. It also means that 'coping strategies' were never taught to children with autism as they are now. But it certainly has never made anyone I know with autism 'not good enough'.
It probably takes someone special to make a marriage with someone with autism work but it doesn't mean that person doesn't exist.
And it starts with respect, something that your exbf and others don't seem to have been very keen on.

Thankyou so much for your very kind message. I didn't mean to kill the thread or take it over - I'm sorry if that's what happened, but all the same, I am so grateful to you for those encouraging words.

Also to Milchardo for the lovely PM.

I hope you are feeling a bit less upset now too xx