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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Oh Dear! Why did I do it!!!!!!!!!!!!

50 replies

smileyforest · 13/08/2012 14:07

Ok......typical woman thing to do...being nosy...
My partner left FB page open.....so I decided to nose on his conversation with a woman BF of his.....
Feel like I have betrayed him by looking...so feel really, really bad about myself...but done it now.........and suppose he could 'end' it because of what I have done....
Read conversation.....knew he had this friendship...but couple of things just really 'got' to me...
ending with 'love ya!'xxx
Mawah!
Him telling her 'nothing will come between her and their friendship ' when she questioned if I knew about them....
Suppose I'm silly and got what I deserved.......think it could be insecurity on my part...and I could have 'blown' it all now!!!

OP posts:

Lucyellensmum99 · 13/08/2012 20:21

Oh, im so sorry honey, but at least you found out now rather than later on :( Not a year wasted at all - it would have been a wate if things had gone further (ie, moved in etc etc).

SirBoobAlot · 13/08/2012 20:33

He ending things with you?

TBH I've think you've had a lucky escape.

Original poster

smileyforest · 13/08/2012 23:18

Well just received a phone call...
he says...'love ya' hun....is an Essex 'thing and the Mawah!......he met her quite a while ago just after his marriage broke down but never had a relationship with her...met her once....talk on FB etc and have remained good friends....
I asked why I haven't met her and he says ...she lives in Essex..he is near S wales....
My insecurities come from my exH...preferred the computer to me...which humiliated me as he was always talking to women and I was never included in the conversation.....

OP posts:

0lympia · 13/08/2012 23:35

That does sound odd. I'd never ask a male friend for reassurance that his GIRLfriend wouldn't come between our friendship?! I'd just sort of accept that that was inevitable. His/her determination that nothing should come between them......... bit dramatic.

cronullansw · 14/08/2012 02:53

LTB.....

Jeez, I think he should Leave The Bitch, what right does she have to pry? To interfere? To judge his friendships? Is he only allowed to have friends approved and vetted by his gf?

This isn't about his friendship - it's about power. The op trying to exert power over the bf and hurrah! He's standing up for himself by saying he can choose to be friends with who he wants.

As for him leaving the page open - this was because he has nothing to hide, not to lay a trap so he could bin the op. Get real, men are simple creatures, they don't need / wouldn't think to go to those lengths.

BadLad · 14/08/2012 03:31

My best friend is male and I always end emails/texts with a 'kiss', as does he to me. We have a weekend break, just the 2 of us, at least twice a year...and more often than not would share a bed. DP well aware and has no issues. That said, once I knew DP was a 'keeper' I introduced them to each other.

Good heavens. I doubt too many people would have no issues with their partner doing that.

I don't think I would be happy with my wife going for breaks and sharing a bed with some other guy, and I am sure she wouldn't want me to. Obviously no two couples are the same, and I am glad what you have is working for you, but I think a little possessiveness works quite well for us.

joblot · 14/08/2012 06:49

smileyforest not your fault, dont be so harsh. if you were completely wrong he'd have explained and you'd have sorted it out between you. he perhaps just wanted out I'm afraid. be happy your gut instincts are working. onward and upward

WinkyWinkola · 14/08/2012 06:57

Is it heck about power on the op's part.

It's about a weird exchange between grown ups that sounds like they have more going on than your average friendship.

The op is right to enquire and be interested in her oh's friendships. She didn't say he couldn't be friends with this woman, did she?

Yet he is the one saying nothing will come between their friendship. OTT, childish and weird declaration if you ask me. Why would anyone need to make such dramatic declarations?

Op is well rid of this chap and let's hope he and his friend get it on properly soon and stop bothering other people by wasting their time.

Mum2Fergus · 14/08/2012 07:26

Thanks BadLad...I do appreciate how some might find it strange, but it does work for us. Ive known my friend twice as long as DP, we've had our getaways since first becoming friends and have kept on the tradition.

WinkyWinkola · 14/08/2012 07:29

Interesting Mum2Fergus. How would you feel if your friend met a woman who was really unhappy with you sharing a bed with your friend, for example?

50shadesofslapntickle · 14/08/2012 07:38

Op - why are you feeling bad?! And if he flounces and finishes with you over someone who he has met once and keeps a secret from you I'd say you are better off! Get some balls and stop apologising to him! He is betraying your relationship by talking to her about it yet telling you nothing about her!

Mum2Fergus · 14/08/2012 16:57

Hi WW, already been there...he met a young lady around the same time I met DP, and as I did, introduced us once he considered her a 'keeper'. Sadly, she wasnt and they split after she went with someone else (shame too, she and I got on really well!), but relationship with my friend continued as previously described when with her.

GoatsHaveStrangeEyes · 14/08/2012 17:07

My dh had an online "girlfriend" like this before we met. He had known her since he was 15 or something (met when we were 22) and he did tell me about her.

She lived quite a way from him so they had never met but lots of talk about possibly meeting up sometimes. I didn't mind thier friendship at all, she seeme nice and he said she was one of the only people he could tell aything to. Lots of "love ya" and "mwah" talk.

Then it transpired that that there had been a lot deeper feelings than that, more "i love you so much" type thing and talk of soulmates etc. Obviously i wasn't happy that he had kept this from me but said it was all childish nonsense that had happened waaay before we had met and i was just to ignore it, they were just friends.

Then she started discussing her sex life with him and telling him that she missed him and she quite blatently did not like me at all. They had a massive argument about something trivial and she started slagging the both of us off. I told him i was really pissed off and he cut her out of his life that day and hasn't spoken to her since!

GoatsHaveStrangeEyes · 14/08/2012 17:09

What i meant to add was, if he values her feelings over yours (his actual real life girlfriend) then you probably did yourself a favour by snooping and are well rid.

BerylStreep · 14/08/2012 17:15

When me & DH first met, something strange happened that made me suspicious. I told him my suspicions, and he was really annoyed by it.

It turned out to be a bit of crossed wires, but my DH was still really aggrieved that I had been suspicious of him.

Some days later, he spoke to me and told me he understood my suspicions, and he understood that I found it difficult to trust men unquestioningly, because of a previous betrayal in a relationship, and my Dad cheated on my Mum.

It could be that your bf doesn't really have anything to hide, but is upset at the implied accusation. Lots of people have close long-standing friendships that other people may find , but I do think the key is transparency, and a bit of communication.

Kirsty240287 · 14/08/2012 18:07

Someone he's met once is not a close friend ffs! If they had been friends since school etc then fair enough, and I would have expected you to have been introduced but this woman is god knows how many miles away and isn't a close friend, she's someone on the internet. Admittedly it probably is easier to talk to a stranger but if that's coming between your relationship then something is wrong, and the fact he ended things with you over such a stupid, in my opinion 'imaginary friend' then like the others have said he's probably done you a favour!

'nothing will come between her and their friendship ' - he either wants more from her, or has a very deluded idea of what a close friend is!

Teansympathy · 14/08/2012 19:44

Same happened to me been with a guy for a year he always had this friend, so i checked his mobile, chucked him out after that he was at it with her , sorry please wake up and smell the coffee, because I felt exactly the same wayas you do , guilty for prying, well honey carrying on prying and all shall be revealed.
Take care it is a horrible shock for you.

50shadesofslapntickle · 14/08/2012 23:24

Any update op? Seems you are well rid really!

Original poster

smileyforest · 14/08/2012 23:41

Ok ...thanks for opinions....Also...Im not a BITCH...cron!
We have spoken.....he is coming up this w/e so we can discuss properly...I have no objections to him having FM friends Ok...he has lots through work etc..But I just dont get that this can be a 'good' friend that he met through the internet and only met once and he confides in her?? If it was a friend from schooldays...I could understand more....My BF is someone I have known in RL since I was 4y......theres the difference....and also I think sometimes you need to move on from certain friendships...this is an internet friend that helped him get over his marriage breakdown...that has gone....met her just the once...how the heck can that be classed as a BF????...Also being in a serious relationship...does change some things.....?
Just found the whole thing 'weird'....

OP posts:

coffeeinbed · 15/08/2012 08:49

That might be all true OP, but it's not up to you to decide when people move on from their friendships and how they make friends.

A serious relationship might change things, again, his friends are his business.

zippey · 15/08/2012 10:24

Do you think you have trust issues OP? As far as I see he has not done anything wrong. "Luv ya" is a common term friends use, it is not the same as "I love you". The other part of his conversation clearly depicts their relationship as friends. I dont see anything untowards in this.

Its a bit disturbing all the advice on here seems to be that you are well rid of this person, when you have absolutely no evidence of wrongdoing. If you have only known him for a year, you probably wont know all his friends. You can develop a close relationship with someone you have never met - perhaps he has told her of personal things that have happened in his life. Sometimes its easier to discuss issues with people you have never met.

Anyway, you should probably apologise firstly for prying into his privacy, and good luck, you seem like a nice person.

Berris · 15/08/2012 11:03

It is a little unfair to say that someone you have met online, but only met IRL is not a "best friend". One of my closest friends is an internet friend, I've only spent IRL time with her a handful of times - one of which was as Matron of Honour at her wedding! I have other good friends who I would confide in who I have either never met, or only met once.

I don't really think he's done anything wrong, and I don't see that there's much to read into his FB messages between him and his friend.

Onceortwice · 15/08/2012 11:39

Well, it's perfectly possible to have very good online friends. I have loads of friends who I met online and who I've only met once or twice and who I converse with mainly on line.

In fact, one of my best friends was someone I used to chat with on FB. My husband knew about it, looked at all I messages and went mental about some slightly flirty ones (seriously nothing going on). So much so that my DH threatened to contact his wife etc. Going mental about the whole thing. My friend blocked me on FB. I still miss his friendship.

Original poster

smileyforest · 15/08/2012 19:54

Tks for all comments.....yes I have apologised for prying....we all have difference of opinions dont we of how friendships are formed kept etc....x

OP posts:

rightchoice2 · 15/08/2012 22:04

His actions speak as loud as his words. It could be much worse, lucky it was only a year and hopefully not a bad one at that, and not a marriage and baby he is giving up on, he is punishing you, don't buy into it.

Don't chase him otherwise you will be pleading and begging soon and that does not look pretty.

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