How do you compromise on careers with a significant age gap?

[WeirdPost]

Have NC as I don't want this discussion linked to my usual NN - it's a sensitive topic for me atm. There's what most would call a significant age gap between me and DP (more than ten years), most of the time I forget about it but it makes some things harder and I was wondering what other MNers have chosen to do in these circs.

His career is fairly entrenched and he has a high salary (35k average, pre tax). It may get higher. Regardless he comes from a very comfortable financial background and is settled in the area we live in.

My career is at the beginning (I am mid-twenties) and over the last few months I have realised that it will only improve if I live somewhere else. I have landed a contract in another city temporarily but will probably need to stay there in order to gain more experience. I have spend most of this year unconsciously putting my career on hold by looking for non-existent opportunities within joint commutable distance. This sits very badly with me as I come from a low-income family and need to make the absolute most of my career to live well (regardless of any personal fulfilment I gain - this is also a high priority, not as high as paying bills, saving for retirement and eating!). I may also need to support my parents in the next few years as they are fairly elderly.

If we were both at the beginning we could compromise fairly easily, I think. But how do people with large age gaps compromise when one has an entrenched career and the other is beginning? Do you always take a back seat? We have no DCs at the moment but that is also a concern - even the most optimistic have-it-all women seem to suffer career pauses so I need to factor that in to how fast and seriously I try and progress in my field.

I would like some food for thought and experiences to help me decide how best to proceed please.

Tough one.

Compromises are going to have to be made one way or another, whether it's long-distance for a while, or a (temporary?) career sacrifice from one or other or both of you, with attendant frustration.

My own experience is that I was glad I had my career to provide me with both financial stability and personal fulfilment when my 12-year relationship blew up in my face.

I think it's seen as easier for the person with the less developed career to put it on hold to support their partner or take time out for children. But actually I wonder if it shouldn't be the other way round? Once you have that experience and history with a company it should make it easier to move jobs or ask for greater flexibility. It would probably mean taking a small knock to future prospects (unless you're massively skilled at something, or very high up and pretty much able to ask for whatever you need) but it would probably make for a much better society!

I wouldn't take a back seat in your position. It'd be really important to me that my partner would support me now, pre-children, or I'd feel like we'd end up in very stereotypical roles if we did have them later. And without gaining more experience you're never going to be in a strong position to negotiate for what you need to make a career and family life work for you (both at work and possibly at home)

Do not let your career slide on the basis that his will make up for it. To be quite bald, 35k is ok, but not outstanding if he's in his forties, for example. It's a good wage, but as anastasia says, he may be more flexible than you.

Reading MN relationships has made me more determined than ever to keep my own career (I have two children), for my sanity, for my interest levels, because it's intellectually challenging, for the options (when one of us lost their job, we could both look to plug the gap), financially.

That's not to say I haven't or wouldn't take a step back and either not earn or be the lower earner for a short period of time: I have done this when we had our first, as he then did for the second. I would also support my partner to take a qualification or time out if they needed it, again temporarily.

But I wouldn't do anything to jeopardise my long-term career now, as I've found it both very interesting and financially necessary in the recession. Also, my mummy friends who gave up work for many years (rather than just a year or two when children were very little) are now floundering and unsure what to do with their lives in their early-forties, not the easiest place to be.

I also agree with anastasia that your partner's attitude now will give you a good clue of whether he sees you as an equal in terms of career, or whether essentially what he is looking for is support for his own career (many men on MN appear to think their wives jobs are lesser than their own and won't do childcare/support them/'prefer' them at home which horrified me when I first came on here).

IMO it would be unreasonable to expect your dp to give up his career in order for you to start your (as yet unknown) one (i.e. you don't know yet how far you will go within that career). I do agree that it is important for you to have a career of your own, but only you can know at what price that comes.

If it's still in the early stages is there something else you can pursue that won't involve moving or staying away from home? You don't want your career to happen at the detriment of your relationship.

Hmm. I have a similar dilemma. DH is 55 this year and a few years back took a promotion involving a country move and lots of travel. I, previously to that, was the higher earner. It was a good opportunity for us a family, he (still) has a final salary pension - but he retrained and got a career late in life.

6 years on he has been promoted again, travels a lot, and whilst I found a good job, I am restrained somewhat by having to take main responsibility for our dd. I am 44 this year, and basically a bit stuck. I WANT to push for a new opportunity and move on, but that will be completely at odds with my family situation. Dd is 8 and I don't really want to see less of her. On the other hand, due to to dh's age, I think he should have the opportunity to take it as far as he can, so I can't expect him to pull back - we need as a family for his pension to be the best it can - and 10 years isn't long.

Then I worry that if I don't do it now, it will be too late. In your case, pre dc, I really would push to make the most of your career that you can, even if that means something like living apart in the week. Plenty of people do that. I think if you don't do what you want to fulfill your needs at the moment, it is only going to lead to resentment. And I would worry about being with someone who was "entrenched" and not willing to consider different ways of doing things. When you have a family (and careers) compromise is very, very important.

Honestly? I would go and pursue my career wherever it needed to be. I know a lot of couples who have lived seperately for a while whilst one of them does this. Don't think it's that unusual tbh.

Will you resent/regret it or him if you don't do it?

wannbe, I don't think living apart some of the time is necessarily damaging to a committed relationship - I spent the first 6 months of being PG commuting to an office in a different country, and some months in the UK alone with dd, when dh first moved. I think more damage would come from being stuck, because the other person refuses to consider a change. I would have thought that someone with a lot of experience would find it easier to look for a new position too.

wannaBe That is exactly what DP has said when I began to get desperate about finding a job in our area. I have very specific qualifications and have worked hard since long before we met (we have been together three years) to get good grades and subsequently narrow my field of expertise. Now I have found something I love and am good at I don't want to change my whole career and spend the next fifty years wondering 'what if'.

DP is very much 'we'll cross that bridge when we come to it'. Now we are at that bridge and I don't think he has a bloody clue. That's why I was interested in seeing how others have resolved it (rather than dissecting our relationship) to see if others have found a solution or strategy we could talk about.

HotDAMN and ana your views are basically my own. I am very wary of screwing myself over financially. Whilst I have been hunting for a 'proper' job the majority of the house tasks have fallen to me and it's driven me insane.

ok, well if it's a career you've been studying for etc then of course it's not just a case of going out and finding another one. :)

How far away is the new job? Also, what are job prospects like for your dp should you pursue a job there. Commuting is hard long-term, especially if you are going to have children at some point in the future, so if you're going to be pursuing career opportunities away from where you currently live, then the longer-term aim needs to be for you to both be looking to be at least close-ish to the place where you work, or for one of you to be prepared to be the one to be on hand for any children in the future...

I would peruse your career even if it means living apart.

You aren't married, and presumably his house is his and you are entitled to nothing should you split? You've mentioned he comes from a comfortable background, so did he get a lot of help with house purchase?

£35k is really not a lot, if you are only mid-twenties and work hard you could be out-earning him in 5-7 years.

I wouldn't expect him to 'give up' a career for me to start out in something, in fact, I wouldn't expect anything. But I would be more likely to see the relationship as being worth more effort and investment in if he was happy to make some compromises. If he couldn't do that I might start question if I was in a relationship that was right for me.

I suppose I'm thinking things like taking a sideways job move rather than a promotion if it made it easier for you BOTH to do jobs you love and live together or being prepared to travel to see you as much as you go to him if you do end up living apart for a time. But I would want to know that he was prepared to be flexible and that all options about who moves/cuts hours or pay/does more hours etc are at least up for discussion between us, not just have a situation where his job takes precedence over everything else.

Hm, I think it's not unreasonably that your OH could compromise and relocate with you to support your career development, if his career is well developed why does it discount his moving? Just as it would not be unreasonable for you to compromise and stay put in support of his developed career. I think it's more about priorities and what you think matters to you re your hopes and plans for your future. Do you both equally choose to be together and therefore work together on whatever limitations come with that? If so then you might not become disgruntled, but if that's not the case and things are unequal then you might.

Personally, I value the development of my career and financial independence so I'd be working hard on making that happen. I've divorced after a lengthy marriage to someone who came from a family with some money, and I don't. I didn't like the sense of dependency, and when we seperated I was grateful I had my career to shore me up financially. I'm now in a relationship where we are financial equals, not because that's what I sought, but it's how it worked out, and I can't say enough how much easier it makes things. Our jobs are equally valued.

I had a similar situation some years back. DH is a similar age to me but his career was far more developed when I started looking into developing mine, due to me needing to build up experience first in lower-level jobs before going for a full on career. An opportunity for a job came up in England while DH was doing his PhD in Ireland (and therefore he couldn't move). It was a tough call but I moved to England and we did long distance for a while. I'm really glad we did it because it showed us both that we really did want to be together, and I got to experience my chosen career before I made any longterm decisions. In the end I decided my heart just wasn't in the career and I gave it up. We finally lived in the same place (after nearly two years apart) and I did a few short term jobs before becoming a SAHM. I actually work part time now in a very very different area, but that was just luck.

I'm happy with my decision and that's partly because I know what the other side of the coin looks like. The time to take leaps is before you have children - it tests your relationship in good ways and it shows you what you really want without the inevitable added difficulties children bring.

I am very wary of screwing myself over financially. Whilst I have been hunting for a 'proper' job the majority of the house tasks have fallen to me and it's driven me insane.

I did the same as portfino: supported my DH so that his pension was as high as possible. I took responsibility for day-to-day care of DSD who lived with us full-time. (DH and I had an 18 year age-gap) I put my career on hold, but did some side-ways moves (financially) to get a breadth of experience.

DH got the opportunity to take 'early retirement', which he did in a heart's beat to allow me time to build my career. We role-swapped completely and my career took off (with lots of travelling and staying away from home). DH never, ever moaned about me being away - it was his turn to support me. I ended up in a job I would never have dreamed about..... but it was the breadth of experience that made me a 'perfect' employee for the role.

He died though sadwidow, iirc? Or is this a new dh? But a good reminder all the same that we never know what life will throw at us, so it is never a bad thing to maximise your earning potential, even if you choose to take time off to have a family. I am 43 and still have a CHOICE between a more cosy role with a family friendly firm - but still earning a decent wage, or going for the leadership roles and sacrificing the family time. Not sure how long that choice will exist for though.

But if the worst happened, I could still support myself and dd. We might have to change some things but we would not be destitute. I sleep easier knowing that.

OP, you are roughly the same age as my daughter - she's in a similar position but without the man.

I would advise her to invest heavily in her career for a number of years before considering having a child. In your twenties you have the energy to work hard and it's good fun too. It's a great time in your life for socialising and travelling. You just can't do it in the same way once you have children.

I'd advise her to go where the jobs are and worry about the relationship later. If that means moving away or moving abroad then that's what it takes.

Your partner has had his twenties. He will have done all that I've said above. Of course he won't want to give all that up - why would he? But you need your chance, too.

You're an intelligent woman, you've worked hard and this period in your life should be for letting your career take off.

Thank you. Your advice helped me take a deep breath and broach it, sort-of, with DP. He doesn't really have much ambition or drive and said that if I earned enough money he would like to stay at home and work on projects.

What we consider enough money differs wildly, probably due to our upbringings, but it's a start - he would move with me if I found a sufficient income. That's all I really wanted to hear as I know I can get a good job. I have enough ambition and I love working hard. I guess we'll see! :)