Feeling a bit down about friends.

[Rowanhart]

I feel a bit silly given some of the thing ppl go through on here but after tears last night over friends ( DH just rubbed my back while I sobbed) I just wanted to see whether I'm being brattish or whether my feelings are justified.

Have a lot of friends but one of those ppl who has lots of groups and no specific best friend, my oldest two friends I've known since primary schoo. Was hurt when both had eachother as bridesmaid and not me, especially as I was given bridesmaid like jobs to do. But slapped a smile, did the reading as asked and did my best to show I wasn't hurt.

I'm now seven months pregnant. One of my friends has an 18 month old now and before he was born I hosted a baby shower at my house. I contacted her family, catered a traditional afternoon tea got balloons etc etc. Really made an effort (our other friend chipped in with cost).

I also did the same for a uni friend last year who is cut off from most of her friens. Travelled 100 miles and brought everything in me and rallied round our old friends to go. Even stayed in hotel as her hubbie clearly funds guests difficult.

But no one has organised anything or me. I know there's nothing on the cards as old friends are booked up until end of October when we're having a spa day. I know my mam will when she realises and I know as I have a lot of separate groups it's tougher to organise for me, but really wanted, for once, to feel like a friend had thought enough of me to put themselves out.

I'm probably just being silly. In he great schne of things I know it's not a big deal, just feel hurt.

I'm sorry you feel hurt and completely understand why.

It is hard when you have lots of groups of friends who don't really intermingle.

It sounds like you are the "organiser" in your groups - I bet you organise and arrange most social occasions? My sister in law plays that role in her group of friends and the problem is, no one remembers to organise anything for her because they never have to remember to organise any social occasions - she is always there and doing it.

I'm sure it is not out of spite, but forgetfulness or disorganisation although it feels shitty.

Sometimes it's easier to focus on family - you've got an exciting time coming up! A new baby - your first? A DH who sounds supportive and a mum who cares. Focus on these things - if your friends have always been like this it is unlikely they will change but you can change how they make you feel.

Unmumsnetty hugs xxx

Thanks for the nice message.

You are right of course. Have lots of good people around me. Offloading has made me feel a bit better about it.

Baby showers are vipers nests. Learn a lesson and give a little less of yourself to people who do nothing but take.

ooh lord its an american thang-think of it as an unnecessary materialistic convention!

Colourme's advice is very good. You sound like the one organizing and driving a lot of events, and then getting hurt when no-one returns the favour. Either you have to accept this role (which to some extent you have created) or perhaps not do quite as much for these friends if they are not really interested in doing the same back. I have to say I wouldn't really want a baby shower myself and wouldn't think of organizing one for anyone either.

The friend who other friends have dropped- perhaps again, you need to back off from this and let people have the level of involvement they want. With old friendship groups, you find over the years, especially as people have children their level of commitment may wane- I'm finding it hard to go to stuff once every few years and I'm pretty good at prioritising friends. Some will, once they settle down, not bother at all!

I would perhaps focus on the closer friendships between you and one/few other girls, in which it's clear it's reciprocal. Having said that, I also think often in friendships, there's one person doing more work. I'm happy to call some of my friends as I know they won't call me for ages, or arrange a meet, not everyone is proactive like this but I would be sorry to lose their friendship. I don't think they care for me less, though, just that they've never been like that in 20 years and are unlikely to change.

If you want a baby shower, why not sound out if anyone is thinking of this or whether they'd like to do one. If nothing is in the offing, why not host a 'before the baby comes' tea party of your own and invite them.

But, you have to accept that if most people have small babies, then over the years, their commitment to travelling and meeting up may be less than yours.

I am also a born organiser and definitely feel your pain! Since having DS 4 months ago though I can safely say my priorities have changed and am taking stuff a lot less to heart. It is horrible though feeling like you do all the running and I think the advice to focus on family is good (if you have that support available) I hope you feel better soon x

Thanks for the advice everyone.

Sorry I meant friend geographically 'cut off' in the countryside.

I don't resent anything I do my friends. In enjoy making an effort. I've just bern to probably ten of these things over past three years and it's always a friend who organises.

It's probs just hormones making me over react!

Rowanhart you may be unlucky really, to be the last one of your group and so everyone now has tiny babies and travelling a long way for a baby shower has perhaps dropped down the list of priorities. I still think if you want to do something, sound out one of the closest friends, say 'I've been to so many, I guess people are perhaps busy now, what do you think?' and see if they offer. If not, have a 'at home' if you want one.

This is a time of transition, and whilst many people will want to meet up/travel a long way to a group event, it does get less easy with children in tow and I think it's wise not to take it personally.

Update. Surprise baby shower yesterday-five days before my due date! I'm the bad friend..

:o

Made me happy to read that.

That's lovely! Hope you had a great time.

I had a fabulous time thanks.

Turns o the spa date was a cunning ruse to get me out of house so other friends (from Uni along with DM) could set up at my house.

I am currently folding little baby grows (a trillion) and about to play walkie talkies with DH using our new knit or.

I'm going to need a lot of thank you cards! X

Monitor not knit or! iPad maddness.....

Maybe they read Mumsnet . Glad you had a happy time.