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Relationships

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Original poster

Is this friends with benefits or something more?

22 replies

Sam1973 · 13/08/2012 09:27

I split up with my husband in January and i have been having what started of as friends with beneifits for about 6 weeks.

I have known him a long time and he split with his long time partner at about the same time i did. He also has kids.

We said at the beginning this was just friends with benefits, but now he is saying he doesnt think either of us should see anyone else. We text each other every day and I have seen him 3 times this week. He gave me a key to his house last week so i could let myself in on Saturday night as I was going round after I had been out. I offered to give it him back last night but he said to keep it.

He isnt overly affectionate but he does show affection.

He shows interest in what i have to say and what i have been doing

I think i want more, but then the thought terrifies me. Im not sure what he wants and i dont really want to ask him. I think he is just scared like me, but i could be reading it all wrong and it could just be sex to him.

What do you think

OP posts:

Offred · 13/08/2012 09:31

The only way you can possibly know is asking him tbh. MN cannot tell you.

Punkatheart · 13/08/2012 09:34

Um...difficult to truly assess because obviously you are the one in this relationship. But he isn't overly affectionate? That doesn't sound like a great start if you are in a sexual relationship with him. But he is already setting the rules and it has to be also what you want. If you are not ready for it..then back away. Of risk the 'relationship' talk....it might then all be out in the open...

Original poster

Sam1973 · 13/08/2012 09:38

When i say he isnt overly affectionate, i mean that he isnt all over me all the time. But he does kiss me when i see him, and he does great cuddles. I dont think I am ready for the relationship talk, i think i need to figure out what i want first. I just wondered what other people thought.

But no one has ever made me feel how he does when he touches me. I did kiss another man when i was out a couple of weeks ago to see if i had the same response... I felt nothing.

OP posts:

Lovingfreedom · 13/08/2012 09:54

It's really up to you to decide. Sounds like he wants more but it's up to you whether you are ready for anything more. It's in your court by the sounds of it and as long as you're enjoying yourself that's all good. If you don't want the key either give it back to him, or don't use it. Try to put your own happiness and needs first rather than trying to please him.

Offred · 13/08/2012 09:57

Well how do you feel? What is holding you back?

niceguy2 · 13/08/2012 10:15

From a bloke's point of view he's certainly given some signals out that he'd like more. Giving a key out and not wanting it back is a pretty sure sign. As is suggesting you both not see anyone else which in any other situation is called 'going exclusive'.

I guess the main thing to figure out is how you feel about him (sounds like you like him)

rubyrubyruby · 13/08/2012 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Sam1973 · 13/08/2012 15:51

I do really like him and it scares me. I really dont want to get hurt again. Having said thathat i think i am in too deep and will prob get hurt now anyway. I think I will just see how it goes, after all it has only been 6 weeks

OP posts:

lazarusb · 13/08/2012 20:14

Surely in a FWB situation you can't be exclusive? You are ready to fall for him by the sound of it but that can be painful if he doesn't feel the same. Maybe he likes sleeping with you and doesn't want anyone else to.

On the other hand, you see each other a lot and he's given you his key. Until you are sure of his feelings either way can you stop seeing him so often, or try and hold yourself back emotionally a bit?

Original poster

Sam1973 · 13/08/2012 20:52

We dont always see each other that much lazarusb, It can be a week between seeing him. We both have other commitments like kids and work. I do agree i need to pull back emotionally til i know how he feels. I prob wont be able to see him til next week now as i dont think my ex is having the kids , so maybe that will give me time to think things through x

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 13/08/2012 20:58

It sounds like he wants something more serious, if he's talking about being exclusive and giving you a key to his house. If that's what you want, as well, then enjoy! There are no absolute guarantees of future happiness, of course, but you don't mention anything that sounds like a warning sign.

Original poster

Sam1973 · 13/08/2012 23:28

The only thing i can think of as a warning sign is we dont go out, we only ever meet up at his house. I dont have a problem with that , as we both have exes we dont want to hurt and kids. Both our exes live locally.

Having said that we both ended up in the same place a couple of weeks ago ( we have some of the same friends) It wasnt awkward, we did speak to each other. We was also texting each other when in the same place which was fun. I had my kids with me so couldnt go back to his, but he did come back to our friends house for something to eat. ( My kids already know him, so didnt think this was strange)

OP posts:

lazarusb · 15/08/2012 09:19

So are you keeping this a secret from your friends etc? I know that's very reasonable after only 6 weeks, it isn't a criticism! I think you just need to take this slowly. Could you ask him why he wants to be exclusive, have his feelings changed, for example, if you ended up in the same place at the same time and you started talking to another man, what would his reaction be?

Sorry for all the questions, I just think he wants more than he is willing to admit.

NervousAt20 · 15/08/2012 09:22

Doesn't sound like just sex to me if he doesn't want you to see other people and wants you to keep a key to his house

Hope it works out the way You want

Original poster

Sam1973 · 15/08/2012 16:17

A few of my friends know, he is best friends with my best friends fiancé ( thats whose house we went back to) I did get chatting to another bloke i know when we was in the same pub, and he did look to see what i was doing but he didnt say anything so not sure how he felt about it. I know i wouldnt like it if he started chatting up a woman in front of me....

OP posts:

Tressy · 15/08/2012 16:20

Ask him what he wants and you decide what you want.

Also there is no such thing as friends with benefits. Don't enter into anything labelled such in the beginning. If you are having sex you are not just friends.

Original poster

Sam1973 · 10/09/2012 21:45

Thought id give a bit of an update. We still havent had the "conversation" but he did take me for a meal last week (unfortunately i had to leave early as my son was ill) and we are going to the cinema this week. :0)

OP posts:

Fairylea · 11/09/2012 06:50

Hmm. I'd be careful.

After my ex h left I saw a guy for 6 months and it was basically exactly like yours... Both said we weren't ready for anything serious, friends with benefits type thing... But then it all got a bit murky - we went out with his friends, a few dates to the cinema, beach etc, he'd come round and stay over talking all night, got a bit jealous if I flirted with anyone else etc.... I fell for him and thought all the signs were there... He then had a birthday weekend with his friends and didn't include me in any of it and then said "sex is fun but I don't see us as more than friends"... So that told me! Just because all the usual signs were there I was reading it more than that.

I genuinely think if a man wants to be in a relationship with you he will make it blatantly obvious.

The film "he's just not that into you" was a sort of therapy for me going through it all.

And then I met my now dh!!!

Gay40 · 11/09/2012 08:39

Also: FWB does exist. Not everyone has sex and love tied up together in a lovely ribbon. It's perfectly possible to have sex with someone and not be in a relationship.
I know this comes as a massive shock to many people.

OP, it sounds like you are hedging towards a relationship, but you need to have the conversation so that you are both singing from the same hymn sheet and both parties know where they stand.

dysfunctionalme · 11/09/2012 10:50

It's a tricky one.

You are not sure what you want from him so he cannot provide it even if he is willing.

If you think you can cope, why not just keep going as you are and enjoying it for the good times.

But if you are still fragile, maybe take a breather.

I don't know.... why do things like this have to get so complicated so fast

Dryjuice25 · 11/09/2012 11:48

Be tentative with this. I had a key, we had sex and exclusivity but it turned out he was on the rebound despite what he said /did.

Original poster

Sam1973 · 11/09/2012 20:22

I am being careful. He has asked if he can come to my house. I havent said yes because i need to keep him and my home life separate. If he hasnt been in my home i have no memories of him there. That way i can keep the barrier up and not let him too close.

I havent told him this is the reason though, i just avoid the question. Do you think i should tell him why?

OP posts:

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