Concerned about my friends OH and her kids

[Hopeforever]

Please help me work out what to do if anything?

Friend has been single for years, had a few boyfriends, no problem with theat, it's who the present one is that concerns me.

Her children are happy for her to have a BF. the younger ones pretend to get on with him, but have both told their friends and friends parents, that they don't like him. These people have told me.

Her older child has left home and won't talk to her while she is still with him

Other friends have voiced their concerns with me about him, how he is sexist, racist, righting and sometimes just creepy (making a sexy comment, in a put down way on their second meeting) unsuitable comments about teenage girls etc

I tried really hard to be friendly, invite him over to parties, been to meals with them, but I just don't feel right about it. I would not let my KIds go to her house without me if he was there (which is most of the time that he's not working)

Do I chat with their and risk our friendship? Do I keep my nose out and risk her children being damaged? She has teenage girls at home.

Do I need to be there for her now and the kids or to be there when it all goes wrong (assuming it does and I'm fairly sure it will)

I think you're in a difficult position. Maybe broach the subject of her relationship and how it's going and see what she says? I don't think you can comment on anything you haven't actually heard or seen for yourself. What's he like at the parties? Has he ever said anything you found upsetting or distateful? You could point that out to her, and tell her that you are concerned for her and really want to keep seeing her as a friend but you don't feel you can be friends with him if he really is horrible to have around. Having said that, abusive men often use the tactic of separating their partners from their friends and family by ensuring meet ups get less and less, so you need to be aware of that too.

Do you know her daughters - do you ever get the chance to speak to them at all, ask how they are feeling and tell them you are there for them if they need to talk or they ever feel worried by him, or that they are welcome to come to your house if they want to get away and talk? I think to be honest - they would be my main concern in the situation you describe. Your friend is an adult, and ultimately has to make her own decisions. All you can do is support her and be there for her.

I doubt whether anything you say would make a difference. Her daughter has left home because of him and told her she won't be back unless he's gone. I would instantly assume inappropriate behaviour of some kind and (if the relationship with the daughter was otherwise normal) I'd kick him out and reinstate her.

Your friend is putting her children's welfare below her own relationship with her boyfriend.

I wouldn't be able to speak to her without getting angry, I think.

Thank you for your replies.

I have disagreed with him before now, on issues of race and gender. I don't want my kids hearing his views.

Interesting what you say about friends being pushed away. It's been noticeable that her close friends are dwindling :(

I will try and talk to her eldest

I think you should speak to her but you are going to need to arm yourself with concrete examples and a very supportive, warm tone.