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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling Vulnerable

26 replies

Scrounginscum · 13/08/2012 08:27

We spent a few days at my IL and I have been very lazy and lathargic since we got back. Although I'm in the wrong I feel DH has massively over reacted. He's been saying I never pull my weight which I feel is unfair because I usually do everything. He's also complaining I don't respect his opinion. This seems to be because of the argument we had about my driving but he was in the wrong AFAIC.

Thursday lunchtime he said he would get up with DS on Friday so that I could get an extra hour before the drive home. His friend called and invited him out. I said go and enjoy yourself but remember you're getting up early tomorrow. He went out at 7 saying he'd be a couple of hours. At 10 he called saying he'd be an hour. Just after 11 I sent him a text saying I was off to bed. He got back at 4am. He did get up with DS then went back to bed. I had to wake him so we could leave.

He slept a lot of the way home. When he wasn't he was getting irate about my driving wanting me to drive closer to the car in front is less than a car length so no one can get in 'and push us back'. This was when the traffic was moving, I wouldn't do it and told him why.

Bad traffic turned our 5.5hr journey into a 10hr one. I couldn't

OP posts:

Original poster

Scrounginscum · 13/08/2012 08:35

Sorry pressed send too soon.

I couldn't face unpacking so I just unpacked the baby equipment, sorted food for everyone then got to bed as soon as DC settled.

I got up 5 times through the night with DS then up in the morning to let DH sleep. Unpacked and got the washing on. When DS had his morning nap I had a nap too. Sorted lunch then went to work. When I got back from work I went on FB for a bit instead of doing housework.

Yesterday I got up with DS, folded and put away baby clothes, vacuumed but ignored ironing and everything else. Had to wake DH from his nap as it was time to leave for work.

I've only fed and changed DS this morning so far no housework .

The way DH is reacting to my lazynesd scares me, it reminds me of my ex :(

OP posts:

Offred · 13/08/2012 08:40

Right so he is sleeping and getting drunk, you are driving and unpacking and cooking and because you haven't done everything you think you are being lazy?!

Inertia · 13/08/2012 08:41

Woah, hang on - your DH has gone out on the piss and slept. You have driven for hours, got up through the night with your child, fed everyone, done laundry, vacuumeded - how does this make you lazy ?

And he is being a twat over the driving, of course you leave a safe stopping distance . Heavy traffic isn't your fault.

FannyFifer · 13/08/2012 08:44

Your husband has either been drunk or asleep so I don't understand how you think you are lazy.

Hesterton · 13/08/2012 08:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Scrounginscum · 13/08/2012 08:47

I haven't got everything done, left the unpacking til the next day, had a nap and been on FB even though stuff not done.

OP posts:

MrsHelsBels74 · 13/08/2012 08:47

I don't understand how you are in the wrong either? I have days when I'm so busy with my son I don't get any housework done (am also 7 months pregnant) but my husband would never dream of calling me lazy. He'd certainly only do it once.

tribpot · 13/08/2012 08:51

I haven't got everything done, left the unpacking til the next day, had a nap and been on FB even though stuff not done.

So what? You're not a servant. You decide when these tasks get done.

You must be knackered. And you're not in the wrong.

FannyFifer · 13/08/2012 08:53

But what has he got done? Does he not work?

Original poster

Scrounginscum · 13/08/2012 08:54

I am knackered, I look like a zombie. People were commenting at work.

OP posts:

tribpot · 13/08/2012 08:57

Right, so your priority is resting, and recovering from what sounds like a horrible journey - a 10h car journey with a baby must have been a nightmare.

Once you're feeling better hopefully you will realise your DH's behaviour is unacceptable. But for now focus on not being made to feel guilty for not having done the ironing.

ScrambledSmegs · 13/08/2012 08:59

Why wasn't your H sharing the driving? And why is it your responsibility to do all the house stuff when you work?

He doesn't sound particularly nice, from what you've said

Original poster

Scrounginscum · 13/08/2012 09:00

Dh can't drive.

He used to work away from home so I always did everything.

OP posts:

Offred · 13/08/2012 09:06

So what has he actually done then? Why are you behaving like his personal servant and letting him speak to you like crap and urge you to drive dangerously with dc in the car and when he doesn't even drive?

ScrambledSmegs · 13/08/2012 09:10

Ah - before my DH learnt to drive he didn't appreciate how tiring driving was either. He said he did, but it was only when he learnt to drive himself that he got it.

Sorry, not much help I know.

ScrambledSmegs · 13/08/2012 09:11

Oh, and tell him that since he can't drive his opinions on your driving are of no value whatsoever.

He does sound like more stress and trouble than he's worth really.

Original poster

Scrounginscum · 13/08/2012 09:13

I have a phobia of SS so can't risk house not being done or I get panicky.

As for the driving he is convinced it's not dangerous. I don't understand why but he is obsessed with people getting in front. He refers to it as being 'pushed back'. I've tried to explain about driving too close at best leading to more braking and therefore slower traffic but he doesn't believe me.

He emptied the washing machine while I was at work and had the DC obviously. Ds is going through the separation anxiety phase which is driving him mad.

OP posts:

Offred · 13/08/2012 09:20

Why do you say that? Why are you afraid of SS?

Original poster

Scrounginscum · 13/08/2012 09:22

My ex always threatened me with them so I developed a phobia eventually. I feel panicky if things are not right in case I get reported.

OP posts:

MrsHelsBels74 · 13/08/2012 09:28

When my son was born our house was an absolute tip (long story). The HV expressed concern but never once was SS mentioned.

Despite all the flak SS get, they won't take your kids because you haven't ironed, if that was the case I dread to think where my son would be now. Not trying to be flippant but I think you need to express your fears to your husband & get him to pull his weight (easier said than done I know).

Offred · 13/08/2012 09:28

But who would report you and why would not doing the ironing after a ten hour drive and work be something they would be concerned about? It is an irrational phobia.

I think you may have walked away from one dickhead and into the arms of another. Just because he may not be actively abusive yet doesn't mean you should put up with his shit and be grateful. I think it is a bad sign if you are still affected by your previous abuse.

tribpot · 13/08/2012 09:31

Okay, I think you know on some level that's irrational (hence the term phobia that you use) which goes some way to explaining why you feel in the wrong despite in reality you having done nothing wrong.

Assuming your DH knows about your phobia, it makes it extremely cruel of him to have played on it in an effort to hurt you by calling you lazy.

He then feels aggrieved that you wouldn't drive in an unsafe manner just because he thought you should. As he can't drive he probably needs to learn, if for no other reason than to understand stopping distances. Unless he thinks there was a safety issue in the way you were driving (which there wasn't) he can shut it.

What would you like to happen now, OP? Do you want him to apologise?

threeleftfeet · 13/08/2012 09:33

Social Services really won't care if your house is less than pristine!

They would be more concerned if one of your DCs rooms was pristine and the other's wasn't. Or if your room was lovely but your DC's were uncared for in comparison. That would raise flags for them.

If the whole house if full of clutter and love, they won't mind about the mess at all!

toptramp · 13/08/2012 09:43

i havnt ironed a thing since dd was born ; does this mean ss should be involved? no. you dp sounds like an arse.

dequoisagitil · 13/08/2012 10:59

You don't sound the least bit lazy.

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